Introductions to a Significant Other?

I love that picture. And I more than identify.


As I've told you, Ex and I continue to see the Child Therapist to lay the ground rules for good co-parenting. Each session is contentious, but so far we've both taken CT's decisions to heart and have agreed to abide by the plan. That has not been easy, let me tell you. Still, we both feel that establishing healthy patterns now is better than trial and error.


That said, one of the most contentious issues that will ever come up in co-parenting is when to introduce your child to a new significant other. It is widely thought that children, especially at a young age, can become attached quickly, so the potential for another "father or mother figure" to appear, then disappear in their lives is cause for concern.

Everything I've read points to erring on the side of conservative on this one. If you're not sure, wait. Being a rules guy, however, I decided to ask CT to lay some guidelines for Ex and me to follow. Have to admit, they are pretty hardcore. CT explained that in an ideal world, this is the way to do things if you have your child's emotional best interest at heart. It means some sacrifice and compromise on your part as well as your new partner, but in the long run, CT claims that children adjust best if the following guidelines are used:

1. The relationship should be important with the possibility of long term; if so, 6 months of waiting is an appropriate amount of time to date before introductions;
   


2. After 6 months of dating, it is then acceptable to ask the other parent to meet your new significant other before this new person is allowed to spend ANY amount of alone time with your child. Keep in mind this meeting is out of courtesy only. You don't get a say in your Ex's dating life unless your child is in harm's way;
   


3. The title for these significant others should be as such: Special Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, etc. There is no substitute Mother or Father;
   


4. There are to be no sleep overs dates when your child is with you until the significant other has actually moved into the specific parent's apartment. (This one is aimed at us because we have 50/50 custody and have plenty of time to do sleep overs on our off time. Extreme, yes, but again, is what CT thinks is healthiest for the child);
   


5. The significant other should be "available" for a committed relationship (i.e. the relationship is monogamous; significant other is not involved with someone else in any way);
   


6. In regard to how the significant other treats your child, either parent may offer feedback for the two biological parents to work out any glitches in the relationship to the child's benefit;
   


7. It is important to note that many biological parents are jealous of new partners in an Ex's life and particularly jealous of their involvement in their child's life. There are natural emotions to be dealt with and understood (individually and never in front of the child) but not to be catered to.

Tall order, yes? For those of you who have been doing this longer than me, I'd love to hear your feedback. Again, pretty rigid rules, but I trust CT to do the right thing by Miss M, so why not follow the expert's advice. Happy dating!

Is it weird that....?

Ok, I admit it. As a little boy I had a crush on Barbie. Look at her, she's hot right? I forget what her proportions would be in real life, but I do remember it's something completely ridiculous, meaning there's little chance she'd be able to walk upright. My kind of girl.

To my Mom's chagrin, ALL of my girlfriends, including the Ex, have resembled either Barbie or Jessica Rabbit. Not a brunette in sight. Not that there's ANYTHING unattractive about brunettes, redheads, black women, Asian women, or green women for that matter. I love women, have dated every type and find ALL kinds attractive. For some reason, however, I always end up with the skinny but curvy blond as the long term relationship. Obviously that's worked out really well for me, right? Might be some to be done work with my therapist on that one. Ya think? Help me dude...please?

Growing up, my parents did a pretty good job encouraging my sister and me to play with "gender neutral" things. We each had our toys but I don't remember ever being told "Don't play with that. That's a girl's toy." I swore as a parent that I would do the same. I'm all for girls being as tomboyish as they want or as girly as they want. I really didn't plan on having a pink apartment complete with pink toys, pink curtains, and little dresses everywhere. Miss M is as girly as they come. It's a rare day when we don't have a meltdown when Daddy dresses us in pants. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having a little girl. Nothing better than Daddy's Little Girl and Miss M is certainly that. I can't get out of eyesight without her hunting me down and I LOVE THAT.

Miss M is napping after a great play date this morning with her little friend Jason. First nap she's taken in I don't know how long. Little guy wore her out. All boy that one (right T?) On our way home, we stopped at the toy store to pick up a replacement Cinderella that we lost last week, and some Barbie clothes. So here I am, the little one napping, putting out her new Barbie clothes so we can play with them after her nap...and feeling kind of creepy. Sort of like when I was a little boy and had to check out Barbie naked when no one was looking. Come on guys, you KNOW you did it too. How could you not? Unless of course you were into Ken, not that there's anything wrong with that :)

After Miss M wakes up, we'll commence to dress Barbie in her new sundresses, dance around the apartment wearing princess crowns, and watch some Princess movies. Most likely Miss M will put the fancy clip on earrings on me and shriek with joy "Daddy!!! You so boootiful!!!" and I'll love every minute of it. This will be my first "date" with Barbie, however, in a very, very long time, at least, the Barbie doll that is...

