The Verdict...

I hate to say it, but the verdict on Disney's "The Princess and the Frog" is a big thumbs down. Nevermind the racial stereotypes that are all over the place (white people are wealthy and run society, black people are stuck serving the white aristocracy, black people are less educated than white people, etc.), the movie was downright scary for any kid under that age of 10 or 12. Voodoo, ghosts, demons from hell (literally!), monsters trying to eat the main characters every other minute...the theater was filled with crying kids. After I got Miss M to calm down from the first scare, a second one came no less than 5 minutes later and she started crying "I want go home!" Poor baby. That was all I needed to hear. We left half way through. Luckily she's pretty resilient and we were close to Rockefeller Center so we went to see the big Christmas tree while we waited for the second part of the show to open: The Princess Ball.

This part was SO MUCH fun for her. Disney rented the Roseland Ballroom (around the corner from the theater) and had every princess Disney has ever created there in person for the kids to meet and get their pictures with. She was in AWE and her little mouth was wide open as she met Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, and the gang. Was very cool and we got lost of pics.

Daddy had to get in on the action as well. Some of those princesses were pretty damn cute! I'm proud to say that the cutest one in my opinion looked nothing like Barbie as I've discussed in a previous post. Pocahontas won the Hot Princess Award and it was for more than her loin cloth. Beautiful long black hair, olive skin, brown eyes...everything Barbie is not. Who knows folks, maybe I'm growing! :) I didn't ask her for the number to her teepee though. Still seeing Hot Girl so kept my admiration to myself.

After that we jumped in a cab and went to see Santa at Macy's. Again, mouth open, total awe. Being three, she "gets" Christmas now...at least, that she's going to "get" on Christmas. Every morning she wakes up and runs to the tree looking for presents! Funny.

Overall, we had a terrific week and a half together. She's really taken with my family which I'm so happy about. Her mother's family is such a mess and mostly overseas. Having my family show her how families love and support eachother is important to me. It's one of the reasons I decided to divorce her mother: I didn't want Miss M to think that what was going on in our house was how things are supposed to be.

She talked about family all week and has been asking a ton of questions. It did bring up the "why aren't Mommy and Daddy together" subject. Not directly, but at drop off at her mother's she said "Daddy stay here!" and did the same last night when her mother dropped her off. Makes me sad but I guess that's the choice we've made. Lesser of two evils for sure.

It's nice to be back in the Blogworld. Ma and Pa Big City Dad have such an old computer that it was impossible for me to post or even read emails. I'm looking forward to seeing what my cyber friends have been up to.

Ahhhhh !!!!!

What a morning. I dropped Miss M off at school and then headed to the Child Therapist (CT) the Ex and I have been seeing for the last month. I had some concerns and wanted to get a neutral part involved to help us solve our issues. The Ex and I don't communicate well, especially when it comes to issuse concerning her (lack of) parenting. One of the primary reasons we got divorced but that doesn't mean the issues go away. Most things I can let go of, but there are two that I really needed help on.

1) The Ex's lack of time with Miss M when she is scheduled to have her. Ex leaves the house every morning at 5 am to go to the gym, goes to work and doesn't come home until 6 PM. Miss M either spends the day at school (2 1/2 hours) or with the nanny. Ex has also been checking Miss M into "Friday Night Pajama Parties" at her gym from 5 PM until 9 PM on the Fridays she has her after not seeing Miss M since Tuesday night. Miss M has lately begun telling me things like "Mommy go gym I cry" which break my heart. I tried speaking to Ex about this but to no avail and as usual, it only ended in a fight.

2) Ex has been dating a married man who still lives with his wife and has 9 month old twin girls. She says since it started last fall after we separated. One of her former friends told me that Ex was cheating on me with married guy, so admittedly that more than upsets me and gives me fuel, but I have to look forward not back. That's just another confirmation that I did the right thing by leaving her. She still denies it to this day. What upsets me is that Ex has introduced married guy to my daughter as her "boyfriend." I've addressed this with my lawyer and there's not much I can do legally. I've contemplated approaching married guy and simply stating that whatever he does with Ex is his business, but if I hear of him going near my daughter, I'm going straight to his wife and business partners (Ex was a patient of his while we were married. Complete breach of ethics for a doctor). After talking to virtually everyone sensible I can think of, I've decided to take the high road and have CT address this issue.

Nothing stresses me out more than being around that woman and having to discuss things that are potentially contentious. I've never met a person in my life who can get me more turned around in an argument than her. Keep in mind that I've worked in finance on Wall Street for 10 years and have negotiated deals with schmutzy lawyers worth more than the GDP of some small countries with no problem whatsoever. No emotion tied to those though, so I guess it makes sense that I have a hard time here. We start out talking about the issue at hand and end up six tangents to the left, I'm completely confused and frustrated, and all I can do is bite my lip to keep from screaming and running out the door. Having a referee in the room helps HUGE but it is still a very painful experience.

