Big City Dad

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice...

2010-07-27T08:42:00.005-04:00

Ever since she turned 3, my little M has been obsessed with the differences between boys and girls. A lot of it probably has to do with the fact that until she was able to safely self entertain, both her mother and I made her sit in the bathroom with us while we showered. It seemed like the best way to keep an eye on her and to not have to skip showers while she was awake. You busy single parents of toddlers know what I mean.

When she learned the name of Daddy's "boy parts" she thought that was the funniest word she ever heard: "You have a PENIS???!!! That's silly!"
A couple months ago, we were coming down the elevator on a busy Saturday morning. Our building at the time was huge. It has 865 apartments filled with one of two types of residents: families with young kids like us, or retirees who have been living in the building for YEARS who haven't left because of rent control. As we got on the elevator, M looked in the mirror at her hair. Daddy had made his best attempt at a pony tail (I've actually gotten quite good at it). She gave herself the once over and the conversation ensued:

"Look Daddy! I have girl hair!"

"Yes you do baby. You have beautiful long hair" I replied.

"Mommy has girl hair too! Daddy? You have girl hair?"

"No baby, Daddy has short boy hair"

"Oh" she said with thoughtful face. Just then, the elevator doors opened to the lobby. It was early and for some reason there was a large group of little old ladies milling around our cavernous lobby that coincidentally has a HUGE echo. M's face lit up and she asked loudly with a wry smile,

"Daddy, you have a PENIS?" ALL heads turned in our direction!

"That's right baby. Boys have a penis" I replied quietly. We exited the elevator and she continued...

"Daddy, do I have a PENIS???"

"No baby, you have girly parts"

"Oh" she replied with a thoughtful face, almost disappointed. I could see the wheels turning in her pretty little head. I could also see that every grandma in the place was staring either in disbelief! Our favorite doorman Norman, however, was laughing so hard he was about to pee his pants. After a few seconds M's little face lit up...here it comes...

"Daddy?!"

"Yes my love?" as we walked past the little old ladies...

"I want a PENIS! I want a PENIS" she shrieked with delight while jumping up and down holding my hand, "We go to the PENIS STORE and buy one?"

Terror on faces everywhere as Norman doubles over. So for the grandma's I answered, "You know what baby, if you can find a penis store we'll go buy one."

"Ok! Ok!" she squealed.

And with that we went to the playground...leaving behind a lobby full of horrified old ladies and one very amused doorman :)

Now I just need to put together a plan for our new family business! Anyone know a good penis wholesaler?

A Change of Focus

2010-07-26T11:38:00.002-04:00

So I've been sporadic as best in my postings for the last few months. Truth be told, I've gotten a bit bored with the whole thing. Not bored with the rest of your lives...I still love reading what's going on with each of you and seeing how your single parenting days are working out. It's just that (hopefully) I seem to be through the "crisis part" of the separation and divorce. Ex and I don't have much contact except for arranging drop off's and pick up's. Honestly, most of that is by design from me: I've realized that the less contact with her, the happier I am. Things still come up occasionally of course, but after having our Child Therapist establish some ground rules for us, we've managed to stay mostly within those lines and when we don't a quick "remember what CT said about..." email seems to do the trick. I'm SO grateful for that.

My major sadness that remains is that Ex still doesn't seem to spend a ton of time with M and M does express this to me. When drop off time comes, M will say things like "Mommy not home, Mommy's at work" or "We're not going to see Mommy, we're going to see (insert Nanny's name here)." This makes me sad but I guess I've realized that there's not much I can do about it. The nanny or babysitter Ex uses is great with M and while I'd MUCH rather have that time with her, arranging switch times around Ex's ever changing schedule is more trouble than it's worth. I have a backlog of nights where I've stepped in to have M and to date, Ex hasn't offered any reasonable nights to make them up; only nights which would make me not see M for longer stretches which I'm not willing to do. So, I continue to play Mr. Mom which I LOVE and M and my relationship just keeps getting better.

So, when I started this blog I did so with the purpose of putting my problems out there and seeing what all of you who have more experience at this than me can do to help. I am SO grateful to all of you who offered support, advice, or just a kind word when I was in the middle of of the muck. Granted, Ex is Ex, so I expect more issues occasionally, but my "toolbox" is more complete now and I've learned mostly how to deal with her. Again, that is with the help of the online single parent community. You guys are AWESOME!!! Kind of like my sobriety program, I think I'm now in a position to help more than "take more" since I've been doing this for a while. I have always found that the most rewarding relationships I get are ones where I'm "on the give more than on the take."

So, in an effort to not let BDC's blog die, the Change of Focus will be this...the subject to whom I am writing is going to be different. As M keeps growing, discovering, and changing, there are SO MANY things that I want her to remember or that I want to remember because they're cute, funny, huge milestones, etc. Why not make BCD's blog FROM Daddy TO my Little M telling her all the great moments and memories that might be forgotten otherwise? When she's older, I can compile them onto a book with pictures so that she can always look back on her childhood from Daddy's eyes.

I'm really excited about this. Nothing I wouldn't do for my little girl...

Apparently Size Matters...

2010-07-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

And Disney doesn't know. This is a family resort people...get your minds out of the gutter!!!

M and I did all the Princess lunches and breakfasts we could in order to meet as many characters as possible. She also wanted to meet the Pooh characters and the fairies and was most excited to meet Tinkerbell and Cinderella. At the Norway restaurant at Epcot we met Belle, Sleeping Beauty (aka Aurora), Snow White, and Jasmine! Talk about a score. The big event was dinner with Cinderella and Prince Charming however. They danced for us, took pictures with M, and were very sweet to her. M's favorite out of that group however...Anastasia, one of the evil step-sisters!!! I have no idea why but that's all M could focus on. Granted the actress who played her did a very good job. She took a lot of time with each of the kids and really played up the dumb step-sister thing (apparently Anastasia is the dumb one and Druzilla is the mean one). M loved her red hair too.

When we found out we could meet Tinkerbell, though, M was SO excited. I bought her a Baby Tinkerbell the first day (those Disney guys are genius, a baby doll dressed like TB with a baby blanket). M carried her new baby everywhere. So when we got to Pixie Hollow, M was so excited that she jumped up and down for the entire 30 minute wait. When we got to the door the hostess told us that as soon as we go inside, the fairies will sprinkle fairy dust on us so that we'll shrink down to the size of Tinkerbell so as not to scare her and that as we leave, they'll sprinkle us again so that we grow to normal size. I was very careful to explain this to M several times because of an incident we had with Pooh Bear that I'll explain next...

So, when it came to our turn, we were the first two in line. The hostess opened the velvet rope and M TOOK OFF RUNNING. I mean, fast! Ran after her and got there right as she turned the corner only to see...A LIFE SIZED TINKERBELL, FAWN, and TERRANCE!!! It was like watching a running cat try to change directions on a tile floor...her little legs hit reverse and she practically ran backwards out of the room crying and terrified!!! Poor baby obviously didn't get the fairy dust bit. I caught her and brought her over to TB and her friends, all M would do what cling to me for dear life with her little arms and legs and bury her head in my chest. The pictures are HILARIOUS. Smiling Daddy and Tinkerbell with a look of sheer terror of M's face and she hides in Daddy's armpit. Nice try Disney, but the little kids may not get the fairy dust shrinking bit...

Prior to that we went to a breakfast where Pooh Bear, Tigger, and some of the other characters were. M LOVES Pooh Bear as do I. Reminds me of the nice parts of my childhood. We were sitting at table where the characters were coming up behind us, so M didn't notice when Pooh Bear walked up. And Daddy didn't tell her because he didn't want to ruin the surprise. Here's what I wasn't thinking about...in the books and movies, Pooh Bear is Christopher Robin's pet, right? And only comes up to CR's waist. Given that CR is a little boy, M must have expected PB to be about 2 feet tall. She was SO excited to hug a little bear!!! What walked up, however, was a 6 foot tall bear with a GIANT head. The horror in M's face said it all!!! She jumped across the table into my lap and REFUSED to look at Pooh. We couldn't even get a picture!!!

Moral for Disney on this one: job opportunities for "little people" are limited enough as it is. Think about how many could be employed by making them Disney characters such as Pooh Bear! We could put a serious dent in unemployment. Should someone contact Obama???

Single Single Dads...This is a Must Read!!!

2010-07-12T11:22:00.003-04:00

So, M and I are back from Disney. We had SO much fun!!! Each of the last two mornings after she woke up she climbed into my lap and said "Daddy, let's go to Disney today!!!" Guess she liked it. :)

I have a ton of fun stories about M from there which I'll share with everyone throughout the week. Sticking with our single parent focus though, and particularly my single daddy brethren, I thought that today I'd give you one huge observation that I have from our trip:

DISNEY IS THE BEST PLACE IS THE WORLD FOR SINGLE DADDIES TO MEET BEAUTIFUL SINGLE MOMMIES!!!

That's right. Unbelievable!

Now, personally I'm committed to RN at the moment and hope that doesn't change. She gets sweeter by the day and I REALLY like her. We're even Facebook official now! New ground for me...There was therefore no hanky panky for me while M and I where there. I did, however, either strike up or just have random conversations with so many pretty single mommies. Never expected that!

Now, M and I stayed at the most economical Disney (the All Star Resort). Nothing fancy at all. Just basic rooms like a Holiday Inn, but two nice pools, a playground, a food court, and frequent bus transport to and from any of the Disney Parks. And TONS of other kids for M to play with. I figured why spend money on an expensive hotel when we weren't going to be there anyway. That said, I'm assuming most single parents would be on a limited budget so therefore single mommies galore! What was really nice to see was that a lot of them were with their parents. We did eat at a couple of the other "nicer" resorts for Princess Breakfast or Princess Lunch, but honestly, I saw very few singles there and the hotels looked less kid friendly. Great for couples without kids but otherwise who needs it, right?

Fellas, I'm just sayin', if you want to give your kids a GREAT vacation and have the chance to hang out with a bunch of other single parents this is a must do!

Happy July 4th!!!

2010-07-02T09:30:00.004-04:00

So, no major new news today so I thought I'd just drop a few lines to let everyone know what's going on.

Most important, M is doing great. Honestly, that kid has a great life whether child of divorce or not. After a week at the beach in SC with my family, she's headed to the beach on Eastern Long Island with her mother today for the long weekend. I won't see her until next Wednesday morning :( but she's going to have fun so I'm happy for her. As soon as she gets to my place Wed, we're hopping on a plane to Disney World for 4 days! She's SO excited to meet Cinderella and all the princesses. We're staying in a hotel on Disney so we don't have to drive and can just catch the shuttles everywhere. Very exciting! She has two more beach vacations coming up this summer as well as a trip to see my family. We're also planning on a trip to Sesame Place (the Sesame Street theme park in PA) later in the summer. It's good to be my M!

M and I are moving in a couple weeks. Only two blocks away so no huge change. Same neighborhood, playground, friends, etc. The big change is that little one gets her own large bedroom and bathroom!!! She's very excited. Her current room is the converted dining room in our one bedroom apt. Decent size for a baby but not big enough for a "big girl." She helped Daddy pick out the design of the room...pink walls, white furniture, yellow floral comforter, fairy princess bathroom, etc. I'm going to be painting and moving a few things this weekend while she's with her mother.

RN and I are doing GREAT! I'm really excited about her. Luckily, after returning a text from CP earlier in the week, I haven't heard back, so it looks like that one is dead. Not that my mind wasn't already made up but I hate to have to make those kinds of choices since I generally don't trust my own judgement. Anyhow, RN and I talk at least once a day and text throughout the day. We're getting together tonight and then again Sunday evening and Monday all day. She works this weekend which is good. Gives me time to do apt stuff. Getting the stomach butterflies with this one...she's super expressive, a total cutie pie, and always seems positive and in a good mood. Monday we're going to the beach for the day. Agreeing with everyone who's left comments, this one may be a keeper :)

Ex has been especially agreeable lately. Maybe she's sick :) Seriously, no issues on a couple months and even some financial relief. Hopefully we're past the ugly part of the divorce and can just get on with co-parenting and our separate lives.

Work is...work. Work to live not live to work I say.

That's all I've got peoples. Enjoy the 4th and if you're watching the fireworks in NYC, look for me and RN in the crowd. We'll be watching.

I'm Tired But It's OK

2010-06-29T13:57:00.003-04:00

So, back from a week's vacation in SC with my family. Those of you with whom I'm friends on Facebook have probably seen some of the pictures. I love that week with my family since I don't get to be a part of their daily lives and miss them a lot. M loves it too because she gets to spend time with her Family. Funny, even at 3 1/2, the concept of family isn't lost on her. She loves that she has grandparents, an aunt and uncle, and cousins. She was totally at ease with everyone and really seemed to enjoy herself.

Now back to life as usual, but not quite...my dates with CP (CVS girl) and RN (the woman from the arcade at the beach) happened the week before last. CP is very funny and cute and I had a good time with her. Some cultural difference might make it tough though. She's from Taiwan and while she's been in the States for many years, her family is over there and a lot of the pop culture references I talked about she didn't get. She's a bit older than I thought (31), which is a good thing. Funny thing though, is that I'm actually closer to her mother's age (50) than her age. Doh! We got a good laugh out of that. She's in Turkey for a friend's wedding so I won't be able to see her for a bit...however...

RN and I went out two nights later and had such a great time, we went out again the next night! We spoke and texted continuously during the week I was at the beach and got together again last night and stayed out until 1 AM. For those of you who don't know me, I'm in bed by 10 regardless of who I'm with so this is huge for me. And again, we had such a good time that we're going to see each other again tonight. She's so sweet, very affectionate, has a beautiful smile and giant blue eyes. Total melters for me. And as I said before, she doesn't seem "complicated" by all the money, status, or other distractions of the city. She never even asked me what I did for a living until the 4th or 5th time we talked. That's usually one of the first questions you get in NYC. I mean this in the best way possible, but so far she seems like a very simple family girl. I LOVE that. She's a "good girl" as well in that no rushing into the physical. While one part of me (down below) would LOVE to do that, it never seems to work out. I'm happy she has the smarts (or self control) to take that part slow since I DON'T :)

So it looks like I'll be tired again tomorrow. Oh well. Looks like serious potential with this one. For that, I'll gladly miss out on a few hours of sleep.

'Nuf Said...

2010-06-23T17:19:00.002-04:00

I'm On a Roll

2010-06-14T09:22:00.005-04:00

My luck with the ladies away from the Internet dating thing is looking up! Now, I've had enough of these positive times (WAY in the past) to know that nothing, good or bad, lasts forever. Still, ride the way while you're up, right?

CP (the CVS girl) and I have yet to get together. We keep trying but with her work schedule and my schedule with Miss M, it's tough. Still, we're working on it and hopefully will happen later this week.

Last Wed, Thurs, and Friday I took off from work so that M and I could go to the beach with a buddy and his son Gabriel. Gabriel is Miss M's "boyfriend" (she's started early). They live in our building and most weeknights when M is there we get the kids together for a post dinner play date. Have to admit, that's another advantage of the big city...play dates without even leaving the house. G's parents are still together and have a 1 year old daughter as well who's cute as a button.

Anyhow, Brian, G, M, and I went to the beach house they have for a couple days just to goof off and let the kids have some time together. As we drove down on Wednesday though, it was pouring rain, so we were a bit perplexed as to what to do. Just going to the house could be ok, but we figured since it was mid week, maybe a trip to the arcade might be fun. Simple stuff like ski ball, the claw grabber things (to pick up the stuffed animals), and other easy games. I have a strange talent for the claw grabber things...not sure why but I ALWAYS win at least a couple of times (this time...6 stuffed animals in less than an hour). So M was really excited and shrieking with joy at her new toys.

The place was pretty empty except for one group of people who seemed to be grandparents, a dad and mom with son, and what appeared to be a very attractive single mom and her daughter. The SM was playing one of the claw grabby games with her little girl when M ran up the machine next to them. I walked up next to them and looked...BEAUTIFUL. Not just pretty but totally stunning, and NO ring. Sweet!

I started playing the game as they watched and of course M started talking to the little girl. Love that about 3 year olds. Don't even remember what I said but we exchanged a couple words and as it turns out, SM is painfully shy! It was cute though. Anyhow, I tried a couple times for a Big Bird animal that I couldn't quite get and during which time SM and the girl went to play another game. Her parents were next to us watching the whole time though, and chatted with M a bit. M and I then went to another machine and proceeded to win a purple stuffed bear when SM came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "here, my dad won this and we thought your daughter would like to have it." It was the Big Bird! I thanked her profusely and again tried to strike up conversation but she seemed very nervous and scooted away with her little girl.

A couple minutes later I saw her Dad so I thanked him and he smirked and said "Dude, I was trying for you." He was TOTALLY trying to set me up with his daughter!!! How funny is that? At this point I figured screw it, I need to talk to her so we just played games in her proximity until I got the chance to corner her. Once she got talking she was very sweet. Turns out she lives just outside Manhattan (only about 20 minutes away). We exchanged numbers and have talked 3 times since and our first date is planned for this Thursday.

No idea where this one is going of course but this woman seems to be totally my type...sweet, not cocky, not affected by New York (huge problem in Manhattan), very into her family who live only 20 minutes from her, and is a nurse (practically every woman in my family is a nurse so I have a soft spot for them. She's in her mid thirties, which is a bit more age appropriate than CP, and as it turns the little girl she was with is her niece, so no kids. Neither here nor there I guess.

I would say luck of the Irish except I'm full Italian. Anyhow, I'm liking the non-Internet dating thing and having fun talking to relative strangers. We'll keep you posted on this one as well.

You Can Get More Than Prescriptions at CVS

2010-06-08T07:30:00.002-04:00

So, part two of week one of BCD's dating exploits. After my date with Russian Girl, I decided to walk home (about 30 blocks). It was about midnight and I was still pretty awake. As I walked by a CVS, I remembered I needed to pick up a few things. Here's the benefit of living in the city that never sleeps...CVS is 24/7.

As I'm wandering around the store picking up various things, I turn the corner and see a beautiful pair of legs attached to a very pretty brunette (see, I like non blonds ;). She turned to look at something so I got a clear view of what is a very pretty face, although a bit on the young side for an old guy like me...probably mid to late 20's. The opportunity just didn't seem right for me to say anything then because we hadn't even made eye contact. What am I going to say..."hey baby, like that conditioner?" I was feeling pretty bold though, so while I picked up my items I kept an eye on where she was in the store.

Eventually I was done and noticed she was just making her way to the check out. I had two options...1) the empty check out next to hers or 2) I could plant myself in line right behind her. I chose option two. Now, why she was in CVS buying a bunch of Vitamin Water and Gatorade at midnight on a Friday I have NO idea, but it certainly struck me as funny. As the check out girl was doing her job, she needed some help grabbing Cutie Pie's things (that's what we're going to call her for now, or CP for short). I ever so GRACIOUSLY reached out and pushed them toward check out girl. CP shyly looked at me and said thanks. Feeling smarmy, I simply smiled and replied " You're welcome. You must be thirsty." THAT'S IT. She giggled and we exchanged a couple sentences about nothing I remember, and then...SHE LEFT.