Little girls rock. Barbie (of all kinds) and I, however, are going to have to come to an understanding....

Ahhhhh !!!!!

What a morning. I dropped Miss M off at school and then headed to the Child Therapist (CT) the Ex and I have been seeing for the last month. I had some concerns and wanted to get a neutral part involved to help us solve our issues. The Ex and I don't communicate well, especially when it comes to issuse concerning her (lack of) parenting. One of the primary reasons we got divorced but that doesn't mean the issues go away. Most things I can let go of, but there are two that I really needed help on.

1) The Ex's lack of time with Miss M when she is scheduled to have her. Ex leaves the house every morning at 5 am to go to the gym, goes to work and doesn't come home until 6 PM. Miss M either spends the day at school (2 1/2 hours) or with the nanny. Ex has also been checking Miss M into "Friday Night Pajama Parties" at her gym from 5 PM until 9 PM on the Fridays she has her after not seeing Miss M since Tuesday night. Miss M has lately begun telling me things like "Mommy go gym I cry" which break my heart. I tried speaking to Ex about this but to no avail and as usual, it only ended in a fight.

2) Ex has been dating a married man who still lives with his wife and has 9 month old twin girls. She says since it started last fall after we separated. One of her former friends told me that Ex was cheating on me with married guy, so admittedly that more than upsets me and gives me fuel, but I have to look forward not back. That's just another confirmation that I did the right thing by leaving her. She still denies it to this day. What upsets me is that Ex has introduced married guy to my daughter as her "boyfriend." I've addressed this with my lawyer and there's not much I can do legally. I've contemplated approaching married guy and simply stating that whatever he does with Ex is his business, but if I hear of him going near my daughter, I'm going straight to his wife and business partners (Ex was a patient of his while we were married. Complete breach of ethics for a doctor). After talking to virtually everyone sensible I can think of, I've decided to take the high road and have CT address this issue.

Nothing stresses me out more than being around that woman and having to discuss things that are potentially contentious. I've never met a person in my life who can get me more turned around in an argument than her. Keep in mind that I've worked in finance on Wall Street for 10 years and have negotiated deals with schmutzy lawyers worth more than the GDP of some small countries with no problem whatsoever. No emotion tied to those though, so I guess it makes sense that I have a hard time here. We start out talking about the issue at hand and end up six tangents to the left, I'm completely confused and frustrated, and all I can do is bite my lip to keep from screaming and running out the door. Having a referee in the room helps HUGE but it is still a very painful experience.

Bottom line, CT has made great progress on both issues and at least for now, has told Ex that she must spend time with Miss M in the mornings and on Friday nights and if she doesn't, Miss M should be with me. Ex was visibly upset by this but agreed to this and some time during the days as make up if she can't. Second, married "partners" are inappropriate to introduce to your child at any point and this should stop immediately. CT worded it much more eloquently but Ex agreed (and hopefully isn't lying which is always an issue). We'll see how that goes.

With that, my two biggest battles have been won. Ex had some complaints of her own a)that she thinks I put Miss M to be too late (8:00 pm instead of 7:30) and b) that Miss M has told her on occasion that "Daddy mean." The first one, whatever. If I get a bit of peace with Ex by putting Miss M to bed 30 minutes earlier so be it. Small price to pay. For the second, I explained that yes, sometimes Miss M does call Daddy mean:

"Daddy, want popcicles for breakfast!"

"No baby, popsicles are dessert for after lunch or dinner. Not for breakfast"

After throwing herself on the floor: "Daddy mean!!!"

And numerous other like scenarios. Those of you with kids older than 2 can relate I'm sure. CT explained that this unanimous among kids that age once they learn the word "mean" and also asked me if Miss M has said before that "Mommy mean" which she has. Regardless, it becomes tit for tat there but at least the issues that are really important for my daughter's well being have been addressed by a highly reputable child psychologist. Ex has yet to agree to leave Miss M with me on occasions when she will not be with Miss M but we're working toward it. Somehow she fails to see how that's in Miss M's best interest. Keep in mind that we live in Manhattan and are only 20 blocks apart (1 mile). It's a 3 minute cab ride.

When we were married I felt like I had two toddlers (although the true toddler was much more pleasant). Now I have two part time toddlers...

Going to need a lot of meditation tonight. Another round starting Tuesday morning.

Looking forward, Miss M and I have a fun weekend planned! Playdate with our friend Jason Saturday, our friend Ava Sunday, and then, THE CIRCUS!!!! Yes, Manhattan is one of those weird places where you have "playdates" prearranged by the parents. Where I grew up, I walked out of the house barefoot, knocked on the neighbor kid's door and asked, "Can Charlie come out and play?" New York is unnatural on lots of levels but for now it is home.

Crappy weather in NYC this weekend but we'll make the best of it. The apartment will be covered with paint and crayon by the time we're done.