Grrr...I waited for check out girl to finish, (to her credit she was quick. She TOTALLY knew what was going on) and I thought "F this, I want to talk to her." So I ran out of the store and chased CP down, who was by now a block away, going in completely the OPPOSITE direction that I needed to be going. When I caught up to her, I simply said "Excuse me, you seemed really nice back there and I have to confess, I planted myself behind you in line because I saw you in the store and think you're very pretty. Have a minute to talk to a complete stranger on the street?" She blushed and was very cute about it.

We talked for a couple blocks and as we got toward where she was going, I asked for her number to see if we could meet for a drink later. She then said something that I thought was very cool, "Well," she said with a smirk on her face, "I have one block before I'm at my building. Convince me before I hit my door that I should go out with you"

NICE!!! It may sound cocky but to me, that meant I was practically in and just needed to not fumble. I don't recall what I said but the crux of it was...I'm not from NYC, I'm a well mannered Southern Boy. No big ego, good manners, and I'll always open doors and pull out your chair for you. She LOVED it.

I've since called and we've exchanged some very cute texts. Problem is I have a busy week so I can't meet her until next week. Regardless though, I'm just proud of making the effort and having the courage for the cold walk up. Haven't done that in YEARS.

I'll let you know how it goes.

And the Internet Dating Begins...

2010-06-07T09:51:00.008-04:00

Not my favorite way to get back on the market for sure, but I figured this will at least get me out there and give me a chance to practice some of the small talk. If you remember, I went right from Ex wife to Hot Girl, who I knew from a previous job. I haven't had a "cold" date in something like 9 years! Scary when I think about it.

So, I signed up for a couple of free sites, put up the minimum profile, and started fishing. There are always thousands of pretty, accomplished, seemingly nice women on these sites. Problem is, there are always WAY more men than women so the hit ratio for guys is pretty low. After a week or so I was talking to a few different women (after a ton of unanswered emails) and lined up a couple dates for this weekend.

Let me say first, that I don't live in fantasy land. I'm 42 with a 3 1/2 year old daughter. I fully realize that the 26 year old lingerie models aren't going to be beating down my door, or even worth my time writing. Of course, like any bonehead guy, I'll lob an occasional email to one of those but it never works out. So, given that ideally I want more kids of my own, I figured early to mid 30's (with or without kids already) is probably my best bet. I also prefer divorced vs never married. Sure I could be totally wrong but at least I know then that she has tried it once.

Now, usually a 2 date weekend isn't in the cards for me. I have a good group of buddies, some single some not, that I hang with on Fridays. Something easy like grabbing a bite, catching a movie or sporting event, or just hanging out. Problem this weekend was that ALL of them were out of town. So I lined up a date Friday night and another for brunch on Saturday.

Friday night was Russian Girl. She's 38, divorced, and a nurse. All good things right. No kids though. She was nice enough on the phone, was attractive, and seemed eager to meet. Of course, when she showed up she was probably 30 lbs heavier than her picture. Not that I'm against a little meat on the bones...I prefer that to a stick skinny woman, but why not just be honest? So I was already skeptical. During dinner she proceeded to talk about her bad divorce, bad last relationship, and her friend who is divorced with three kids who never dates because the kids rule her life. That woman sounds like more my type. She then proceeded to ask me where I was taking her on vacation...HUH? I didn't talk much except about Miss M, and once RG realized that I wasn't one of those Wednesday and every other weekend Dad's who has a ton of time to date, she said a very insightful thing: " You're going to have a hard time finding a woman who's willing to play second to your daughter and to work around your schedule. You should date single mom's since they'll understand better and be more flexible." Couldn't agree more. So, overall the date kind of sucked but at least she was up front about what she did and didn't want (picture thing aside) and we parted ways nicely, agreeing we'd never see each other again.

Date #2: Beautiful Latina woman from Westchester...32, never married, no kids. Had a bad feeling on this one right out of the gate but figured it's just brunch so no big deal. I had a lot to do that morning so I was running a couple minutes late. Probably should have called but figured I was only a few blocks away, people in Manhattan are ALWAYS late, and it was only 3 minutes, literally. I'm a block away and for some reason checked my phone and saw 3 missed calls from BL. Not checking them I called her right away. She picked up and angrily said "Are you standing me up?" HUH? I replied calmly no, that I was a running a bit late, apologized, said it was only 1:04 now, we were supposed to meet at 1:00, and I was 30 seconds away. "Well, I left." she says in a huff. Too weird. Figured she was only a block or two away so I told her to come on back and we'll start over. Ok she says.

I then waited 25 minutes and she never showed, so I went home. Thirty minutes later she calls me again. I didn't pick up and checked the message afterward. She actually went back to the restaurant after I left, got angry that I stood her up a second time, and left me a scathing message to never call her again!!! Don't think that will be a problem.

Geez, this is what I have to look forward to? There's gotta be a better way.

Weekend success was, however, that I randomly met a very cute woman (in CVS no less) after my date Friday night. TOTAL cold pick up which I NEVER do. For that story though, you'll have to log in tomorrow... :)

Hi Everyone

2010-06-03T09:55:00.003-04:00

Wow has it been a long time. Sorry for the no show, but I was feeling really unmotivated to write and stretched a bit thin by work, M, the relationship with HG, and searching for a new apartment. Guess I just needed a mental break from it all. Kind of going into the Man Cave to shut down and regroup.

So, I figured it best to give you some bullet points on where things are with M and me so that everyone is up to date.

M (the most important subject) - She's doing fantastic. Her vocabulary is expanding by the day and her curiosity about the differences between men and women continues to grow. The other day she decided she wanted a penis. So in the middle of our crowded lobby she asked "Daddy, can we go the penis store and buy one? I want a penis." The old ladies in the lobby didn't seem amused. TOO BAD. We have tons of summer plans including the beach with friends, beach with family, Disney World in July, and some trips to the mountains. Should be a fun summer but I'm sure it's going to fly by.

M's Mother - We may have finally hit the amiable state. While finances will always be somewhat of an issue, she's actually been a bit forgiving there lately and we haven't had a serious fight in weeks. We've been able to pull of a couple switches in nights without a problem and haven't taken any pot shots at each other. While I'm going to have a hard time every really trusting her, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this to continue. It can only be good for M.

Hot Girl and I Are No Longer - BCD is back on the market. HG and I were communicating a lot better and getting along but ultimately the problems I talked about earlier were just too great to overcome. While in theory she was OK living the life of a "normal" person, ultimately she wasn't comfortable with anything but a high end lifestyle, which is not how I want to be or to raise M. To me, having money is a good thing (of course) but choosing to buy or do expensive things just because they are "exclusive" or expensive just doesn't fit my value system. The split was amicable though. Now the trick is to find a woman in NYC whose value system fits this. Seems easy right? You have no idea how hard that is here. NYC really F's people up. Wish me luck. Going to try the online thing to start but ultimately I think through friends is the way to go.

New Apartment - I struggled with this one because I don't want to stretch myself financially, but given some of the concessions M's mother has made, my alimony payments are done (WAHOO!!!), and that M is outgrowing her tiny little room (only 8 x 8), I wanted to find a place bigger where she can have her own space. After and exhaustive search and several "just missed" opportunities, we settled on a place just two blocks away. You have no idea how competitive the rental market in NYC is. You have to practically show up with your entire financial picture and check in hand and take a place as soon as you see it if you like it because if you don't, the next person will. We're spending a little more than I want but to keep M in the same neighborhood, to give her a nice big room, and honestly being too tired to keep looking, I'm cool with what we found. Moving sometime in July.

So kiddies, those are the highlights. I'll try to be more regular both with checking up on everyone else as well as my own posting. As This Daddy said after my last hiatus, I have a duty to keep everyone informed. Enjoy the day everyone!

Funny Little Girl-isms

2010-04-20T15:35:00.009-04:00

M LOVES stuffed animals, kitties and doggies especially. Practically every week she gets a new one from her mother or me. Not that we're trying to spoil her or anything. It just that she loves them and honestly, they aren't that expensive. For $10 a week, M having a new friend is fine with me.

Her current favorite at Daddy's House is a orange striped tabby similar to the one in the picture named Tigger. The real Tigger is actually my mother's cat. Orange body, white tummy, face and paws, and HUGE. Not just big, HUGE. Tigger weighs upwards of 30 lbs and is the most docile, sweet cat I've ever been around. He spends most of his days on my parents' bed sleeping (great life, right?) and is M's absolute favorite animal in the whole world. When we visit my parents, M plays with Tigger the entire time: that is, she lies on him, puts hats on him, feeds him with her hand, and follows him everywhere. The little guy is a great sport about it.

Her stuffed Tigger looks almost the same. He's SO fat that his head is 10 sizes too small for his body. M likes to pretend that he's the real Tigger. Even better, when we Skype my parents on a weekly basis, she makes them bring the real Tigger to the camera so she can talk to him and shows him her play Tigger. Adorable.

Last week, M's Mommy bought her a stuffed doggie. Pretty non descript doggie really but cute. We've gotten to the point where the animals travel back and forth between houses and as we collect more, the bag to carry them gets bigger and bigger. And there's no end in sight :)

So I asked M what her new doggies name was and she answered...

"Loophole!!!"

WTF?

No idea where that came from. Somehow appropriate though given it was a gift from her mother.

This weekend's new addition was a sea lion from the Bronx Zoo (a DEFINITE must see for those visiting NYC with kids. Phenomenal). The sea lion's name...Four. Again, huh?

Funny thing is that when M goes to bed, we must have 10 different stuffed animals in her bed, and some of them are bigger than her! When I go in to check on her, I sometimes have to dig her out from under the pile. Too funny.

Today's Little Girl Observation

2010-04-06T15:58:00.005-04:00

I have lunch with Miss M every Tuesday without fail. It's a nice time for us to get together since I haven't seen her since either Sunday night or Monday morning, depending on the week. Usually we go to Johnny Rockets, a 50's style burger chain only a couple blocks from her school. We have our regular seat, a big couch with a coffee table right in front of a flat screen TV that plays ESPN all day long. SCORE for Daddy! She loves it because she can run around as much as she wants, she gets fries (her favorite), they give her crayons and paper, and we always have the same nice waitress who takes care of us (Brianna). JR's has become our Tuesday spot.

Catch up conversation is the order of the day since she'll have been at her Mommy's for 24 - 36 hours at that point. She tells me about play dates, any fun games she's played with her Mommy, what stuffed animals are talking to her, or anything else that comes to mind. Today she was particularly excited to tell me about a show her mother took her to Easter Sunday: a live Nickelodeon presentation of Dora the Explorer, Kai-Lan, and Backyardigans. I learned all about what each of them did and where they live ("Boots the monkey lives in a tree! He's a nice boy! " : )

Cutie.

Afterward, I take her back to her mother's which is also close, just a 4 block walk. It gives us time to talk more, pet doggies, point out which trucks are silly (today we saw a truck with pictures of ice cream, popsicles, and lollipops on the side!) and just to chat more.

Today's conversation was particularly fun:

"Daddy! Look! It's a booooger!" she shrieks proudly showing me her index finger. Keep in mind I'm carrying her at the point. NICE

"That very good baby. Flick your finger so it goes on the sidewalk"

"Ok Daddy!" trying very hard but not successfully. "It's stuck" squenchy face.

"Try again baby"

"I put it here" she says...and wipes it...on the shoulder of my shirt. EWWWW.

"Uh, baby, I'd rather you didn't put it there. Can you take it off please and put throw it on the ground? We don't put our boogers on people. We get rid of those by blowing our nose into Kleenex"

"It's a present for you!" she says proudly. "You take it back to Daddy's House!"

"And just where would I put it Sweet Pea?"

"You put it in Daddy's chair!"

"Oh, and then what would I do with it?"

"You look at it! Silly Daddy."

Ah, the joys of parenting :)

OMG!!! Talk About Uncomfortable!

2010-03-29T10:14:00.005-04:00

You know, not much makes me uncomfortable when it comes to discussing the human condition. I grew up in a somewhat conservative Catholic home where things like sex just weren't discussed out in the open. My parents did talk to us about it, but it was never in the forefront and was one of those things that was to be discussed "not around other people." That's ok. Given how, where, and when they grew up, I get it and it was totally fine.

As I've gotten older and exposed to more life, my views have gotten more liberal, especially when it comes to sex. Not that I think a person shouldn't respect themselves and others in their sexual behaviors, but just in that sexual discussions and sexual preferences are nothing to be ashamed of. I fully expect to have these discussions with my daughter when she's older and actually look forward to it.

I just didn't expect to have one this weekend...

Miss M is a little over three. She's in the wonderful phase of physical self discovery. She's fully potty trained but still needs a little help wiping, pulling up her pants, etc, so when she goes potty, I usually stand in the doorway in case she needs me. She's very independent, so usually it's "Daddy, you stay there!" while she goes.

Last night as she was doing her last potty before she went to bed, she decided to have a closer look...down there. Totally cool, she does that occasionally, but this time, she REALLY went for it. Pulling both sides of her little self apart, she bent over to have a close look. Even I had a tough time not pulling an uncomfortable face!

After a short inspection of the "magic girl spot" she looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, what's that?"

Running through possibilities of what to call it (thinking the clinical name just wasn't appropriate for right now), I opted for "Well, baby, those are your special girlie parts."

"Special girlie parts?" she said inquisitively, tilting her head to the side while still exposing herself in all her glory.

"You want to touch it Daddy?"

Ok, THAT one I wasn't expecting. Even Daddy is uncomfortable now. Composing myself I say,

"No thank you honey. That's yours. No one else should touch it but you."

"Ok Daddy. I like to play with it." OH MY GOD!

Daddy takes a deep breath and says,

"Ok baby. It's yours to play with. Just make sure when you do, you're by yourself, ok?"

"Ok Daddy."

And just like that, we've had our first sex talk. Is it SUPPOSED to happen this early? Wow...

Mission Accomplished

2010-03-26T15:30:00.007-04:00

So we had the meeting between HG and Ex on Wednesday with the Child Therapist there to mediate. First thing I can say in this whole process that went exactly the way I would have scripted it. Prior to the appointment, I sent an email the CT and outlined what we'd like covered and what would be appropriate and what was off limits:

Appropriate

HG's experience with kids;

Ground rules for communication and/or conflict resolution

How the other is discussed when talking to M

OFF Limits

HG's and my relationship

HG's personal life away from M

I also mentioned that if Ex demonstrated an ability to stay within boundaries over time then maybe we could broaden the relationship, but until then we'd like to keep the discussion M focused to avoid any conflict. CT agreed to mention this as well.

So, CT brought up each topic, Ex pontificated about her greatness as a Mommy and spouted a lot of crap about how she was totally an agreeable, honest person and only wished us the best. HG and I occasionally nodded or gave a SHORT response but mostly we let CT guide the process. Ex talked for most of the time, as expected. Whatever. All I heard was the Charlie Brown teacher voice. Remember that? "Wah, wah-wah, wah, waaaaaah..."

Important in all of this was CT being very adamant that Ex and I are the parents and any conflict, communication, decisions are to stay with us. There should be no contact between HG and Ex unless I am first informed. HG will get a say with me because I trust her, but the two of them shouldn't discuss/fight about any issues. Of course, HG has ZERO desire to have a direct line of communication so that's totally cool with me. Why should both of us suffer needlessly?

The point of this meeting was so Ex would have been given the courtesy to meet the woman who is going to spend significant time with her child...TOTALLY legit. Of course, it accomplished a second point: after we got out, HG called me and asked "How in the world did you stay married to that woman for so long? She never shuts up and only talks about herself. Is it always about her?" BINGO!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Sad thing, besides us having to share a child of course, is that when I met her she wasn't like that. Not sure what caused the complete narcissistic delusional break from reality, but it gets worse and worse as time goes on.

My big fear was a total cat fight. I wouldn't expect HG to participate...she has way too much grace and poise for that, but Ex has no "off switch" and pushes people past places they never thought they'd go. I assured HG that I'd step in (or CT would) if this happened, but she just didn't want to deal. Who can blame her? Don't get me wrong, she's no wilting flower and can run intellectual circles around Ex, but no one can handle the craziness. Fortunately we didn't have to go there.

In all seriousness, I'd recommend a meeting of this sort for any shared custody co-parents who are introducing a significant other to their child. It established firm ground rules for communication, gave Ex the courtesy of meeting someone who appears to be headed toward being a significant figure in her child's life, and set the precedent that that type of behavior should be reciprocated. It's SO hard to take the high road when your Ex is such a douche bag, but you know, it helps to defuse some of the douche baggery before it even starts, which can only benefit Miss M.

All right kids. Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Yes, I'm Alive

2010-03-23T15:02:00.003-04:00

Hey kids. Long time no talk. Between all that I had going on the last few weeks with finding Miss M a school, the Ex's financial hi jinx, re-establishing things with Hot Girl (that's going exceptionally well), and my job, I've been either too tired, too busy, or just too plain lazy to write. So, in honor of "I'm Alive," a picture of Baby Alive. Nothing like a doll that sh*ts all over your house. Who thinks of stuff like that?

Anyhow, here's the latest:

We've enrolled Miss M in school. One of the more expensive ones unfortunately, but for what she needs (strong language focus), the proximity to my apartment (literally, a 300 yard walk), and the fact that Ex agreed to foot half the bill, it was the best decision given the options that were available to us. What tipped it over the edge for me was that Ex also agreed to pay her own nanny care going forward. Saves me a TON of money and given that she offered it, I have to say I'm appreciative.

I'm not sure if Ex offered this because she knows I'm on to her and her finances or just to be nice, but given that it's a big step in the right direction, I figured I'd not look a gift horse in the mouth. Baby steps, right? We sat in front of the child therapist and discussed all the school options, including costs, so this gave me an opportunity to lay out my whole financial picture. I decided not to get into "accusing" Ex of anything and to just focus on my side of the street. Seems she heard me and is giving me breaks here and there. Yup, guess there's a person in there somewhere.

Hot Girl and I have also been getting on extremely well. After my post The Dilemma a few weeks ago, I decided to take a brutally honest path and just tell her EVERYTHING I was thinking. Have to say, she took it like a trooper and what transpired was a couple weeks of very long talks. The result though: we both feel like the other is the best friend and our communication is more open than ever. Honestly, I've never had this in a relationship before. Ex and I were never best friends. Huge step for both HG and me. While we have some differences, we have mostly the same values when it comes to family and kids, we're willing to sacrifice personal things for those values, we laugh a lot, and the sex is still phenomenal. Can't ask for much more than that, right?

So, after more discussions with her, my parents, my friends, and my shrink, I decided it was time...to reintroduce M to Hot Girl this past weekend. We did it at the playground with tons of other kids and parents around just to keep it low key. They got along great (as expected) and after I said, "M, we have to go upstairs and get dinner" she looked at Hot Girl and said "You want come to my house for dinner?" How could we refuse that? The next morning, M woke up, came into my room and said "Daddy, [Hot Girl] go to zoo with us today?" Can't say no again.

So, with that, we've decided it's also time to introduce HG to Ex. One of the things we agreed to in child therapy was that when the relationship got serious enough that the new boyfriend/girlfriend would be spending significant time with M, we'd arrange a meeting. Just to keep it neutral, I requested we do it at the therapist's office, so tomorrow at 1 PM is the big intro! I'm a little nervous as Ex has a propensity for saying inappropriate things at just the right moment and for being confrontational. HG and I have decided that if this occurs, she'll just defer to me and I'll take care of it. Seem the best way to handle things, right?

So, overall things are pretty good. Have a little financial relief which was drastically needed, M has a new school, and HG is in the picture for the foreseeable future. Next up...I need to get to the gym. Daddy is getting a bit pudgy. One thing at a time, right?

Talk soon everyone!

I'm So Angry I Could Puke

2010-03-11T14:38:00.007-05:00

OK kids. Today's post is going to be nothing but venting. Ex has done some F'd up things but this takes the cake. Why I'm surprised I have not idea. Given her track record, I should have seen it coming.

I posted the other day that I was going to have to renegotiate our support agreement due to my decrease in income. I'm down 35% from the year we drew up our agreement, so legally I'm entitled. I've suspected for a long time that Ex was doing significantly better than she was letting on. Today, I found out how much. See, she moved into a new apartment last week. She told me she had found the incredible deal and that it would give M much more room and would be a better environment. Great! I really am glad for the both of them. What got under my skin though, was when I saw the apartment. By Manhattan standards, it's ginormous. Given what Ex tells me she's making and what I'm paying in support, I just couldn't see how she could afford it. Turns out that she can't.

See, in Manhattan, you need to earn about 40x your monthly rent in order to qualify for a rental. Sick, I know. That's why people live in such small places and a lot of the times can't afford to buy. Total scam. So, I was wondering how Ex could pay for this...so I Googled the building. A realtor has the exact same apartment listed in her building for...get this...$5,200 per month! Not per year, per month! At that rate, Ex would have to be earning over $200,000 per year to qualify. She tells me, as recently as yesterday, that she's earning $60,000. NOT POSSIBLE! How the hell does she think she's going to get away with this and how stupid does she think I am? So, not only am I due a decrease due to my income dropping a huge amount, hers apparently has more than tripled without a word from her. I'm going broke and she continues to collect a ridiculous amount of money from me each month. I'm thoroughly disgusted with her.

On top of this, the private school thing continues. Miss M so far has been rejected by two schools (who could reject my baby? grrrrr....), accepted by two, and we're waiting to hear from 3. The two she was accepted to: $14,000 per year and $20,000 per year!!!! I can't afford it, I really can't. The deadline to accept offers is next Tuesday and I hadn't heard from the other 3 so I decided to call. One of the schools, which Ex seems to be really against because it's Catholic, told me that they left two messages for her last week for us to come in for the final phase. Ex conveniently never let me know about this. This school costs $6,000 per year. That I can swing.

In an argument I had with Ex yesterday over money (of course), she failed not only to tell me about her new found financial success but also didn't mention at all that the school had called her. Even worse, she got pissy with me when I told her that I can't afford the $20,000 a year school which is, of course, her first choice. With the short time, the Catholic school can't get us in until next Wednesday...one day AFTER the other schools have to hear and take a none refundable deposit of $5,000. So, do I bet on the Catholic school or do I pay money for a school I know I can't afford? SO shitty on all levels...

My daughter lives with me half the time. Ex and I have equal shared custody. Per our agreement, neither parent is considered the "custodial parent" except in that I pay support. All decisions have to be mutual and consensual. This is a TOTAL breach of all of this. What's worse, Ex apparently doesn't care that I can't afford to care for her daughter as long as she gets to live in her palatial apartment and spend gobs of money.

Trust me, I'll be the first to congratulate Ex if her business takes off and she makes a ton of dough. It's her lifelong dream and can only make my daughter's life more comfortable when she's with her mother. To do it at my expense, regardless of the financial straights it puts me in, however, is irresponsible, dishonest, and disgusting. I really feel like I'm going to throw up.

We have an appointment with the therapist next week to discuss all of this. I'm going to try and remain calm but it's going to be really hard. Wish me luck friends and most of all, wish me calmness and composure. I'm going to need all the help I can get. Thanks.

Coming Up for Air

2010-03-08T14:22:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been absent for almost two weeks. Needless to say there's been a lot going on and I've been too tired to write.

The school search for Miss M continues. Ex and I have been getting along pretty well during this process. A small blow up happened in front of M which made her cry though. Of course, it was about finances and the cost of schools. We haven't resolved it yet, but once M started to cry we both backed off and gave the little one a hug. Sucked. Poor baby has no idea what's going on and our behavior didn't help. Still, she's doing well all things considered.

We've visited 7 schools and like a few. M has to get accepted of course, which isn't an easy feat in NYC. It's very competitive. We tried to pick schools that didn't have that type of selection process or competitive atmosphere (we're talking 4 year old kindergarten after all), but each did want to meet M and have her play with the current kids there for an hour or so. She did great with her outgoing personality and seemed to really have fun. Now we're just waiting to hear back. Keep you fingers crossed.

The second thing going in is finances, which of course is related. When Ex and I put together our financial arrangement, I was making about 40% more than I am now, so the child support and alimony is set up to fit that. Now, with the economy, the demise of my sector of finance, and my company slowly going out of business, I've burned through most of my savings and can't afford to pay that for much longer. I've tried to discuss this with Ex but she's not hearing me. At the same time, her financial situation has gotten a lot better. She picked up a business partner who's putting private equity into her company and it looks like things are taking off. She's since moved into a more expensive apartment, made several big ticket purchases, and done quite a bit of traveling. I, on the other hand, am up to my eyeballs in debt.

So, she's making more money, I'm making way less. Just over 18 months into our agreement, it seems to make sense to readjust things before I go broke. I've discussed this with my therapist who's agreed to try and mediate something so that we don't end up in court. Looks like that's coming to a head next week. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck there because I'm really going to need it. I have not doubt that if we go to court that there will be a reduction in what I pay, but why pay lawyers to get this done? Hopefully she'll be reasonable. One can hope, right?

That's the latest folks. Keep an eye on me. I could use the help.

Today's Beautiful Blogger Awards Go To...

2010-02-24T14:38:00.010-05:00

So, after being gifted with the Beautiful Blogger Award by Scott at This Daddy's Blog, I revealed seven things about myself that you all didn't know. The next step is to bestow this award to some of our cyber friends. Here are a few newer ones I've stumbled on that I really like:

Brittney at Unexpected Surprises - She amazes me as a young 20's single Mommy doing this whole thing by herself. Her ability to stay true to her ideals and trust in God I find incredibly inspiring.

Swati at The Single Mother Chronicles - Incredibly insightful, smart, and always positive, she always gives me something to think about and includes touching stories about her little girl.

That One Mom at Only Parent Chronicles - She is a widowed mother of two who has some really funny and touching things to say. If you haven't read it, her post 100 Random Questions Answered By Me... do, it is really great.

The Divorced Guy at The Diary of a Divorced Guy - Dude, all I can say is I totally relate

That Darn Girl at, well, That Darn Girl - A witty, smart, and definitely sexy nurse who also gives us the occasional boob shot. THANK YOU.

Sarah at That's What She Said! - She's a worker at a juvenile detention center in the Midwest. Proof that not all of us are in it for the buck.

The Girl Next Door at Next Door 2 My Ex - Because, just from the title she deserves an award!!! You've GOT to be kidding!

Lauren at My Life, Incomplete - She's a leader in the Single Parent CyberWorld who provides great advice and support for us all.

MaddisMomma at Little Miss Maddie Moo - Moo is a such a cutie pie! Right in the middle of the custody/visitation battle (still), MaddisMomma really reminds me of how hard that process was and how to handle it with grace.

Mon at Holistic Mama - She does it the natural way. For a guy living in the Big City, I find that completely fascinating.

So, new awardees, if you choose to accept this, the typical way is to post the above award in your blog, tell us seven things about yourself we don't know, and then bestow this award on 10 new blogs you've stumbled across that you find interesting and worthy of such an honor, and inform them!

Best of luck!

I'm a Sugar Doll! And Ten Things You Don't Know About Me

2010-02-22T17:35:00.003-05:00

Well, it looks like I'm a lucky boy again! Our friend D. A. Wolf over at Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy has bestowed on me the

As D.A. describes it, the Sugar Doll is bestowed for delightful and thought-provoking writing. Nice to know my griping has had a positive effect on someone! What started out as a place to vent has turned into so much more.

Nothing comes for free however, Apparently I'm supposed to start a list of Ten Things You Don’t Know About Me, because, after all, aren't we trying to get acquainted? And then I need to find one or more other writers to share the pleasure of receiving the Sugar Doll Award. I'll do that in a post later this week. Mucho research to do!

So, without further to do, here's me in a nutshell. They are different form when Scott over at This Daddy's Blog gifted me with the Beautiful Blogger Award. Thought you kids could use some new material:

I don't drink alcohol at all. Not one drop for many years. Suffice it to say, I had enough to last a lifetime and my life, as well as everyone else's around me, just goes better that way.
My father is the guy in the world I admire the most. Not because he was hugly successful in life, monetarily at least. It's because he's a guy who has always done the right thing by people and his family, regardless of the personal impact. If I'm lucky, I'll be half as good a man. We're best friends and I'm so grateful for that;
I rarely read books, newspapers, etc. but if I do read , it's online. For some reason, reading the printed page puts me to sleep but the computer does not. If I have a lot of work reading to do and I can't get the document online, I many times will do it standing up or pacing around my office. Drives my co-workers crazy;
For a guy who lives in THE most densely populated zip code in the country (10021, look it up) I hate crowds. WTF? Put me in the woods with a lake and no people and I am at peace.
I can drive a fork lift and can weld, seriously. Not bad for a white collar geek. In all honesty, I'd rather be working with my hands;
I never believed in the Easter Bunny...NEVER. How the hell is a little bunny supposed to carry all those baskets around the world in one night, especially since no one said he was magic? And what the hell do bunnies have to do with eggs anyway? Even at 4 I thought this was stupid. An Easter Chicken maybe, if it were magic and could fly super fast, but a bunny? Come on...;
I was engaged prior to Ex, about 11 years ago. V, my then fiance, broke it off 5 months before the wedding. Broke my heart and took YEARS to heal. I still consider her the one that got away.
Accents on women drive me CRAZY in a good way: British, French, Southern, Russian, whatever...just TALK!
My freshman year in college, after much philandering, I was CONVINCED I had a serious STD (yes, sexually transmitted disease). I went to the team physician and showed him my business. He was a very old, crusty country doctor who had been the team physician for all the Virginia Tech athletes for 25 years. He looked at me over the top of his glasses, squenched up his face and said "Boy...you always wear them tightie whities? Cause you got the worst case of jock itch I ever seen! You gotta let your boy breathe!" To this day, I'm strictly a boxer guy.
When I was four, my Dad took me to K-Mart for Big Boy Day. We'd spend Saturdays looking at the sporting goods and would maybe buy a toy. Afterward, we'd go to Burger King and get burgers. One of my fondest childhood memories. One particular Saturday, I ordered a Whopper Junior because Dad got the Whopper. I felt like such a man. Half way through chewing the first bite I tasted the most disgusting thing I ever had in my mouth. We opened the bun and in it was a half rotten slice of tomato. To this day, I can't eat raw tomatoes. Ketchup, marinara, salsa, yes, but never just a plain sliced tomato. Makes me gag.

Ok kids. Be on the lookout for my list of Sugar Dolls, coming up soon!

Do I Say Something?

2010-02-18T07:00:00.001-05:00

That picture has nothing to do with today's topic. Guess guys just like monkeys. We identify, you know?

Last Friday night, Ex and I switched nights. Earlier in the week, she told me that she had a work trip to go on and wouldn't be able to take her usual Friday with Miss M. She asked for the following Thursday (tonight) in exchange for last Friday. No problema I thought: means I get so see Miss M 3 nights in a row (Wed, Thurs, Fri) on a week when I usually wouldn't have her for the weekend and only miss out on a Thursday when I get home from work late anyway.

I had a couple things to switch out though to make it work: I have a standing every other Friday night appointment with my personal therapist. LOVE this guy. He understood and changed the appt for me. Also, since it was Valentines weekend, Hot Girl and I were going to get together Friday night after my appt and spend the weekend together. She understood, as always, and we caught up Saturday around lunch time for the rest of the weekend. The plan was that I drop of Miss M at her mothers at 9 AM Saturday morning.

So, we arrive at Ex's place and...no Ex. I asked the doorman if he had seen her that morning (he starts his shift at 7 AM) and he said no. Strange. I'm just about to call Ex when she comes running in the front door. "Oh, sorry I'm late." Funny thing is, she's wearing jeans, obviously hadn't slept all night (I was with the woman for 6 years, you get to know these things), and she was carrying a sweatshirt that said "xxxxx Athletics" with the xxx standing for the college where Married Guy she's having the affair with went to (same guy she cheated with while we where married). I'm pissed, seriously, but didn't say anything.

She asked if we could come upstairs so that she could give me some paperwork for Miss M's school. We did. I was totally silent except with Miss M. When we got there, M ran into her room and Ex asked, "Is something wrong? You seem tense."

DUH!

I kept my composure, said nothing was wrong, hugged Miss M, and left.

Here's my issue: switches WILL happen, I get that. I was TOTALLY accommodating on juggling the schedule a few weeks ago when Ex's father died. Why wouldn't I be? Here though, she blatantly lied about a work trip so that she could see Married Guy. Set aside for a minute that he's the guy she cheated with...I juggled my schedule, my therapist's, and Hot Girl's FOR THAT?

Should I say something? I really feel I need to.

Here's the thing: we're getting along really well right now...not buddy buddy, but the private school application thing is going as smooth as I could possibly want. I really don't want to rock that boat. At the same time, she needs to respect my time and tell me the truth when it comes to reasons for switches. She KNOWS that I'll jump at any chance to see M more, but switches involve other people as well, who also deserve respect.

What do you think people? Do I say something and if so, how do I approach it?

My Little Doctor

2010-02-17T10:24:00.009-05:00

Hi folks. Sorry I was away for a while. With the long weekend, Valentines Day, and a nasty stomach bug, I've been out of touch with the world for a few days. It started Sunday afternoon after Miss M came over. We played with the flowers Daddy bought her, Skyped my parents so they could see her, and played outside with one of her friends in our building. I was feeling a bit queasy at that point but it didn't get worse until later. (Don't worry, I'll spare you the details).

By the time evening rolled around, I was good and nauseous. If I'm really sick I would have M's mother come get her but this time it felt like a stomach thing that I get every once in a while and it was close to bedtime so I wasn't worried. Normally when my stomach is acting up and have Miss M, I suck it up so she doesn't worry and has a good time. This time, I couldn't play that. We put in one of her favorite movies and I laid on the couch.

"Wassa matter Daddy?" asks very scrunchy concerned face.

"Daddy doesn't feel well honey. His tummy is upset"

"You sick???" face even scrunchier than before

"Yes baby, Daddy is a bit sick but he'll be ok. Let's watch the movie and then we can go to bed"

Very pensive and then "Wait Daddy! I fix you! I get my doctor kit!"

And off she ran to her room to get the kit I bought her to keep her from being scared of the doctor. Needless to say, since she knew it was my tummy, OF COURSE, she poked and prodded it which only made it feel worse, but who am I to spoil her fun, right?

After a very thorough (and painful) exam, my little doctor asked "Daddy, you better???"

"A little honey. You're a very good doctor"

"Thanks Daddy! You take kitty. Make you feel better" and she gave me the stuffed kitty that she carries with her everywhere. I could just melt.

Daddy feels A LOT better. :)

The Quotable Weekend

2010-02-12T15:55:00.004-05:00

A couple weeks ago I posted Ten Movie Quotes To Get You Through Life and it made me think, "Self, what if I do this as an occasional Friday feature? The crap is already written, I just have to find it." So I figured I'd try it today and see how you kids like it. Each week I'll post 10 quotes (movies, writers, speeches, whatever) and readers, if you have one you love, post it as well.

This week we start with an easy one: National Lampoon's Animal House. John Belushi and cast were obnoxious and funny before people were ready for it. They set the bar for juvenile humor going forward. I love this movie.

10. Otter: Ah, she broke our date.
Boon: Washing her hair?
Otter: Dead mother.

9. Hoover: They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal!

8. Otter: He can't do that do that to our pledges.
Boon: Only we can do that to our pledges.

7. Clorette De Pasto: Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger. The boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.

6. Marion Wormer: You can take your thumb out of my ass any time now, Carmine.

5. Bluto: "Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps."

4. Larry's evil conscience: Fuck her. Fuck her brains out. Suck her tits, squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.
Larry's good conscience: For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!
Larry's evil conscience: Aw, don't listen to that jack-off. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
Larry's good conscience: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever... I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
Larry's evil conscience: You homo

3. Katy: Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard.
Boon: Is he bigger than me?

2. Babs: Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?

1. Dean Wormer: Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

School Daze?

2010-02-09T10:28:00.003-05:00

Miss M turns 4 this coming October.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the New York school system, that means that if we want to send her to private prekindergarten, we should have completed and submitted applications sometime back in 2004. Seriously?

Every city has its competitive parents and school snobs but NYC has to be in a complete other universe for this kind of stuff. VERY few public schools in Manhattan are places you'd send your child if you could avoid it. When Ex and I split, I moved into a neighborhood that actually has a very good public school and we agreed to send M there. Of course, the rents in that neighborhood are 25% higher than non-good school 'hoods. They get you one way or another.

Here's the trick though: pre-k (4 year old kindergarten) is NOT mandatory in the state of NY. Kindergarten for that matter either. That means the schools don't have to offer it. The school is our 'hood does, but only has a certain number of slots, thus you have to apply and cross your fingers. Because siblings of kids already attending the school have first priority, Miss M has about as good a chance of getting in as I do of winning the Powerball. In normal economic conditions this wouldn't have been a problem, but because a lot of people have lost their jobs and pulled their kids out of private school, public schools are ridiculously overcrowded.

Ex and I now have to find a back up plan, which means applying to private schools which have already closed their application process. Luckily, the overcrowding of public schools means there are private spots, but of course, that comes at a price. The least expensive private school we can find is about $7000 a year. The most expensive (you can bet Ex wants us to apply there but no chance I will do that) is $27,000! For a four year old!!! Can you say ridiculously stupid! The name of the school says it all: The Towne School. That extra "e" has to be good for at least $10,000.

Here's what I don't understand: how can the education be THAT much better at 4 years old? I went to private school up until high school and was somewhat ahead of the other kids by the time I got to the 9th grade, so I get it to a point, but $27,000? And it gets up into the $40,000's as the kids get older. Manhattan is another planet.

So, Ex and I get so spend A LOT of time together. FUN, FUN! We're getting along marginally better these days, mainly because we've had minimal contact but that's about to change. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm going to have to meditate on patience and tolerance a lot, both for dealing with Ex and the snotty private school people.

I'm Getting Married to the Perfect Woman

2010-02-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

I found her.

The woman of my dreams.

I was searching the web for my dream girl and there she was.

Delectable, taunting me with her very presence.

She's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I know what you'll all say:

You're still early out of divorce
You don't know her AT ALL
What's the rush?
Shouldn't you at least go on one date with her?

But I say...DON'T try and talk me out of it.

I know it's quick but when you know, you know.

I love her.

She's sexy, provocative, has a FANTASTIC sense of style, and so incredibly intelligent and intuitive that she knows EXACTLY what a man wants...

BOOBS AND BACON!

Beautiful isn't she?

Have a great weekend everyone. Go Saints!!!

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!!!

2010-02-04T09:00:00.001-05:00

So I'm proud to say that I received my first Blog Award yesterday!!! My buddy Scott over at This Daddy's Blog graced me with the Beautiful Blogger Award. As the fine print requires, THANK YOU SCOTT. I am honored, especially to be called "beautiful" by a hetero dude. That is a man comfortable with his sexuality. If you haven't checked out Scott's blog, I'd encourage you to. While we've never met in person or talked through more than blogging, he's a guy who's perspective on family I totally identify with. TOTALLY devoted to his wife and four kids, fully able to admit when he's wrong, and funny to boot. Great job Scott. Keep it up.

So, here's the fine print on my award:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award and insert a link to their blog. DONE

Pass on the award to about 15 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are great! That will be an ongoing process. My plan is to give out awards once or twice a week until I've fulfilled my commitment.
Contact the other bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award
Say 7 things about yourself. SWEET! My favorite topic...ME!

So, let's see what I can say about myself that's fun and interesting:

I drink more coffee daily than any person should consume in a month. Mostly espresso. Strangely, I have no problems sleeping;
I couldn't name a song in the top 100 across any kind of music at any point in the last 5 years. Just no interest whatsoever;
For a big city finance guy, I'm kind of an anomaly. I'm mostly a liberal Democrat, especially on social issues.
All things considered, I'd be more comfortable living in a cabin in the woods, wearing cowboy boots, and driving a pick up truck than living in Manhattan;
I grew up playing soccer and actually trialed with Liverpool in England when I was 17. At the time, drinking beer and chasing skirt was WAY more important so obviously that didn't go so well. I did have fun though. Still, it's simultaneously one of my proudest accomplishments and biggest regrets;
I just ate an entire Toblerone. Damn those things are good! ;
My little Miss M is the absolute love of my life and even though my life isn't what I pictured, it's perfect because I have her. I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything.

So kids, there's some of me in a nutshell (literally). Have a great day!

Weird but True

2010-02-03T11:30:00.002-05:00

Lacking any single Daddy news today, so I thought I'd keep in light.

Here are a few excerpts involving bad parenting or relationship disasters from The New York Post over the last few weeks. Makes me grateful for my life. As they say, it could always be worse. Some of these are truly scary.

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Talk about criminal child abuse!
A Tennessee woman was busted after getting her 11-year-old son to commit armed robbery at the financial-services office where she once worked.
As Angela Evans waited in the getaway car, her son walked in with a stocking mask over his face, held a gun to a woman's head and took $80.
Evans gave him $20 as his cut of the proceeds.

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Divorce doesn't apply only to people.
Keepers at a wildfowl sanctuary in southern England have recorded only the second "swan divorce" in 40 years.
Bewick's swans are famous for mating for life. But Sarandi, a male bird, returned from his annual migration to Russia with a new partner, leading officials to fear that his girlfriend of two years, Saruni, hadn't survived.
But then she showed up with a new boyfriend.
Now all four birds are swimming around the same lake, carefully ignoring one another.

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In most places, they'd just call this gold-digging.
New Hampshire cops arrested a man and woman after the man called to complain that he'd paid the woman for sex but she refused to go through with it.
Both the 22-year-old woman and 32-year-old man were hit with charges related to prostitution.

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She caught him sleeping for eternity with another woman.
A widow in St. Petersburg, Fla., is suing a cemetery after she went to visit her husband's grave adjoining her own plot and found another occupant with him.
Lucille Rembert said she started to cry. "I said, 'Oh no, not again,' " she told The St. Petersburg Times.
The same thing happened in 1995.

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It was love that moved him -- and his livestock.
Dick Kleis, a farmer in Zwingle, Iowa, used more than 120,000 pounds of manure to spell out a special message to his wife, Carole: "Happy birthday. I love you."
For anyone with a large field and a desire to create a similarly sentimental greeting, he has this advice: "Any manure will work. But the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best."

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This is what divorce "This Old House"-style looks like.
A woman in Washington state whose husband was leaving her got back at him by allegedly rewiring his power tools to deliver a powerful electric shock when he used them.
She was arrested after he was knocked to the ground while using a 220-volt table saw.

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Think your family's bad?
A Sicilian man went to a police station to ask that he be arrested -- because he didn't want to spend New Years Eve with relatives. Cops declined, because he hadn't committed a crime.
So he went to a nearby store and stole some candy and chewing gum. This time, he got his wish.

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It's not the starch that makes these sheets stiff.
A Spanish inventor has infused bedsheets with Viagra so randy rompers can absorb the sex-enhancing drug through their skin rather than popping a pill.
"It started as a joke after we saw a study that said businessmen get little sex because they are too tired from work," said sheet maker Pep Torres.

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The Rest of the World

2010-02-02T09:24:00.005-05:00

Some days in New York are very exciting. Traffic is jammed, there's some kind of dignitary visiting, a worldwide protest of something is going on at the U.N., or there's a huge sporting event. It's what makes living in the city fun, interesting, and sometimes overwhelming.

I grew up in a suburb in South Carolina. Not much went on there and I was really anxious to get out and explore the world. Since then, I haven't exactly done a world tour, but I've lived in or near several big cities: Atlanta, Philadelphia, Baltimore, DC, and of course, New York. Each has its own unique charm and benefits, as well as drawbacks. As a father, I recall always wanting to raise a family close to a large city for the cultural benefits as well as the world prospective it would provide my children. Granted, New York is a lot bigger, faster, and more expensive than anywhere I would have chosen to settle down, but it is home and I'm feeling mostly comfortable now.

I guess I'm thinking of this because of the recent Facebook contact I've had with old high school friends. A few of them, like me, got out and explored the world not turn. A few left for a while but returned to raise families. Most stayed and haven't lived anywhere else. While that's a nice thing for them (erg. stability, roots in the same place, predictability, etc.) I find it somewhat limiting in scope. As I've talked to some of them, they are amazed at things that I now take for granted: living in a high rise apartment building; not owning or needing a car; the sheer volume of people; or the ethnic diversity.

I want my little one to grow up with a "world view," primarily because when I got to college, I realized how small the world had been for me the 18 years prior. Most of the kids I went to college with were from the DC area. They knew a ton about politics, economics, different cultures, and the arts. I felt really behind. Miss M, growing up in NYC, obviously isn't going tho have that problem, but she will be missing out on how most of the rest of the country lives.

NYC is so unique in it's every day experience and I've noticed people who grow up here (Manhattan specifically) are just a bit "off." They're almost afraid of the rest of the country. Seems strange right? That's not how I want Miss M to be. I've been doing my best to show her "Normal America" by visiting my parents and sister in SC but there has to be more.

I think attitudes and values start at home. There are a plethora of things to do here with my little one and exposing her to all of it I feel is really important. I want her to be a well rounded person who feels comfortable in any situation, in any place. Traveling to other places, experiencing other people and cultures, and teaching acceptance of those "different" seems the way to go.

So parents, how do you teach your little ones about the rest of the world, especially on a limited single parent budget? How do we show our kids the world, teach them about others different than them, and make sure they are well rounded enough to make informed decisions about their own path in life? My question for the day...

Ten Movie Quotes To Get You Through Life

2010-01-29T10:07:00.004-05:00

I love movies. Practially not one weekend away from Miss M goes by when I don't see at least one. Virtually every decent movie I see has a great quote or two that makes me think "I should remember that!" Today, while surfing through the endless list of websites I read daily while effin' around on my job, I ran across a list that I really like by Scott Tunstall at FlickSided.com. Take a look and if you have some memerable quotes of your own, let's hear them!

10 – “Pain don’t hurt.”

Delivered by: Professional bouncer James Dalton in Road House.
Why it matters: We learn at an early age that a lot of stuff will cause us pain. It sucks, but it’s inevitable. Using Dalton’s Zen-like philosophy, we can disconnect the pain thus rendering it powerless. Works great when you slam your finger in the car door.

9 – “You dick!”

Delivered by: Surfer dude Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Why it matters: We will meet plenty of assholes and morons in our lifetime. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade and tell these purveyors of douchebaggery what you think of them. It might lead to a confrontation, but it beats being a doormat.

8 – “Look eye, always look eye.”

Delivered by: Martial arts master Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid.
Why it matters: You’ll get a lot further down life’s path if you look people in the eye. Don’t give them a reason to think you’re hiding something or that you’re not trustworthy. Show no fear. Stare them down like a professional fighter, minus the psychotic snarl.

7 – “I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.”

Delivered by: Dimwitted sage Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump.
Why it matters: You don’t have to be a genius to feel love. However, you do have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with its crushing effects. Heartache and rejection will befall each and every one of us. Don’t let it defeat you. Be like Gump.

6 – “Stay frosty.”

Delivered by: Badass Colonial Marine Corporal Dwight Hicks in Aliens.
Why it matters: The worst thing you can do when you’re in a tight spot is panic and lose your water. Keep a level head no matter the predicament. Unless it has to do with man-eating aliens with acid for blood. Then you can freak out and run for the hills.

5 – “Deserve’s got nuthin’ to do with it.”

Delivered by: Cold-blooded outlaw William Munny in Unforgiven.
Why it matters: Bad shit happens to everyone for no rhyme or reason. You could be the world’s greatest humanitarian or the world’s biggest villain. Don’t look for the “why.” You won’t find it. It’s a cruel fact of life that none of us are immune to tragedy.

4 – “I have a lot of problems… but they belong to me.”

Delivered by: Dysfunctional recluse Graham Dalton in Sex, Lies and Videotape.
Why it matters: I don’t know anyone that isn’t effed up a little bit. It doesn’t mean they should be fitted for a straitjacket. Got minor hangups? It’s normal. Got serious hangups? Might be a good idea to talk to someone. Locking yourself inside a self-imposed prison isn’t very healthy.

3 – “Never tell me the odds.”

Delivered by: Clever space smuggler Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back.
Why it matters: I used to gamble back in the day. Knowing the odds was critical. That being said, on occasion I picked instinct over logic and it paid off huge. Life is all about taking the plunge. Sitting back and playing it safe is for party poopers. Sometimes you gotta close your eyes and roll the dice.

2 – “I’m too old for this shit.”

Delivered by : Grizzled police Sergeant Roger Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon.
Why it matters: Getting old blows. Trust me when I say that a night of nonstop barhopping is much tougher to recover from at 35 than at 25. If you’re not a youngster anymore, stop pretending to be one. You’ll end up looking like what you are — an old fool.

1 – “Time to die.”

Delivered by: Ruthless Replicant Roy Batty in Blade Runner.
Why it matters: No one gets out alive. The sooner we come to terms with that little nugget, the easier it will be to enjoy the time we are allotted. Roy Batty wanted more. Once he learned that wasn’t possible, he graciously accepted his fate and said goodbye.

Single Parent Vacation Ideas?

2010-01-27T10:22:00.004-05:00

So, now a year and a half into divorce, being a single parent on a day to day basis seems normal, especially since my ex spent very little time parenting my daughter with me while we were married. Miss M is getting old enough for us to do more activities together and now that she is potty trained and can communicate, extended periods away from home are less work and more fun.

My custody agreement allows for two weeks vacation away each year for each parent. With some flexibility, I'm sure Ex and I will get to a place (some day) where another week or so won't be a problem. Now the problem is, just what to do? Especially since I'm now allowed six (yes 6!) weeks of vacation from my job.

Last year during the summer, I took Miss M to the beach in South Carolina (where my family is and where I grew up). We rented a huge house and my parents as well as my sister and her 3 kids and husband came. That was fun and we'll probably do that again. My Dad loved it most of all. Miss M is his only "birth grand daughter". I have a step niece who is wonderful but she's 19 and we got her when she was older (7) so he didn't get to go through the baby stage with her. It's so fun to watch them together.

Custody agreement is really good for me time wise. When I have Miss M for the weekend, I have her from Wednesday morning until Sunday night, so long weekends are always easy. Trips to my parents, long weekends at the beach, or even "city weekends" are fun.

What about the other week or two I can go on vacation though? I'm at a loss so I thought I'd ask my single parent friends. What do you do with your kids? Keep in mind Miss M is just over 3, so it can't be too crazy, but she is a pretty active little girl. I'd love to take her on a trip that provides great activities for her, isn't crazy expensive, and can be fun for Daddy too.

Fire away kids, let me know your ideas. Oh yeah, and as BLW mentioned yesterday in my post about The Dilemma, with the exeption of Dave over at Dad's House, no dude comments? Come on fellas!!! A little help here? Maybe I don't have any dude readers. What's that about?

The Dilemma

2010-01-25T10:37:00.004-05:00

So, I don't talk too much about my personal life away from Miss M here but today, I need some feedback.

Hot Girl and I have been seeing eachother since two months after my divorce (with a 2 month break last summer). She's a great girl in a lot of ways: smart, family oriented, pretty, good sense of humor, and was really good with Miss M when they were spending time together. We broke up for a few months because among other things, we had trouble communicating. She felt I didn't take her feelings into account which frustrated her, and I felt that in things that I needed her to accept the way things are (in regard to Miss M and my Ex) she was putting too much pressure on me. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in between.

We've been back together since this past October and communication has gotten a ton better. I've yet to do the reintroduction to Miss M, however. It just doesn't seem like a good idea to me unless I'm totally sure (as much as I can be) that we're committed to the relationship long term. This means that Hot Girl has to work around the custody schedule which I admit would be difficult for anyone. We do see eachother at least twice a week and every other weekend though.

Over the last few weeks, Hot Girl has been getting frustrated and has been expressing this. She wants to see me more and to be reintroduced to Miss M. I'm hesitant. It's not because I don't think Hot Girl wouldn't make a good "friend" for Miss M or that she wouldn't be a phenomenal step mother to her if we get to that point. On the contrary, I think she'd be tremendous and I've told her so. It's the relationship between Hot Girl and me that I'm worried about.

Most times, we get along great. We love to go to movies and watch sports together, she gets my sense of humor, we're physically attracted to eachother, the sex is phenomenal (I really mean that), and we think the same way about family. Our political views are different (she's kind of a rightie whereas I am totally left). She's a "fancy" girl (which takes an entirely different meaning in NYC than anywhere else) and has trouble not being fancy. I can do either but prefer unfancy. She grew up in a wealthy Boston WASPy family that didn't talk much about feeling or express emotions. I grew up in middle class Italian family that is all about talking about EVERYTHING. I'm a mountains guy, she's a fancy beach girl. These differences can probably be worked around though (I think).

Here's my major dilemma(s):

1) Hot Girl is a high stress person. From big things like not having a job right now (understandable) to little things like not being able to get a cab on a busy day, she gets stressed out easily. I am totally the opposite BY CHOICE. I've worked very hard over the last 10 or so years to not let things get to me and someone who can't do the same causes me stress. She claims that the stress is hers and not mine to fix (I agree) but just being around it makes me uncomfortable. I have no idea what to do with this, especially since if we stay together, we are going to have stressful periods together which will mean I'll have two problems: her stress and the problem itself. Most of my life I've ended up in relationships with high stress women (it all starts with Mom), but I'm tired of being the steady calm guy who has to hold things together. It makes me tired. I want a partner who deals with things like I do by remaining calm and having faith that things will work out. Is that reasonable? I'm not even sure that women like that exist (no offense, I've just never been with one). And,

2) I've alluded to this before, but Hot Girl grew up wealthy (no big deal) and sometimes can act like a spoiled child (most times not, but sometimes). All her friends are the same way. I don't like them (at least the ones I've met). They seem like the entitled rich spoiled kids I didn't like growing up. Don't know how you all feel, but regardless of how much money a person has or how they came about getting it, I don't believe this makes one person better than another. Hot Girls says she agrees with this yet she spends her time away from me with these people who clearly think this way. Am I crazy to think that there's a strange disconnect here? My friends certainly aren't exactly like me (how boring would that be?) but we do have mostly the same values, which is a HUGE thing in a long term relationship. Is Hot Girl more like me or more like them? I just don't know how to think about this one.

She hasn't given me an ultimatum but I know she's very frustrated and wants to be with me more. That's a good thing. She keeps asking me what else does she need to do to get us to that point and I don't know the answer and have told her so. Of course, this only stresses her out more which makes me more unsure. Problem, right? I'm at a loss and things are coming to a head. I've asked her to be patient and she's trying but it's looking like that will end soon. My fears are 1) introducing Miss M to someone who will leave her life (again), and 2) ending up with someone who wasn't what they seemed to be (in my eyes) and having to break up another family. I just don't want to go through that again.

I'm not a commitment phobe nor do I expect my parter to be perfect, but these two things seem important. Feedback please??? Most of you have been doing the single parent thing longer than me. I'd love to know what you think.

Are You SuperBad?

2010-01-22T09:58:00.008-05:00

OK, I have to admit that my sense of humor can be sometimes juvenile. I love Judd Apatow movies and this one is one of my all time favorites. Jonah Hill (Seth) when he gets on one of his neurotic run on sentence modes has to be one of the funniest guys in movies today. His "slothness" only makes it better.

Last night as I was flipping through the channels after getting Miss M to bed, I caught the last half of this movie (I own it as well). I couldn't resist watching it for the hundredth time. After a while, it made me wonder "What is it about this movie I like so much?" Didn't take long to answer: I identified with the characters. No, not McLovin (though that dude is hilarious), and not Seth. The Michael Cera character (Evan) is a decent representation of me in high school: good student, too nice a guy to have real fun, scared of girls, painfully insecure, and waiting to get to college to break out.

I was a late bloomer. Not until my late 20's did really come into my own becoming comfortable with who I am, confident in my abilities, just felt ok with being me, and honestly, no longer give a crap what people think of me. Freeing, right? It's very rare that I'm intimidated by speaking with anyone or feel there is something I can't do or learn.

I started thinking about this lately because recently through Facebook I've connected with a lot of people from high school with whom I haven't spoken since graduation, or rather, they've connected with me. Most of them are the "hot girls" from high school who wouldn't be seen talking with me back in the day (or at least that's how I felt about it). Instead of me painfully admiring from afar like Evan in Superbad though, now they are all contacting me. What the hell was I so scared of back in the day?

It's been nice I must say and kind of flattering having all the "popular girls" chasing me now. Just like me, half of them are single parents now looking for that second partner. A lot of them still look great too. Lots of flirty emails have been flying back and forth and there have been some phone calls, but nothing even close to serious, plus, I'm still with Hot Girl and that is going really well at the moment. Just having fun.

Funny thing about high school is that at the time, everything we're going through seems SO serious. If only we knew then what we know now.

Is there a movie character that represents you in high school?

Searching for Whitopia

2010-01-18T07:00:00.002-05:00

There's a strange heading, right? A good friend of mine, Richard Benjamin, is a first time author and recently published the book Searching for Whitopia: An Improbable Journey to the Heart of White America. When he told me about how he was going to research the book by living in some of the more white separatist areas of the country for months at time (Rich is a diminutive black man, picture thin, horn rimmed glasses, bowtie), I thought he was out of his mind. He may still be, but the result is this very interesting and well thought out book. Below is a review of the book by the Progressive Book Club. Take a look and buy it. You won't be disappointed.

An exploration of the social and political implications of the growing phenomenon of “Whitopias”—small towns and exurbs without diversity.

By 2042, white Americans will no longer be the majority. As immigrant populations—largely people of color—increase in cities and suburbs, more and more whites are moving to small towns and exurban areas that are predominately, even extremely, white. Journalist Rich Benjamin calls these enclaves “Whitopias.”

For two years, Benjamin, who is black, traveled through the heart of white America, to some of the fastest-growing and whitest locales in the nation. These communities, he writes, “cannily preserve a white-bread world, a throwback to an imagined past with ‘authentic’ 1950s values and the nifty suburban amenities available today.”

Benjamin’s journey to unlock the mysteries of Whitopias took him from a three-day white separatist retreat with links to Aryan Nations in North Idaho to the inner sanctum of George W. Bush’s White House—and many points in between. And to learn what makes Whitopias tick, and why and how they are growing, Benjamin lived in three of these communities (in Georgia, Idaho, and Utah) for several months apiece.

Praise for Searching for Whitopia

“Benjamin goes where no (sane) black man has gone before—into the palest enclaves, like Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, to those places where white Americans have fled to escape the challenges of diversity.”—Barbara Ehrenreich, author of Nickel and Dimed

“A courageous book that holds a mirror up to our country—and the reflection is one we can no longer afford to ignore.”—David Sirota, author of The Uprising and Hostile Takeover
“An essential tool in questioning, appreciating, and better understanding these most historic times.”—Edwidge Danticat, author of Breath, Eyes, Memory

“An account of a black man’s journey through the whitest communities of America is bound to be thought-provoking, especially when the voyager is as observant and articulate as Rich Benjamin. A very entertaining read with a message worth pondering.” —Robert D. Putnam, Harvard professor of public policy and author of Bowling Alone

“Benjamin examines the history, politics, economics, and culture of race and class as seen in the growth of these ‘whitopias,’ racially and therefore socioeconomically exclusive communities from the exurb St. George, Utah, to the inner-city enclave of Carnegie Hill in Manhattan. . . . This is a thoroughly engaging and eye-opening look at an urgent social issue.”—Booklist

Alternative Parenting

2010-01-15T11:00:00.009-05:00

Chocolate or Vanilla? If only all of life's decisions where that easy. Upside only! I'll take a lifetime of that please. :) Here, I'm talking about how to teach Miss M to make decisions though. If ice cream was our only decision, we'd have one happy girl.

Lately, Miss M has become the dream child (I'm cursing myself, I know). She's always been affectionate and sweet, but recently she's become totally compliant and agreeable with very few tantrums. For a three year old, that's a rarity.

Now, she wasn't bad prior to the last few months, but there were more tantrums and stand offs (see my post Fun or Discipline from just last month). I hadn't really thought about what brought this about I read a post by Danielle on Mid Life Mommy yesterday called Could I Have Created This Monster? (Hope you don't mind me linking you here Danielle). What in Miss M changed over the last few months to make her so much more easy to deal with? Surprisingly, besides ever improving language skills, nothing. What changed was my approach.

We had been getting into tests of wills for a while and I was getting frustrated. One day out of the blue, I realized that maybe she felt that I was being inflexible in how I approached things (not that I've EVER been accused of that before :) As single parents, we have the dilemma of how to allow our little ones to enjoy themselves while still taking care of things around the house (feeding, cleaning, shopping, etc.). The more behind I felt I was getting in accomplishing the needed tasks, the more frustrated I got and it showed. I have my way of doing things and while it works for me, I suddenly realized that maybe it didn't work for her.

When she was less than a year old, I bought and read the book Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D. At the time, I wasn't having any problems with Miss M, but given her headstrong parents, I figured it was just a matter of time. I honestly don't remember much about the book except for one thing: strong willed children often get into conflict with their parents because they don't feel they are given a choice in deciding their fate. Hmmm...there's a concept. Miraculously, after a conflict with Miss M over something (I forget what), this idea popped into my head: What if I give her a choice of two things she can do, eat, wear, etc that are acceptable to me and accomplish what I need done so that she feels empowered and not backed into a corner? I'm sure a lot of you are thinking "Duh you bonehead! Who doesn't like to be empowered?" Well, in the heat of the moment, it never occured to me.

I started doing this and miraculously, Miss M and I have had very few stand offs since. I limit her choices to two so as not to make it too complicated but the results have been incredible! For example, the other morning we were getting ready for school. That's a tough one, right? I have to get to work on time, she needs to get there on time, we both need to get dressed, eat, straighten up from the morning's play, the clock is ticking and I need coffee BAD. A lot to do in an hour with a three year old, yes? She wasn't too motivated to eat which is only a recipe for disaster later because wow does she get grumpy if she's hungry. Instead of trying to coax her to eat (to no avail) like I had a few months prior, I gave her a choice: "M, right now Daddy needs you to either eat breakfast or to come over here and clean up your toys. Which one would you like to do?" Quick answer and a no brainer: "I eat!" So, while she ate, I was able to clean up the toys, eat my own breakfast and down a couple espressos. And like magic, we were 10 minutes early to school.

Greated, it doesn't work every time, but luckily for me, it does most times and I now feel like I have a little house partner. It really has done a lot for our relationship. So, tonight we'll watch one of two movies (her choice) and tomorrow we'll decide which of our friends we want to play with. We...what a cute concept. :)

Have a great weekend everyone.

Only for A Season

2010-01-13T10:50:00.003-05:00

I'm a proud cousin. My cousin Amy is now a published author. Several years ago, Amy and her husband Chris had a beautiful baby girl, only to find out soon after that little Kelsea had a serious heart defect and wasn't expected to live. They struggled, scratched, clawed, and most importantly, prayed while they put their trust in God and the medical community to save their baby girl. This book is Amy's account of that stressful but beautiful time in her life.

Please take a look. We all share love for our little ones. This book will make you appreciate what you have so much more. Congratulations Amy.

Only for a Season - The Baby in Bed no 1 by Amy Grumbling

"After almost two years of infertility, Amy Grumbling hears the words, 'You're pregnant!'
Meticulously, she keeps every doctor's appointment, eats her fruits and vegetables, exercises, and basks in a full-term, blissful pregnancy.
A most unusual labor experience arises, and within hours Amy and her husband hear the words every couple dreads, 'Your daughter has a cardiac defect.'

What if this was your reality?

Join new author Amy Grumbling on an unexpected journey into the other world that exists where babies are born. Vivid memories reveal the complicated battles that ensue for baby Kelsea's life and set the stage for the power of God to be seen clearly in response to the prayers of countless friends and family. Clinging to faith, Amy must rely on her trust in God in spite of doctors' reports that Kelsea was moments away from death, thrusting her into a spiritual battle right after giving birth.

In this powerful, beautifully-written account of a new mother struggling with every parent's nightmare, readers will be witness to the presence of God as he brings this family through a frightening time that will last Only for a Season."

You can buy this book at Barnes and Noble, Amazon.com or at Tate Publishing.

Death in the Family

2010-01-12T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, sort of. Ex's "father" died Saturday. I put that in quotations only because it wasn't her biological father, who is still alive. He was 73. He was actually was the father of her best friend from childhood (who was killed in a car accident at 14) who looked after her after she left home at 15 to get away from her abusive household. Luckily Ex was able to get there before he died to say good bye, although he was in a coma.

I feel for her, I really do. While my childhood wasn't perfect, it was relatively stable (with periods of intense chaos, but the Brady Bunch compared to Ex's family). I always knew my folks loved me, I was close to my relatives, and above all I knew I could trust my family to take care of me if I needed it, even if I didn't want it sometimes. She didn't have that luxury. This guy was the only person who she's really ever trusted in her life, who gave her at least a bit of confidence, and who always tried to see things from her perspective. Having lost his daughter, he in a sense adopted Ex "at arms length." He certainly was a steadying influence on her life, which she's so desparately needed. I can only hope that his influence continues to stay with her. Honestly I'm a bit worried but not much I can do.

She seems to be handling it pretty well on the outside at least. I'm trying my best to be supportive without getting too close and giving her leeway to just do what she needs to do. He lived in Europe, so Miss M will be with me for most of the next two weeks while Ex travels back and forth to take care of things.

I didn't know the guy all that well. We stayed with him and his wife on the few visits we made back to Ex's place of childhood. He was extremely helpful to me in collecting myself when I was fired from a job a few years ago. He was a very impressive guy: extremely successful business man (retired), a former member of his country's national ski team, an avid cyclist and mountain climber, and unfortunately a pretty hard drinker. Tough on the outside but underneath a man with a good heart. His wife (second wife) felt he never got over the loss of his daughter. Who would, right? I hope he's found peace with her. Peter, rest well...

Alvin and the Chipmunks - The Squeakquel

2010-01-11T12:45:00.003-05:00

Happy to say, this movie rocked! I took the afternoon off Friday to spend with Miss M. Work has been slow so I figured who better to spend the day with than my best girl. I picked her up from daycare and off we went to the theater. All week long she'd been saying to her friends, her Mommy, and her teachers "Go BIG MOVIE!!!" She was beside herself with excitement.

I had decided that an afternoon matinee was the way to go so as to avoid the crowds. If any of you has ever tried to go to a movie in NYC you get why. People line up an hour prior for ALL movies just to claim their seats. Rare is the time when not every seat in the theater is filled. So, per Daddy's good planning, when we got to the theater it was practically empty.

We got a HUGE tub of popcorn and a large seltzer to share (I know this sounds strange but my girl LOVES bubble water. It's practically all she drinks). We found our seats like I like them (half way down, on the aisle). There was no one in our row. I piled the coats up on her chair so she would be higher up and then took the aisle seat for myself.

Now, I don't know how it is in middle America, but the first 30 minutes in NYC are reserved for commercials and previews. Seriously??? Not even good commercial and they repeated three times!!! And then the endless stream of previews for movies that scared the CRAP out of my little girls. She started getting weepy so I put her on my lap. Once the movie started though, she had a ball! She picked at popcorn the whole time, stayed at my lap, and talked to me through the whole thing.

I was SO glad to have a good movie experience after the Princess and the Frog. Alvin wasn't complex by any stretch and is a mix of animation with real life characters, but it has NO scary parts, stays focused on the chipmunks almost the whole time, and has pretty fun songs for the little ones to dance to.

Two big thumbs up. Take that Disney!

How Much Do I Need to Trust My Ex?

2010-01-06T14:20:00.003-05:00

Trust is a huge issue for all of us. Our ability (or lack thereof) to trust that our needs will be taken care of is something that is formed at an early age. How well we felt our parents or caregivers provided for us in those years probably has a lot to do with how needy we are in relationships in adulthood. Among many definitions that I've read over the last couple days, one that struck me is the most"the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed."

For those of us who share custody, there needs to be a certain amount of trust in the other parent. Unless we can believe that our co-parent has our child's physical and emotional well being at heart, we're going to be unsettled most of the time. Lack of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse of course is a must. Feeding, clothing, proper discipline, and sharing of love as well. All of these I believe my Ex provides for my daughter. The responsibility of a single parent has been imposed on her. The State of NY, as well as I, have to have confidence that she will do her best to care for our daughter. But what about the rest of it?

I've mentioned here before that I believe my Ex is a pathological liar, and a very good one at that. It took me a while to see it, but her lack of deep long lasting relationships on any level should have been my first clue. Now, besides her infidelity, there are and have been so many contradictions to stories she tells, exaggerations of situations, and flat out misinterpretations of the truth that I lose sleep many nights wondering just what is really going on. From how much time Miss M spends with babysitters, to Ex's real financial situation, to Ex filing a false child abuse claim soon after our separation, to her infidelity and continued relationship with Married Guy (and my daugther's exposure to this), I'm so upside down most times that I wonder is it better for me to have no contact with her besides on drop offs. It stresses me out to no end.

I bring this up because the other day I had a separate conversation with the Child Therapist we see together because there were clear lies that were going on during our therapy sessions. Most had to do with Married Guy and his exposure to my daughter. Once I explained to Therapist that the story had changed multiple times and the one of Ex's closest friends had told me in confidence that the infidelity had occured, Therapist understood my lack of trust. Her suggestion was that we both "trust but verify" Ex's stories going forward and keep track of the stories that are told. Frustrating beyond belief.

Here's my question though: Does it really matter? The "war" part of our divorce seems to have passed. As long as we each go by the rules of our custody agreement, I pay support on time, and Miss M is well cared for, what's the problem? I already know that Ex is a Hot Mess. Shouldn't I just be able to leave it at that and move on with my life? Does whatever "story of the day" that Ex decides to tell to make herself look like the good guy and me the bad guy matter?

I suppose the High Road is the place to go with this, but I could use some help. What do you all think? Am I needlessly getting stressed over trivial things since I do know that Miss M is well cared for or should I try to get to the bottom of most situations so that I can to the best of my ability protect Miss M from Ex's emotional and moral instability ? It's a tough one. Let the feedback begin...

Favorite Moments of 2009???

2010-01-04T10:48:00.005-05:00

Great picture, huh? Believe it nor not, I took this with a disposable camera right after a rainstorm in Glacier National Park in 2005. See the rainbow? It's one of my favorite non-Miss M pictures I've ever taken.

That was a great trip for me. I had just gotten fired from a job, the job I moved to NYC for. I had been hired in 2001 by a guy with whom I had been very close friends back in my "wild" days. He was/is a typical Wall Street guy: play hard, work hard, take credit for other people's success, blame failure on everyone else, treat your employees like crap. We started butting heads and eventually I lost the political war. He got fired a year later.

Funny thing is, at the time it seemed like the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Here I was, newly married, in a city I really didn't want to be in, in a new career with not much of a track record, and completely unsure that I could be successful in what I had chosen in my path in life. At the time, I had been so focused on my material life that my spiritual life had taken a beating. In short, something stressful happened and I wasn't spiritually fit for it.

I took the trip to Glacier by myself (Ex wasn't into that kind of stuff) in order to clear my head and try to remember what's really important in life. Right before I left, I was offered the job I have now. The trip was really settling for me and the new job turned out to be the best one I've ever had. Who knew right? What I thought was the worst thing that could ever happen to me turned out to be one of the best in hindsight. All of this is before Miss M was born of course.

I'm thinking about this because at dinner on New Year's Eve, a friend was polling each of us as to what was the best moment of 2009. My buddy Pete had a similar story to what I described above. He was blown out at Lehman, landed at Barclay's, and in a few months, got blown out again. He landed not just on his feet but in a great job and in the process, realized that he had a tremendous support network which he had previously taken for granted. Great story, right?

Then it was my turn. 2009 was a incredibly tough year. I thought for moment and then decided to pass. Disappointing. 2009 was the first full year since my separation. Divorce, financial problems as a result, job insecurity, only seeing my little one half the time, developing and then losing my relationship with Hot Girl (only to regain it later in the year)...I felt like there were no stand out great positive moments during the year. In a sense, it seemed that 2009 was the year to "hold it together" and not make things worse. Honestly, I'm just glad it's over. Is that it???!!!!

Maybe. When I think of it, the job loss of 2005 hit me worse than my divorce. I literally had a nervous breakdown and had to be medicated to hold back the anxiety. Scary, right? My divorce, while incredibly painful (and seemingly the gift that keeps on giving), was much sadder and more difficult, yet didn't cause the depression and anxiety I had in 2005. Why??? The only reason I can think of is that I am more spiritually fit. Since '05 I've began again to regularly (although not as often as I would like) meditate, pray, and discuss my feelings with my friends. I try to focus on being in the moment and ok with my life as it is, RIGHT NOW. Tough when things are going sideways, but when I focus on my spirit, the bad times don't seem as bad. It make me feel like I'm off the "treadmill" of material quests and more on the path I think my Higher Power would like me to be on. Things in the universe then seem manageable, even if they don't seem to be going the way I would like. Being grateful for what I have, not resentful for what I don't.

Maybe that's my best moment of 2009...being ready it all when things fell apart. HP and my friends got me through it relatively unscathed. It's not how I pictured my life, but all in it's pretty darn good.

Here's to a positive 2010!

Christmas at Daddy's House...

2009-12-29T10:54:00.002-05:00

Here it is, the masterpiece! Yes, those are the little hands of Miss M working on her first gingerbread house! She calls it "cookie house." Obviously Daddy didn't bake it; it's from a kit. Still, we had a ball putting it together and decorating it. Funny, she didn't want to eat it though. Guess it's just too pretty. :)

I have to say, after all the fear of having a lonely Christmas, it might have been the best one I've every had. Who knew? I went to a movie with a friend Christmas Eve (Avatar, pretty good), had breakfast with a buddy Christmas morning, and then went to a big Christmas party that afternoon. Saw a ton of friends and realized that I wasn't the only one who didn't see family on Christmas. Once Miss M showed up, we had SO much fun. Roller skates, a princess castle, and a new tent (in the form of a castle) were her big presents. We barely left the apartment for the next two days! The excitment on her face was priceless and I actually forgot that it wasn't the actual Christmas Day.

Feeling really grateful and realizing that while this isn't the life I pictured, it's a pretty good one.

Happy New Year to everyone. Looking forward to hearing about all your lives in 2010.

Not So Bad...

2009-12-25T19:50:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all enjoyed the day with family or friends.

Happy to report that after dreading Christmas without my little girl, the last three days have not been that bad. Spent a lot of time with friends, saw a movie (Avatar: pretty good. Cool graphics) and went to a great Christmas party this afternoon.

Cool thing is, I didn't feel lonely and while I missed my little one, the three days were fine. Talked to her a couple times a day. She was SO excited to have had Santa come and is excited to have him come again to Daddy's House.

There is an upside to divorce...TWO CHRISTMAS'S!!!

So she's back with me tomorrow at noon until Monday night. We're going to open presents, build a gingerbread house, and play with our new toys! I'm excited.

I think the key is, don't try to do it alone. Enjoy the off time with friends and family and know that the little one will be back, even if it's not the actual day. Thanks for the encouragement and well wishes everyone. Enjoy the weekend!!!

Christmas Cheer, Part Deux

2009-12-24T09:08:00.014-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Christmas in New York: A Little Christmas Cheer

2009-12-23T10:25:00.014-05:00

Since so many of us are having trouble getting into the spirit this year, I thought over the next couple days I'd share some of my favorite Christmas funnies. Enjoy!

More to come tomorrow!!!!

A Lack of Balance

2009-12-21T10:51:00.003-05:00

So, that's how I feel today, only I wish the teddy bear was my little girl. Then again, if it were, I may not feel this way.

The holidays are having a disturbing effect on my this year. It's my first year without Miss M on Christmas Day, although I get her the following day for 3 days. Still, I think I'm feeling the culmination of a lot of things...

Over on Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy, BLW posted yesterday about not feeling balanced because of an inability to do things for herself. I totally relate to that. On the days I have Miss M, besides going to work, I only spend time with her. This also goes for the weekends when I have her. True, we do playdates with other parents, but there's no time for me alone. On the nights when I don't have Miss M, I make time for Hot Girl. She above anyone understands the necessity of "me" time, but I feel guilty taking it instead of spending time with her as I know she misses me. Throw work into the mix and there's very little for me.

I see a shrink every other Friday. He's been great at helping me work through the anger of my Ex's affair, given me great suggestions on how to communicate with her to get what's necessary out of the co-parenting relationship, and is helping me work on my "picker" in romantic relationships. He truly is amazing. By far the most effective therapist I've ever had. Last Friday, he suggested that my life is out of balance. I'm either all on at work, with Miss M, or with Hot Girl. No where in there is time for me to go to the gym, do significant meditation or spiritual work, or explore what I want out of life.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of this. Thing is, when I'm not with Miss M, I'm thinking about the next time I will be. Being a father to her is the most satisfying thing I've ever done, no exception. I feel stretched though and often tired. Shrink thinks I'm sad. I think he's right. About what, though, I'm not sure.

Is it possible that I'm still mourning over the loss of the marriage? Probably. Not the lose of the Ex, but maybe over the loss of what the Ex was supposed to be and represent. I'm certainly stressed about money. Times are tight. While she rarely says so, I know Hot Girl is frustrated that she is essentially the "Tuesday night and every other weekend girl." Unavoidable at this point and she understands it, but she has a valid reason to feel that way. I feel guilty even though no one has told me I should be.

Shrink suggested that I get a baby sitter on Saturdays for a couple hours when I have Miss M. That way I can go to the gym, see a friend or two, or just get some general "me" time. I'm considering it, but I know I'd be thinking about what funny thing Miss M might be saying that I'd miss or the spontaneous hugs that she runs over to give me. I get it, I really do...if I do things for myself, even a little bit, I most likely will be able to feel more whole, less tired, and to get better quality time with both Miss M and Hot Girl. So why am I hesitant to do it?

Maybe because this is the norm for me. I've been so conditioned to "do for other in order to get back" that I feel selfish taking time away. It's a catch 22, right?

What do you other single parents do to recharge your batteries and feel more whole? Balancing the child, work, significant other, and health (spiritual, physical, and emotional) is tough. For me right now, that last one is getting ignored. Suggestions welcome :)

Fun or Discipline?

2009-12-18T10:53:00.006-05:00

I'll start with this doesn't happen often. I am truly blessed the Miss M, while being a strong willed child, is at the same time mostly compliant with few tantrums. Most times if they do happen, it's because of an inconsistency between how her mother and I handle things (or the nanny) or simply because Miss M is tired. She is in that "in between" phase where she most days refuses to nap but then ends up exhausted by 5:30 or 6:00 PM. Last night was one of those nights. It was also my last night with her before she goes to her mother's for a week for the Christmas holiday.

I was feeling like I'm sure most of us do who share custody. I value every moment and want to make the best of the time I have with her. We play games, hug on the couch while we watch her favorite shows, and read books. Interactive things that make for good "Daddy and Me" time. Last night Miss M told her nanny that whe wanted to wait until Daddy got home from work so that we could eat dinner together...sweet right??!!! So I was excited to spend the evening. We made dinner which she didn't like so much. She was "all done" quickly and then began asking for donuts. Hmmm...

Now, I'm not a hard liner when it comes to having treats (her mother is). As long as she's eaten healthy during the day, a treat after dinner seems appropriate to me. There were some donut holes left that the nanny had gotten her and she knew it. Problem is, the remaining ones didn't have sprinkles on them. Miss M LOVES sprinkles. When she saw the selection, she, in her tired state, immediately began crying and jumping up and down, demanding sprinkles. She then begain demanding chocolate milk. No please, not asking nicely, but "I want!!!" in that 3 year old demanding tone, complete with teary eyes (poor baby, I knew she was just tired). I calmly explained that she wasn't asking politely (she does know how) and to please use her manners. With that, off came the Princess clip on earrings she was wearing. She flung them across the floor, ran to the couch, threw herself on it, and began to cry. Quite the little drama queen, right? That's her mother's side...

At 7:00 PM with Miss M in her jammies, it being below freezing outside, and Daddy desparately wanting quality time with her before she left this morning, I had a dilemma. Do I 1) get her dressed and walk half a block (literally 100 yards) with her to Dunkin Donuts while she drank her chocolate milk, or 2) calmly insist that she pick up the earrings she threw, apologize for the tantrum, and ask nicely for what she wants, all the while knowing that this could take a LONG time? Miss M can be quite stubborn when she's in this state.

Option 1 was SO much more attractive and the path of least resistance. I gave it serious thought. Thing is, I knew that if I did it, I'd be setting a bad precedent for later. Daddy, who's OBVIOUSLY wrapped around her little finger (and she knows it) would be set up for more trouble later. Crap! So much for fun, right?

It took a good 30 minutes to get her to pick up those earrings. The first one came at about 10 minutes. The second was much tougher. Everyone's discipline style is different. Mine is to remain calm, start with "I love you" and explain that her behavior is unacceptable and turn off TV and allow no other activities until she does what's needed. Usually that results in an on the floor crying fit to which I respond again, "I love you and I'll be right here on the couch. As soon as you do "X" we can have some fun." She is stubborn, though. It usually takes a while.

We got through it and had a nice rest of the night and fun morning. I'll see Miss a couple times for lunch before Christmas. Ex has been gracious about that (I know it pains her but I'm appreciative). In the meantime, maybe I'll go buy some sprinkles to keep around the house.

Have Yourself a Lonely Christmas...

2009-12-16T09:58:00.008-05:00

Usually I'm a pretty upbeat guy. I've learned over the past few years to focus on the positive and to be grateful for what I have, not resentful for what I don't. It's tough sometimes given the situation we single parents find ourselves in. I didn't want a failed marriage, certainly didn't want to spend time away from my daughter, and only chose to leave my marriage because I was getting no help from my Ex in trying to work things out.

Last year was the first Christmas we spent separated. Due to the custody agreement, Miss M spent Christmas with me. This year, it's my turn to sit at home. Miss M is spending Christmas with her mother and some friends on Long Island, so I won't see her from the 23rd to the 26th. I know, it could be a whole lot worse. She comes back to me the afternoon of the 26th and stays until the evening of the 28th. Really not so bad, right? Then why am I having a hard time with it?

Truth is, if money weren't an issue, I'd be a stay at home Dad. My career is good and I'm relatively successful, but as I got into my mid 30's I stopped defining myself by my career and became more concerned with the happiness of my personal life. As long as I can pay my bills, my daughter can live comfortably, and I don't hate going to work every day, my job is really just necessity, nothing more. I'd much rather be at home playing with Miss M and her Barbies, baking cookies, and digging in the sandbox. No such luck.

Being relatively new to this single parent thing, days off of work and downtime are kind of hard for me. True, I have Hot Girl to hang with and she's GREAT, but when we're together and Miss M isn't there, I feel bittersweet. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Hot Girl deserves 100% of my attention when she's there given the tremendous understanding and flexibility she gives me due to the custody schedule (we've not yet done a reintroduction). She gets it, she really does. She'll spend Christmas day through the 28th with her folks (to which I'm invited but have declined since I need to be back on the 26th). I'm ok with that and have a host of friends and invites for afternoon Christmas parties.

Still, there's that hole I'll feel: the absence of my little girl sharing her new toys with Daddy, spending the morning in our jammies drinking hot chocolate, and going outside to try out our new skates and scooter. We'll do that on the 27th, so am I being a baby? Maybe. I just know I feel a bit sad today.

How do you all cope with it? Is this feeling just a part of the deal?

Dude's Night Out

2009-12-14T09:15:00.003-05:00

I was there. If the camera had been pointing a little to the left, I'm about 20 rows up. A buddy of mine has season tickets to the NY Giants and invited me to the game last night. I went primarily because he's a good business contact and a guy I like outside of work, but have to say it was more fun than I thought it would be.

I'm not a big pro sports fan. College, well, that's another issue. It's a product of growing up in an area where there were no pro teams of any kind less than a three hour drive. In my part of the country, college sports is king. Last night though, I have to say was really fun. Most of that was being with my buddy Dave (nicknamed Captain Good Times). He's one of those guys who knows everyone within 30 feet of you in the first 5 minutes. Never a dull moment when that guy is in the vicinity.

The game was particularly important for Giants fans because it was against Philadelphia. For those of you who don't follow, Philly is geographically the closest big city to NYC, thus a huge rival, but also a division opponent. The Giants needed to win this game for playoff purposes. Needless to say, there's a lot of bad blood between the teams and fans, and the games can get pretty heated. So can things in the stands. This game had an added bonus: apparently, a Sunday night game brings out the crazies. Kids usually stay home since the game starts late, so if you're there, you're serious about being there. The fact that it was in the 30's last night and raining meant only die hards (or those like me who felt they couldn't bail on their buddies) made it out. Tons of Philly fans made the trek since they are only a 90 minute drive away. They have the reputation for being the rowdiest fans in the league. One year, they were caught on TV throwing snowballs at Santa at halftime!!! And in the old Veterens' stadium, there used to be a jail in the basement out of necessity. Unreal, right?

Most times though, it's all about fun. There was a lot of good natured talking in the stands and given that the game was close with a few lead changes, a lot to talk back and forth about. While I was having fun watching the game, I became particuarly focused on a Dad and his two sons a few rows below us. The boys couldn't have been older than 10. Dressed in their Giants jerseys, it was cool to see that the three of them were excited to be on a Dudes' Night Out up way past their bedtime on a school night (the game didn't end until almost midnight). What a great thing for those boys and their dad. It made me wonder what type of events Miss M and I will share when she's older. Not sure football will be her thing, but hey, you never know.

As the game went on and remained close, the beers in the stands continued to flow, things started getting a bit rowdy. Fans yelling back and forth in fun turned a bit more serious, a girl behind us drank too much and got sick everywhere (so gross), and the Eagles and Giants fans began throwing things at eachother, namely, their beers. Stupid right? Eight bucks a beer and you throw it at someone. Total waste if you ask me. As it got worse, I started feeling sorry for the guy with his kids: with the amount of F-bombs flying, as well as cups of beer, it was easy to see he was getting uncomfortable. A couple times he looked back as if to say "come on guys, I'm with my kids here." To no avail though not long inot the third quarter, a Philly fan stood up to celebrate a play and a Giants fan hit him with a beer from several rows away. Problem for the Dad and his boys...they were caught in between. The Philly guy and his buddies immediately started making a b-line for the Giants guys, a fight broke out and security had to be called. Of course, this made more beers fly. Crazy.

I'm no prude by any stretch but as I'm watching this I'm thinking, how do you shield your kids from this kind of thing? It got cleaned up and some of the fans got tossed out, but you could tell that Dad was rightfully pissed and the boys, while in total awe of what was going on, were a little scared. What could have been a tremendous game to watch turned out to most likely be a civility lesson for the boys instead. Early in the fourth quarter they ended up leaving early as things began to get rowdy again, missing a down to the wire finish. I felt really bad for the guy.

There are always going to be A-holes around, but most of these people around us last night probably had their own kids as well. How do you act like that and then go home to you children and tell them to behave? Maybe I'm too preachy, maybe it's that I'm over protective with my little girl, but I just wonder, what kind of example do we set for our kids (or other people's kids) with behavior like that. Look, not a huge deal and those boys have some stories to tell at school today that will make them the most popular kids in class, but if they were my boys, I'd much rather they talk about a game where there were 5 touchdowns of over 60+ yards and a ton of points than a puking drunk lady, several fights, and obnoxious grown ups throwing beers at eachother all night.

Get a grip people, the economy sucks, the world is in chaos, we need healthcare reform...this is just a football game! Maybe I'll take my kids to watch a golf tournament. Nothing controversial happens there, right???? Well, maybe not...

On the Band Wagon

2009-12-10T14:18:00.003-05:00

What the hell. Everyone else is talking about it, and I've answered enough blogs about it, so why not join the party? Tiger, like it or not, has awakened the world to the topic of marriage infidelity. Is he guilty? Obviously. Was he wrong for doing what he did? That remains unclear.

For me, infidelity in a marriage is unforgivable. I have first hand experience at this as my Ex had an affair with a married man. That affair continues to this day and to my knowledge the married man's wife does not know. She may though. I know who they are and while we don't run in the same social circle, we're only one step removed. Ex refuses to admit her infidelity during our marriage but it has been confirmed to me by two of her friends who were disgusted with her behavior and thought I should know. Should I do the same for this woman? I'm honestly not sure. For now, I choose to stay in my world where most likely I belong.

Here's the thing...in my marriage, infidelity by me or by Ex was wrong because we decided together that it was so. We discussed it and while she did grow up in France where such indiscretions are many times overlooked, we talked about it at length both prior to marriage and during and both agreed that it was off limits. Period. No concept of open marriage, no "just once is okay." Never, not once, completely unforgivable. Our reasoning for this was simple: if I respect my spouse as my life partner and best friend, crossing that line destroys every bit of trust and respect that had been built. My personal reasoning is that I wouldn't be able to do it and live with mysefl and therefore expect that same from my partner. She knew this, did it anyway, and thus, end of story and marriage. For those of you who are wondering, I can't answer the question of if it was only once would I have forgiven it because that's not the way it happened. It was over the course of several months and has continued almost two years later.

With Tiger, we don't know what kinds of boundaries were decided in his marriage. In my eyes using my morals and values, he's an A-hole and she should take him for everything he's worth. Thing is, my morals and values matter squat in this case. It is highly possible that they had an open marriage, even if it was just only Tiger who was allowed to "cheat." We'll never know.

What I can say definitively is that the carelessness with which he did what he did is astounding to me. How was this not revealed sooner? People on the Tour had to know, which implies that this is a widespread thing that is simply accepted. People with that kind of money and power many times have different standards for their behavior. I don't agree with this, but maybe that's why I'm not one of them. :)

I'm no "hitter" by any stretch, but I do work in investment banking in New York: home to the biggest (many times underserving) egos on the planet. I can tell you that I know if several (not a ton but several) instances where the husband cheats and the wife goes along because of the bankroll. Makes me want to puke and while I can't avoid doing business with many of these guys, my motto has always been "if he can't be trusted not to cheat on his wife, he can't be trusted in a business deal either." I tell this to the guys who work for me as well. Doesn't mean I don't do deals with these guys; I have to. I make sure, however, to take everything they say with a grain of salt, compromise very little and smile the whole way while I'm trying to take his shirt (without being dishonest).

My point is this: Tiger is not the only one to do this nor will he be that last. The sad thing is that he has tarnished his legacy, put a blight on the golf and the institution of marriage, and disappointed millions who wanted to believe he was a stand up family man who had his priorities straight. Whether or not he violated the vows of his marriage, however, is beteween Elin and him. No one else. Personally, I'll most likely never be able to root for the guy again. Not because he made a mistake, but because of the seeming entitlement with which he did it. The Ego is a funny thing: it can drive people to huge success and if not well managed, can drive them even faster into ruin.

For their kids' sake, I hope Tiger and Elin manage this well. They are the most unfortunate victims of this whole mess.

The Verdict...

2009-12-07T12:43:00.005-05:00

I hate to say it, but the verdict on Disney's "The Princess and the Frog" is a big thumbs down. Nevermind the racial stereotypes that are all over the place (white people are wealthy and run society, black people are stuck serving the white aristocracy, black people are less educated than white people, etc.), the movie was downright scary for any kid under that age of 10 or 12. Voodoo, ghosts, demons from hell (literally!), monsters trying to eat the main characters every other minute...the theater was filled with crying kids. After I got Miss M to calm down from the first scare, a second one came no less than 5 minutes later and she started crying "I want go home!" Poor baby. That was all I needed to hear. We left half way through. Luckily she's pretty resilient and we were close to Rockefeller Center so we went to see the big Christmas tree while we waited for the second part of the show to open: The Princess Ball.

This part was SO MUCH fun for her. Disney rented the Roseland Ballroom (around the corner from the theater) and had every princess Disney has ever created there in person for the kids to meet and get their pictures with. She was in AWE and her little mouth was wide open as she met Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, and the gang. Was very cool and we got lost of pics.

Daddy had to get in on the action as well. Some of those princesses were pretty damn cute! I'm proud to say that the cutest one in my opinion looked nothing like Barbie as I've discussed in a previous post. Pocahontas won the Hot Princess Award and it was for more than her loin cloth. Beautiful long black hair, olive skin, brown eyes...everything Barbie is not. Who knows folks, maybe I'm growing! :) I didn't ask her for the number to her teepee though. Still seeing Hot Girl so kept my admiration to myself.

After that we jumped in a cab and went to see Santa at Macy's. Again, mouth open, total awe. Being three, she "gets" Christmas now...at least, that she's going to "get" on Christmas. Every morning she wakes up and runs to the tree looking for presents! Funny.

Overall, we had a terrific week and a half together. She's really taken with my family which I'm so happy about. Her mother's family is such a mess and mostly overseas. Having my family show her how families love and support eachother is important to me. It's one of the reasons I decided to divorce her mother: I didn't want Miss M to think that what was going on in our house was how things are supposed to be.

She talked about family all week and has been asking a ton of questions. It did bring up the "why aren't Mommy and Daddy together" subject. Not directly, but at drop off at her mother's she said "Daddy stay here!" and did the same last night when her mother dropped her off. Makes me sad but I guess that's the choice we've made. Lesser of two evils for sure.

It's nice to be back in the Blogworld. Ma and Pa Big City Dad have such an old computer that it was impossible for me to post or even read emails. I'm looking forward to seeing what my cyber friends have been up to.

Back Home

2009-12-02T21:08:00.004-05:00

So, we're back from my folks. Like I thought, their 1972 computer was so slow that it was impossible for me to post or read any blogs. Was nice to have a break though.

We had a great time playing spending time with family. It makes me sad sometimes that Miss M won't grow up seeing my parents or my sister and her kids regularly. It's so much fun watching them all together and it's really obvious now the Miss M understands the difference between family and "other people." She was so comfortable with her grandparents and is completely enamored with her older cousins. They were so good with her as well. She was in awe watching my oldest nephew skateboard on the halfpipe in his driveway. Got some fantastic video of it too.

Miss M was with me the whole time and will be through the end of the week. We got tickets to the premiere of The Princess and the Frog. One of the perks of living in NYC I guess. We're seeing it tomorrow morning followed by a real live Princess Ball. Miss M is SO excited. Daddy too. I'll post a review of the movie tomorrow night.

For now, Daddy is tired. Off to bed. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Happy Turducken Day!

2009-11-25T10:29:00.009-05:00

Looks good, huh? For any of you guys and gals who watched John Madden broadcasting the Thanksgiving football games, you know what a turducken is. If you don't, boy are you in for a treat.

Turducken is a holiday masterpiece that includes a semi-boneless turkey stuffed with a deboned chicken that's stuffed with a deboned duck breast. Triple-bird-alicious. The best Turducken you'll find are those from Louisiana-based Cajun Grocer. They offer five different 15-lbs Turduckens with either cornbread stuffing, seafood kambalaya, cornbread/rice dressing, creole sausage, or plain (veggies only). They also offer 4-lbs Turducken Rolls with either cornbread or pork sausage. It's the Thanksgiving Ménage à trois of meals.

Miss M and I are going to see my folks this holiday and there's NO CHANCE Mama Big City would make one of these. We'll have fun though hanging with the whole fam, especially my two nephews and my niece, who LOVE Miss M and only live 30 minutes from my parents. They even invited us over for a sleep over! Fun!

A log of the single parent posts I've read talk about starting your own new holiday traditions post divorce. Turducken is now my new tradition. The Ex thought was disgusting (maybe, but isn't Thanksgiving all about gratitude through over indulgence??? Spoken like a true man, I know) The second weekend after Thanksgiving I won't have Miss M, so all my friends are coming over for the first annual Turducken Holiday Feast. Kind of like UFC # whatever, but with a little less blood :)

What fun new Thanksgiving ideas have you come up with as single parents? Would love to hear them!

I'll try to post while we're gone, but Mama and Papa Big City have a computer from 1972. Might be tough. If you don't hear from me, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

The Hornet's Nest...and an Apology

2009-11-24T10:37:00.010-05:00

Boy did I stir things up yesterday. My comments both here and on Singlemommyhood.com on what I felt may be a red flag in relationships for me got me in all kinds of trouble. I truly meant no offense to anyone and was just trying to give my point of view as well as that of other men I've spoken with about this subject. Still, after rereading my posts, I can see how things could be taken out of context or misinterpreted. For that, I truly apologize.

In 1984 Robert McCloskey, the author and illustrator of childrens' books including "Make Way for Ducklings", felt he had been misunderstood in some remarks he made about the Vietnam War. His response was as follows:

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant".

That my friends is how I feel today. Don't get me wrong...I love it when people disagree with me here or give me a point of view I haven't thought of. If I didn't get that, I'd never grow or learn new things. That said, I thought I'd attempt to better explain what I meant by a woman (or man) who may be in their late 30's or early 40's, never married, with no kids is a Red Flag does and does not mean to me. Here goes:

What I Did NOT Mean by Yesterday's Comments:

That women (or men) that fit this category have nothing to offer and should be considered broken and steered clear of. Everyone has something to offer. What isn't a fit for one person may be a perfect fit for another;
That I have no issues and am perfect. SO NOT TRUE. We all have them. How we deal with them makes all the difference;
That I would never date a single mother. OH MY GOD NO!!! Single mom's who are good parents (subjective but we all know the basic difference) have it all going on. They get the kid thing, they've experienced life, and they are super women in how they run their lives;
That long term relationships that didn't result in marriage don't count as significant relationships, even when that relationship has resulted in a child. Again, that would be silly. While most people who have kids have been married at some point, not all have. Those relationships count just the same;
That women who don't have kids and fit this category should have no right to consider donors or adopting to experience the magic of parenthood. Couldn't disagree with this more. As a matter of fact, my plan if I had hit 40, was single, and had no kids was to try and adopt. Not ever having been married doesn't mean I'm not qualified to be a good father. Same with prospective single mommies; and
That women or men who have been married and are divorced are better than the people who've chosen not to make the commitment for the wrong reason. NO WAY. Good for those people who didn't feel the pressure to commit when it didn't feel right. In hindsight (while I am grateful to my Ex for my daughter and don't regret that AT ALL), I should have had the courage to say "I just don't think this is right." That is a brave decision that should be respected.
That Hot Girl, having fit into this category, is more "broken" than my Ex just because my Ex has been married and is a mother. NO F' ING WAY!!! Enough said there.

What I DID Mean by My Comment:

That a person (man or woman) who has never been married nor has had a significant long term relationship in their lives by this age most likely has never made it a priority. FOR ME, that is a concern because I consider past behavior to be a decent predictor of future behavior. If someone hasn't ever committed to a person by this age (marriage or long term relationship), why would I expect them see me as any different? ;
I would (and am dating someone in this category). That doesn't mean the category itself doesn't give me pause. The key is that Hot Girl and I talk about it A LOT. We also talk about my issues, of which there are a ton.
That if a woman has put career so far out in front that family wasn't her priority by this age, she may be great for someone, but that's not what I want. Doesn't mean I think those people who do this are bad. I have several friends, especially in New York, who are like this. MY first priority over everything is family however, and I've thus want a partner who feels the same way.

What I Hadn't Thought About But Was Pointed Out To Me Are Exeptions (and with Which I Agree):

Some people may have stayed in a relationship for a long time, chosen not to get married, tried to have kids but couldn't, and then broke up. What was left is a person in their 30's or 40's never married with no kids.
A woman may have had a child outside of marriage earlier in life and has put that child as a priority (as she should). Thus, her dating life has been sparse and she now finds herself at that age having never been married nor in a long term relationship.
That someone who had "other priorities" earlier in life can change their view later and be WONDERFUL spouses and parents.
That my experience with women in this category has shaped my opinion but someone else may have a completely different experience. That is valid and worth noting.
That a better term for this "pause" when meeting someone who is in this category might be "yellow warning sign" meaning proceed cautiously, versus "red flag" which means stop and run the other way.

Again, hopefully this sheds more light on what I was trying to say, even if I didn't make myself clear initially. I do believe that anyone who is capable and who has the love to give has the right to experience the magic of parenthood, regardless of how that comes about or if they have a partner. And for those single, parents or otherwise, we all have something to offer. Committing or not is a choice, but better to alone than to commit when it's not right. What right for one isn't necessarily right for another. Hopefully, there's a "nut" for every "bolt" out there. :)

Have a great day everyone.

The "Off" Weekend & Hot Girl

2009-11-23T08:40:00.010-05:00

That's pretty much what it looks like most of the time. M was with her mother this weekend, which means Friday morning until Sunday at 5 PM. As you all know, it's a good and a bad thing. The good: Having some time to myself gives me a chance to decompress, clean up without the mess starting over immediately, see some friends, choose not to go to the gym, and go on a date or two. The bad: After about 3 hours I miss my girl and I'm ready to have her back.

I'm not much of a "planner" so I usually go into these weekends with a general outline but few specific plans. I like to take my personal life as it comes. This weekend wasn't much different. Friday night I hung with few of my boys for dinner. We went to this authentic Mexican restaurant in East Harlem. My buddy Paul grew up in Mexico so he was able to bridge the language gap for us. The conversation started off pretty normal and quickly deteriorated into dating exploits. I'll spare you the details but let's just say we were the loudest table in the place and out buddy Blain, funny as he is, may need to do some work on his volume control as well as his "concepts" of a healthy relationship with women. Enough said, right? Funny, funny guy.

Saturday day was errands, cleaning, & college football. I grew up in South Carolina right near Clemson (and my sister went there). I went to Virginia Tech, so Saturdays in the fall (unless I have M) are for football...period. Lucky for me, the woman I've been seeing (code name Hot Girl because she giggles when I call her that) LOVES college football. How lucky am I, right? We lounged, used the couch, and cheered the Hokies on to a win over NC State. Perfect "off weekend" afternoon. We then went to a pretty good barbeque place downtown with friends and ate too much. Good day, right?

So with the introduction of Hot Girl, here's the scoop: we've been seeing eachother since October of last year and used to work together at a previous job. I always thought she was cute (she really is) and that she seemed nice, but I'm not one to fish off the company pier, nor is she, and I left that job right after Ex and I got married. The week I was moving out last summer, I was in a home store looking for new single dad furniture, turned around, and there she was. We talked for about 30 minutes while my friend Stu patiently occupied himself. Hot Girl and I decided to get together for lunch a few weeks later to discuss job prospects for her as she was getting laid off in a month. No romantic aspirations whatsoever.

At lunch we didn't talk about jobs at all and she seemed TOTALLY different than her reputation. At the office she had a reputation for being standoffish and a bit high strung. Then again, as an attractive single woman working in a Wall Street firm, you better have your guard up because most of the guys are sharks. At lunch though, she was funny and sweet and we really got along. I got that "thing" in my stomach, but being separated only a few weeks, just wasn't ready to go there.

We hung out platonically a few more times until mid October when I just felt the need to have that talk. You know that one: I really like you but I'm just not ready for anything and want to be up front with you. She was completely understanding. That lasted a week! The couch was calling :) Things escalated quickly and by spring we were starting to discuss long term. We also were having occasional blow ups, mostly as it related to Ex's parenting style (or lack there of) and about how to deal with Ex. In hindsight, too much too fast. Mid summer we decided to call it off, which was disappointing for me and M. They had been introduced in late March. Hot Girl was incredible with her...everything my Ex was not.

The pressure of a new divorce wore on us and eventually wore us out. After taking a few months off, we started talking again in September. We both took responsibility for our parts in the difficult times (again, something Ex was never able to do and something that's extremely important for me). The spark was still there and we decided (after some very, very long and open discussions) to start seeing eachother again. This time though, while we're committed to seeing only eachother, we're keeping the marriage discussion out of it...for now. I've yet to reintroduce her to M simply because I want to make sure it's going to stick this time. M misses her and asks about her sometimes but I explain that Hot Girl is still our friend but can't see us right now.

Here's the rub: Hot Girl is 37, no kids, never married. Red flag? Maybe. She has her trust issues and is pretty guarded. I'm not, AT ALL and like an emotionally open relationship. The more I let her in though, the less I see those issues. And we discuss this quite a bit. I trust first and wait to be disproved. She distrusts first and SLOWLY lets people in. I want more kids and she really, really wants to be married and have kids also with the right person. I just feel that I need to take my time and make sure this is right before taking that step. Great, great girl. I'm just trying to see if I can deal with her coping style in stressful situations versus mine as well as the differences in our "spiritual" sides. We're coming from different in both aspects there, which isn't necessarily bad, but the sides may not be compatible. Yet to be determined. Other than that we line up on just about everything. Those two things, though, are HUGE for me and were missing in my marriage. I don't want to get stuck in a situation again were there's no way to discuss differences and no spiritual connection. Time will tell I guess.

For now, I have two lives with a 3 foot girlfriend half the week and a 5' 7" girlfriend the other half. We see how it goes.

Happy Monday everyone! It's a short week. :)

Daddies and their Little Girls

2009-11-19T11:28:00.014-05:00

I love that picture. Yes, that is my little girl holding Daddy's hand. We still do that a lot.

There's not much I can say I wouldn't have imagined that I would do for my daughter. I've always been really child oriented and have wanted a big family for as long as I can remember. There are certain things though, that that just never crossed my mind that have become routine. Most of them are really fun and silly, and given my stature (I'm not a small man), they must be hilarious to watch. Being a Single Daddy though, most, but not all, of them occur when it's just the two of us. For everyone's benefit (yes, I can laugh at myself) I thought I'd you a glimpse of the "non-manly" things I do for my daughter's amusement.

We love to play Princess. Thing is, Daddy is the Princess. Miss M puts the pink jeweled crown and earrings on Daddy and shrieks with joy "Daddy, you so boootiful!!!" I can thank my parents for those gifts.
Daddy can recite virtually every line in the movies "Tinkerbell," and "Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses." What man can say that???
If it will help Miss M stay in her seat while riding a crowded NY City Bus on the way to school, Daddy will sing out loud "The Wheels on the Bus" for as long as Miss M wants. Daddy has a REALLY bad singing voice and sings for no one.
Miss M has started taking ballet and tap dance and loves to practice in the living room. Of course, Daddy is required to follow along and can do a plié or get into fifth position on command. The fact that I know what those are is just scary.
Last night, Daddy gave a somersault show in the living room, just because it made us laugh. Thought I was going to throw up.
Our new favorite game: Horsie. Now, for you traditional manly men like myself, this isn't the bouncing knee game or even riding on Daddy's back like a horse (although that is a small component). Miss M has decided that Daddy is her pet horsie, to be led around the apartment and the apartment building (yes, I said building) to perform tricks and whinny on command. She LOVES this one.

I know you Daddies out there understand. What ever makes them giggle and be happy.

Any fun games that you have to share? I could always add to the arsenal.

Introductions to a Significant Other?

2009-11-18T10:00:00.005-05:00

I love that picture. And I more than identify.

As I've told you, Ex and I continue to see the Child Therapist to lay the ground rules for good co-parenting. Each session is contentious, but so far we've both taken CT's decisions to heart and have agreed to abide by the plan. That has not been easy, let me tell you. Still, we both feel that establishing healthy patterns now is better than trial and error.

That said, one of the most contentious issues that will ever come up in co-parenting is when to introduce your child to a new significant other. It is widely thought that children, especially at a young age, can become attached quickly, so the potential for another "father or mother figure" to appear, then disappear in their lives is cause for concern.

Everything I've read points to erring on the side of conservative on this one. If you're not sure, wait. Being a rules guy, however, I decided to ask CT to lay some guidelines for Ex and me to follow. Have to admit, they are pretty hardcore. CT explained that in an ideal world, this is the way to do things if you have your child's emotional best interest at heart. It means some sacrifice and compromise on your part as well as your new partner, but in the long run, CT claims that children adjust best if the following guidelines are used:

The relationship should be important with the possibility of long term; if so, 6 months of waiting is an appropriate amount of time to date before introductions;

After 6 months of dating, it is then acceptable to ask the other parent to meet your new significant other before this new person is allowed to spend ANY amount of alone time with your child. Keep in mind this meeting is out of courtesy only. You don't get a say in your Ex's dating life unless your child is in harm's way;

The title for these significant others should be as such: Special Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, etc. There is no substitute Mother or Father;

There are to be no sleep overs dates when your child is with you until the significant other has actually moved into the specific parent's apartment. (This one is aimed at us because we have 50/50 custody and have plenty of time to do sleep overs on our off time. Extreme, yes, but again, is what CT thinks is healthiest for the child);

The significant other should be "available" for a committed relationship (i.e. the relationship is monogamous; significant other is not involved with someone else in any way);

In regard to how the significant other treats your child, either parent may offer feedback for the two biological parents to work out any glitches in the relationship to the child's benefit;

It is important to note that many biological parents are jealous of new partners in an Ex's life and particularly jealous of their involvement in their child's life. There are natural emotions to be dealt with and understood (individually and never in front of the child) but not to be catered to.

Tall order, yes? For those of you who have been doing this longer than me, I'd love to hear your feedback. Again, pretty rigid rules, but I trust CT to do the right thing by Miss M, so why not follow the expert's advice. Happy dating!

Suggestions for Co-Parenting

2009-11-17T10:00:00.000-05:00

If you are embarking on the journey of divorce, have children, and have decided that you will Co-Parent together, let me be the first to congratulate you. As long as there is no history of abuse toward the kids, seeing both parents on a regular basis is healthy for them and in their best interest. Selfishly we'd all like to have our children 100% of the time (I know I would) but each parent most likely has positive traits that he or she can pass on to the children. Plus, any research you find will tell you each parent's relationship with their children is the primary way children learn to get along with each gender.

Now the hard part: if you have ANY residual feelings of anger, resentment, or sadness over the break up of your marriage, it is SO hard not to have that spill over into your co-parenting relationship. In the worst instance, the other parent's time with the children can be compromised or denied, support payments with held, or one parent may bad mouth the other to the children. Let me tell you, sometimes it's all I can do to just bite my lip and not say something when I feel I'm being provoked by my Ex. I'm sure she'd tell you the same. At times we're both unsuccessful in keeping things civil. We really struggle to get along. It doesn't help that neither of us are wilting flowers.

Recently, we decided to see a Child Psychologist. There were several issues regarding the other that we just couldn't come to agreement on, so we thought it best to have a "professional referee" in the room to give us strong guidance, with the emphasis on strong. A bit humbling to be put in your place, but as the therapist continues to remind us, she's only there for our daughter's best interest. Follow what she says and Miss M will be the big winner.

Since the Ex and I are still in the conflict phase (although thankfully we've never fought in front of my daughter since our separation), our therapist thought it best for her to establish some ground rules for Ex and me to follow in our co-parenting relationship. I thought I'd share them with my new friends:

The past is no longer relevant to current decision making and discussions. Leave the past out. Discuss only the issue of today. (man is that one hard!)

Do not insult each other in emails or in person. Vow never to insult the parent of your child. You can discuss without insults. If you have residual post marital issues to work out, save them for a safe therapy session (either joint child therapy when the child is not present, or with your individual therapist).

The Spirit of Sharing the joy of parenting your child is the guide to all discussions. Therfore, any time sharing which needs to be discussed, especially Holiday time, will be discussed understanding both parents' desire to be with their child with the goal of finding ways to make this work for everyone, especially the child.

Be respectful of the other parent. You child is watching and learning how he/she will be treated and who he/she will select for a mate.

STAY GRATEFUL on a daily basis that you are fighting for more time with your beloved child. This is a great fight (discussion) to have!

I love that last one.

I will tell you from experience that this is SO much harder than it looks. Progress not perfection though. I've stumbled way more than I care to admit, but the best thing I can do is just dust myself off and get right back in there. Miss M is the one who will benefit the most!

Our Secret Spot

2009-11-16T08:53:00.007-05:00

What a great weekend. Miss M and I had so much fun on our playdates, going to the Big Apple Circus, and just spending time together. I'm lucky in that while she's an independent little thing, she always comes in for the spontaneous hug and loves to sit in Daddy's lap while relaxing, reading, or watching TV. Lots and lots of cuddle time. Savor it while it's there, right?

It was raining a good part of the weekend in NYC, so we had to be creative in our play. We had a playdate Saturday morning and visited the playroom in our building (SO lucky to have one of those), but for the most part my little one just wanted Daddy and Me time. Who am I to argue, right?

As you saw in my last post, we are right in the middle of the Princess phase. She has more princess gowns than I can count (grandparents and her nannies are great for that), so she wears one of them almost at all times. Lately, she's started asking for a castle to go a long with her shiny princess shoes and gown. For those of you in NYC, you get the dilemma already but for those of you outside, I'll explain:

Cost of living here is RIDICULOUS. Having grown up in the South, I have pretty good perspective. For example, my sister and brother in law live in a 4 bed, 3 bath giant house in SC on over 1 acre for about 1/2 the cost of a studio apartment in Manhattan. True, you do get paid more in NYC, but not that much more. You need to learn to adjust to MUCH smaller spaces. So when my little one asked for a castle, my first thought was "Christmas!" and I began thinking of those play castles she could crawl around in and use as her little private playhouse. Problem is, I have very little play space left in our little apartment.

So, first I went old school. Remember the "forts" you made as a kid by putting two chairs back to back and throwing a sheet over them? Credit Daddy for pulling out an oldie but goodie from the deep folds of my every forgetful brain. It was fun for a bit, but 3 year old don't stop moving, climbing, and fidgeting so the sheet kept coming off. Our princess was starting to get upset. Now, Daddy is a fairly experience backpacker with a couple of good tents stashed away, so I thought, "Hmmmm...setting up one of those might be fun for her!" Again though, floorspace is at a premium and even my one man tent would take up most of our space, plus those things are NOT cheap, and I could see my monkey breaking a tent pole and Daddy having no one to blame but himself.

Then, EUREKA! I had forgetten that when she was 9 months old, her mother and I took her to the beach for a week and had bought one of those little pop up sun shelter tents for her...and that I had gotten custody of it! I set it up in front of the couch, put some pillows in it, her giant teddy bear, and VOILA! a castle fit for a princess! She was THRILLED and crawled in with her doggie and laid there giggling with excitement. I wanted to give her space though as it was her new little place, so I sat on the couch behind her as she watched Pooh Bear and sang to herself.

After a few minutes she called out "Daddy, you ok?" What a sweetie. "Yes baby girl, I'm ok. How are you?" "I ok Daddy. Daddy come here?" with her little face plastered against the mesh window facing me. An invitation from my best girl! "Of course baby, here comes Daddy!". Jumping out of my skin with excitement, I crawled into the tent. My Princess gave me a big hug and then said "Daddy, you're here! Here Daddy, you share pillow and blanket." My heart melted. There we laid there for the next hour watching Winnie the Pooh (my all time favorite) and cuddling. Every once in a while she's just look at me and giggle "Daddy!" and give me one of those spontaneous hugs. I am the luckiest man on the planet.

Everytime we get together I think "this has to be the best moment I've had with her," and then she tops it. I know there will be a ton more of these moments over the years, some of which I may sadly forget. This one, however, has now been documented and burned into my memory. I really think it was the happiest hour I've ever had. :)

Is it weird that....?

2009-11-14T16:07:00.007-05:00

Ok, I admit it. As a little boy I had a crush on Barbie. Look at her, she's hot right? I forget what her proportions would be in real life, but I do remember it's something completely ridiculous, meaning there's little chance she'd be able to walk upright. My kind of girl.

To my Mom's chagrin, ALL of my girlfriends, including the Ex, have resembled either Barbie or Jessica Rabbit. Not a brunette in sight. Not that there's ANYTHING unattractive about brunettes, redheads, black women, Asian women, or green women for that matter. I love women, have dated every type and find ALL kinds attractive. For some reason, however, I always end up with the skinny but curvy blond as the long term relationship. Obviously that's worked out really well for me, right? Might be some to be done work with my therapist on that one. Ya think? Help me dude...please?

Growing up, my parents did a pretty good job encouraging my sister and me to play with "gender neutral" things. We each had our toys but I don't remember ever being told "Don't play with that. That's a girl's toy." I swore as a parent that I would do the same. I'm all for girls being as tomboyish as they want or as girly as they want. I really didn't plan on having a pink apartment complete with pink toys, pink curtains, and little dresses everywhere. Miss M is as girly as they come. It's a rare day when we don't have a meltdown when Daddy dresses us in pants. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having a little girl. Nothing better than Daddy's Little Girl and Miss M is certainly that. I can't get out of eyesight without her hunting me down and I LOVE THAT.

Miss M is napping after a great play date this morning with her little friend Jason. First nap she's taken in I don't know how long. Little guy wore her out. All boy that one (right T?) On our way home, we stopped at the toy store to pick up a replacement Cinderella that we lost last week, and some Barbie clothes. So here I am, the little one napping, putting out her new Barbie clothes so we can play with them after her nap...and feeling kind of creepy. Sort of like when I was a little boy and had to check out Barbie naked when no one was looking. Come on guys, you KNOW you did it too. How could you not? Unless of course you were into Ken, not that there's anything wrong with that :)

After Miss M wakes up, we'll commence to dress Barbie in her new sundresses, dance around the apartment wearing princess crowns, and watch some Princess movies. Most likely Miss M will put the fancy clip on earrings on me and shriek with joy "Daddy!!! You so boootiful!!!" and I'll love every minute of it. This will be my first "date" with Barbie, however, in a very, very long time, at least, the Barbie doll that is...

Little girls rock. Barbie (of all kinds) and I, however, are going to have to come to an understanding....

Good as New :)

2009-11-13T20:13:00.004-05:00

Nothing like a couple hours with Miss M to make it all go away. Was stuck in my head most of the day but after getting some time with her it all seems trivial. We read some books, did our business on the potty (she JUST got that in the last couple weeks, so exciting!), and played marching band. LOVE that game. She grabs one of my pots and a wooden spoon, daddy gets the harmonica and a tambourine, and we march around the apartment playing to our imaginary crowd. Comes complete with a bow and an Elvis "Thankyouverymuch." Sure the neighbors love when we do that! Part of living in the big city...you get to hear all of your neighbors' business. After that we watched part of her favorite Princess movie and then off to bed. Ten minutes of meditation to top it off and Daddy feels like a new man. Thanks everyone for all the well wishes after a tough day. Tonight is what it's all about.

Ahhhhh !!!!!

2009-11-13T12:58:00.008-05:00

What a morning. I dropped Miss M off at school and then headed to the Child Therapist (CT) the Ex and I have been seeing for the last month. I had some concerns and wanted to get a neutral part involved to help us solve our issues. The Ex and I don't communicate well, especially when it comes to issuse concerning her (lack of) parenting. One of the primary reasons we got divorced but that doesn't mean the issues go away. Most things I can let go of, but there are two that I really needed help on.

1) The Ex's lack of time with Miss M when she is scheduled to have her. Ex leaves the house every morning at 5 am to go to the gym, goes to work and doesn't come home until 6 PM. Miss M either spends the day at school (2 1/2 hours) or with the nanny. Ex has also been checking Miss M into "Friday Night Pajama Parties" at her gym from 5 PM until 9 PM on the Fridays she has her after not seeing Miss M since Tuesday night. Miss M has lately begun telling me things like "Mommy go gym I cry" which break my heart. I tried speaking to Ex about this but to no avail and as usual, it only ended in a fight.

2) Ex has been dating a married man who still lives with his wife and has 9 month old twin girls. She says since it started last fall after we separated. One of her former friends told me that Ex was cheating on me with married guy, so admittedly that more than upsets me and gives me fuel, but I have to look forward not back. That's just another confirmation that I did the right thing by leaving her. She still denies it to this day. What upsets me is that Ex has introduced married guy to my daughter as her "boyfriend." I've addressed this with my lawyer and there's not much I can do legally. I've contemplated approaching married guy and simply stating that whatever he does with Ex is his business, but if I hear of him going near my daughter, I'm going straight to his wife and business partners (Ex was a patient of his while we were married. Complete breach of ethics for a doctor). After talking to virtually everyone sensible I can think of, I've decided to take the high road and have CT address this issue.

Nothing stresses me out more than being around that woman and having to discuss things that are potentially contentious. I've never met a person in my life who can get me more turned around in an argument than her. Keep in mind that I've worked in finance on Wall Street for 10 years and have negotiated deals with schmutzy lawyers worth more than the GDP of some small countries with no problem whatsoever. No emotion tied to those though, so I guess it makes sense that I have a hard time here. We start out talking about the issue at hand and end up six tangents to the left, I'm completely confused and frustrated, and all I can do is bite my lip to keep from screaming and running out the door. Having a referee in the room helps HUGE but it is still a very painful experience.

Bottom line, CT has made great progress on both issues and at least for now, has told Ex that she must spend time with Miss M in the mornings and on Friday nights and if she doesn't, Miss M should be with me. Ex was visibly upset by this but agreed to this and some time during the days as make up if she can't. Second, married "partners" are inappropriate to introduce to your child at any point and this should stop immediately. CT worded it much more eloquently but Ex agreed (and hopefully isn't lying which is always an issue). We'll see how that goes.

With that, my two biggest battles have been won. Ex had some complaints of her own a)that she thinks I put Miss M to be too late (8:00 pm instead of 7:30) and b) that Miss M has told her on occasion that "Daddy mean." The first one, whatever. If I get a bit of peace with Ex by putting Miss M to bed 30 minutes earlier so be it. Small price to pay. For the second, I explained that yes, sometimes Miss M does call Daddy mean:

"Daddy, want popcicles for breakfast!"

"No baby, popsicles are dessert for after lunch or dinner. Not for breakfast"

After throwing herself on the floor: "Daddy mean!!!"

And numerous other like scenarios. Those of you with kids older than 2 can relate I'm sure. CT explained that this unanimous among kids that age once they learn the word "mean" and also asked me if Miss M has said before that "Mommy mean" which she has. Regardless, it becomes tit for tat there but at least the issues that are really important for my daughter's well being have been addressed by a highly reputable child psychologist. Ex has yet to agree to leave Miss M with me on occasions when she will not be with Miss M but we're working toward it. Somehow she fails to see how that's in Miss M's best interest. Keep in mind that we live in Manhattan and are only 20 blocks apart (1 mile). It's a 3 minute cab ride.

When we were married I felt like I had two toddlers (although the true toddler was much more pleasant). Now I have two part time toddlers...

Going to need a lot of meditation tonight. Another round starting Tuesday morning.

Looking forward, Miss M and I have a fun weekend planned! Playdate with our friend Jason Saturday, our friend Ava Sunday, and then, THE CIRCUS!!!! Yes, Manhattan is one of those weird places where you have "playdates" prearranged by the parents. Where I grew up, I walked out of the house barefoot, knocked on the neighbor kid's door and asked, "Can Charlie come out and play?" New York is unnatural on lots of levels but for now it is home.

Crappy weather in NYC this weekend but we'll make the best of it. The apartment will be covered with paint and crayon by the time we're done.

Conversations with the Princess

2009-11-12T09:42:00.004-05:00

First, I'd like to apologize to everyone who had trouble with my blog yesterday. I'm still tinkering with the format so it was up and down at times. I picked my host, blogspot, for the only reason that it came up first when I did my search. Being totally inexperienced at this, it seemed good enough to me so I went with it. Little did I know that some of you (QT ???) think b-spot SUX! Alas, unless any major issues come up, I'm here to stay. I hope you can endure the truly painful experience of dealing with my format. :-)

On to the business of the day. Since this blog is about my experience as a single daddy with Miss M, I thought it would be good to give you a sample of our every day conversations (both with and about Miss M) so that you can get a good idea of her amazingly HUGE personality:

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#1: Daddy with one of Miss M's daycare teachers on during my 1st pick up:

BCD: "Hi, I'm ****. I'm here to pick up my daughter."

Cutie Teacher: "Nice to meet you. Which one is yours?"

BCD: " *****. I think she's wearing a pink dress today" (is there any other kind?)

Cutie Teacher: "Oh! The crazy one! We LOVE her! Boy does she make class fun!"

I'm in for a lot of parent teacher conferences....

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#2: Nicknames - I have many nicknames for Miss M. She's apparently partial to some:

BCD: "Come on Sweet Pea, it's time to go to school."

Miss M (picture furrowed brow, very serious face): "Daddy, I not Sweet Pea. I Boo Boo Head!"

Well, excuse me.

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#3 Middle of the Night Negotiation - Miss M frequently shows up at my bedside in the middle of the night wanting to crawl in. I usually acquiesce being too lazy to go through the late night negotiation. This night, however, was right after her birthday and took some special thinking on her part...

Miss M (bedside with Doggie after softly stroking Daddy's hair until he wakes up): "Happy birthday Daddy! I Love You."

Think she got in my bed that night? Enough said, right?

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#4: Dinner Menu - It's always an adventure

BCD: "Boo Boo, do you want hot dogs and ketchup for dinner?" (her favorite)

Miss M: "Nooooo"

BCD: "Do you want dinosour chicken?" (Perdue baked breaded dinosour shapes, awesome.)

Miss M: "Nooooo"

BCD: "Do you want hamburgers and green beans?"

Miss M: "Nooooo"

BCD (running out of quick options): "Well baby, what do you want for dinner?"

Miss M: "I want OCTOPUS!"

We had just been to the NY Acquarium the weekend before...

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#5: I LOVE THIS ONE - On her birthday

BCD: "Boo Boo, how old are you today?"

Miss M (picture chubby little fingers doing their best): "I tree! How old Daddy?"

BCD: "How old do you think Daddy is?"

Miss M (pensive): "Hmmmm....Daddy five! How old Mommy?"

BCD (holding back a multitude of smarmy thoughts): "How old do you think Mommy is?"

Miss M (furrowed brow, then hugely excited): "Mmmmmm....Mommy OLD!!!"

I love her :)

I LOVE WEDNESDAYS!!!!

2009-11-11T10:06:00.006-05:00

Yes, it's my favorite day of the week. Not Saturday, not Friday, and certainly not Monday. You see, Wednesday is the day I get Miss M back after not seeing her or a couple days. Her mother's nanny (not her mother, but we'll let that one go) brings her to me at 8 AM and we spend an hour or so in the morning cuddling, playing with Barbies, doing the princess thing (yes, I wear the crown), or watching tv while eating breakfast. That hug, when she first jumps into my arms is the best thing I get all week. Doesn't matter what is going on in my life, that one HUGE hug and "Hi Daddy!!!" makes it all melt away.

The Ex and I have a pretty good custody schedule if I do say so myself. Then again, I'm the one who drew it up. Funny how that works. Here it is:

Monday & Tuesday - With the Ex

Wednesday & Thursday - With Daddy

Weekends - Alternate

Sunday nights - to the parent who didn't have the weekend

Having that alternating Sunday night is key. That way I never go more than 2 days without seeing her. During the very contentious early days, that was huge because we angry parents had trouble looking past our own stuff to allow some access on "not your days." Right now we're past that. Hope we keep that up.

This is my weekend so I have her from this morning through Sunday night! I LOVE THIS LONG STRETCH WITH HER!!! We have lots of plans: A Friday night dinner date (we sit at the counter at the local diner and try to talk Daddy and the man in to letting us have chocolate cake for dinner), Saturday a playdate with Gabriel and the gang at the playground behind our building, this Sunday...the Big Apple Circus at Lincoln Center!!! I may be more excited than her.

What is everyone else up to this weekend???

In The Beginning...

2009-11-10T12:37:00.008-05:00

And the blogging begins...

Here they are. Man and woman starting out on life's adventure together. Hope springs eternal, plans are made, excitement and fun are their future. At least, that was the plan...

After four years of marriage, a BEAUTIFUL baby girl (Miss M), and a ton of marriage counseling, endless arguing, painful misunderstanding, and continual hurt feelings, our dreams diverged. We realized that no longer could we try to fit a square peg in a round hole. We were VERY different parents & partners who view(ed) family in incompatible ways that just couldn't be resolved. Everyone has their way of looking at life and that has to be respected (unless it's harmful to others), but sometimes different points of view just can't coexist.

You'll learn from my postings over time that time with family is my number one priority. It's how I was raised and I don't know any different. Give me the winning lottery ticket or more time with Miss M, I'll take my little one every time. My Ex, however, views family as important, but values her freedom and individuality above all. Given her childhood, which I won't go into, I understand why but that didn't change the fact that I was spending evenings and weekends alone with my daughter. A single daddy even before divorce. Love Miss M as I may, I longed for the togetherness of all three of us. The battle ensued and while there was some compromise, it became apparent over time that neither of us willing to compromise to the point that would make the other comfortable. With anger, resentment, some sadness, and lots of fear, I set in motion the wheels of divorce.

Now a year later, with more ugly battles under my belt than I care to admit, I've come to the realization that this is my life. It can be a battle of frustration and wills, lasting pain and anger, tit for tat, or it can become something more: a lesson for spiritual growth and acceptance, forgiveness (but not necessarily approval), and an opportunity to create the family dynamic I've always wanted, even if it's just Miss M and me. The blogs of some of you other single parents have helped me get there for which I'm immensely grateful.

In reading this, maybe you've been through this process and are thinking "Great! That's the place my life changed. Good for you!!!" Or maybe you're just starting this process and thinking "How in the world do I forgive that a-hole I divorced for all the things they did to me and for ruining my dream?" I will tell you that I vacilate between the two every day. It takes WORK EVERY DAY. Every morning I have to reset my head through prayer and meditation. I now realize that I have a choice in life and I'm much more comfortable in my skin when I focus on MY stuff, I keep MY side of the street clean, and I do my best to create MY version of the life I want both when I have and when I don't have Miss M. Notice in that sentence that there's no mention of HER (the EX). Regardless of my desire for her to have been a) a more attentive mother b) faithful to me during our marriage c) a person with conflict resolution skills that I understand, and d) a person who can accept responsibility for her own actions without blaming others, those things are COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL. I couldn't control those things while we were married so what makes me think I can do it now?

None of this means that I agree with how the Ex lives her life, many of the decisions she makes both with and without regard to Miss M, or that I wouldn't make things different IF I could. But I can't. So if I focus on the good I have now, I know I'll view those past problems (or any future ones) as bumps in the road, not mountains.

So here's the question of the day for all of us: What have I done today to help me work toward fogiving the past and living in the present? It's a goal to strive for in the marathon of life, right? You will surly hear me have bad days here, but if I can't share it with the people who understand this the most, where can I share it with right? We're in it together.