Bottom line, CT has made great progress on both issues and at least for now, has told Ex that she must spend time with Miss M in the mornings and on Friday nights and if she doesn't, Miss M should be with me. Ex was visibly upset by this but agreed to this and some time during the days as make up if she can't. Second, married "partners" are inappropriate to introduce to your child at any point and this should stop immediately. CT worded it much more eloquently but Ex agreed (and hopefully isn't lying which is always an issue). We'll see how that goes.

With that, my two biggest battles have been won. Ex had some complaints of her own a)that she thinks I put Miss M to be too late (8:00 pm instead of 7:30) and b) that Miss M has told her on occasion that "Daddy mean." The first one, whatever. If I get a bit of peace with Ex by putting Miss M to bed 30 minutes earlier so be it. Small price to pay. For the second, I explained that yes, sometimes Miss M does call Daddy mean:

"Daddy, want popcicles for breakfast!"

"No baby, popsicles are dessert for after lunch or dinner. Not for breakfast"

After throwing herself on the floor: "Daddy mean!!!"

And numerous other like scenarios. Those of you with kids older than 2 can relate I'm sure. CT explained that this unanimous among kids that age once they learn the word "mean" and also asked me if Miss M has said before that "Mommy mean" which she has. Regardless, it becomes tit for tat there but at least the issues that are really important for my daughter's well being have been addressed by a highly reputable child psychologist. Ex has yet to agree to leave Miss M with me on occasions when she will not be with Miss M but we're working toward it. Somehow she fails to see how that's in Miss M's best interest. Keep in mind that we live in Manhattan and are only 20 blocks apart (1 mile). It's a 3 minute cab ride.

When we were married I felt like I had two toddlers (although the true toddler was much more pleasant). Now I have two part time toddlers...

Going to need a lot of meditation tonight. Another round starting Tuesday morning.

Looking forward, Miss M and I have a fun weekend planned! Playdate with our friend Jason Saturday, our friend Ava Sunday, and then, THE CIRCUS!!!! Yes, Manhattan is one of those weird places where you have "playdates" prearranged by the parents. Where I grew up, I walked out of the house barefoot, knocked on the neighbor kid's door and asked, "Can Charlie come out and play?" New York is unnatural on lots of levels but for now it is home.

Crappy weather in NYC this weekend but we'll make the best of it. The apartment will be covered with paint and crayon by the time we're done.

Conversations with the Princess

First, I'd like to apologize to everyone who had trouble with my blog yesterday. I'm still tinkering with the format so it was up and down at times. I picked my host, blogspot, for the only reason that it came up first when I did my search. Being totally inexperienced at this, it seemed good enough to me so I went with it. Little did I know that some of you (QT ???) think b-spot SUX! Alas, unless any major issues come up, I'm here to stay. I hope you can endure the truly painful experience of dealing with my format. :-)

On to the business of the day. Since this blog is about my experience as a single daddy with Miss M, I thought it would be good to give you a sample of our every day conversations (both with and about Miss M) so that you can get a good idea of her amazingly HUGE personality:

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#1: Daddy with one of Miss M's daycare teachers on during my 1st pick up:

BCD: "Hi, I'm ****. I'm here to pick up my daughter."

Cutie Teacher: "Nice to meet you. Which one is yours?"

BCD: " *****. I think she's wearing a pink dress today" (is there any other kind?)

Cutie Teacher: "Oh! The crazy one! We LOVE her! Boy does she make class fun!"

I'm in for a lot of parent teacher conferences....

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#2: Nicknames - I have many nicknames for Miss M. She's apparently partial to some:

BCD: "Come on Sweet Pea, it's time to go to school."

Miss M (picture furrowed brow, very serious face): "Daddy, I not Sweet Pea. I Boo Boo Head!"

Well, excuse me.

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#3 Middle of the Night Negotiation - Miss M frequently shows up at my bedside in the middle of the night wanting to crawl in. I usually acquiesce being too lazy to go through the late night negotiation. This night, however, was right after her birthday and took some special thinking on her part...

Miss M (bedside with Doggie after softly stroking Daddy's hair until he wakes up): "Happy birthday Daddy! I Love You."

Think she got in my bed that night? Enough said, right?

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#4: Dinner Menu - It's always an adventure

BCD: "Boo Boo, do you want hot dogs and ketchup for dinner?" (her favorite)

Miss M: "Nooooo"

BCD: "Do you want dinosour chicken?" (Perdue baked breaded dinosour shapes, awesome.)

Miss M: "Nooooo"

BCD: "Do you want hamburgers and green beans?"

Miss M: "Nooooo"

BCD (running out of quick options): "Well baby, what do you want for dinner?"

Miss M: "I want OCTOPUS!"

We had just been to the NY Acquarium the weekend before...

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#5: I LOVE THIS ONE - On her birthday

BCD: "Boo Boo, how old are you today?"

Miss M (picture chubby little fingers doing their best): "I tree! How old Daddy?"

BCD: "How old do you think Daddy is?"

Miss M (pensive): "Hmmmm....Daddy five! How old Mommy?"

BCD (holding back a multitude of smarmy thoughts): "How old do you think Mommy is?"

Miss M (furrowed brow, then hugely excited): "Mmmmmm....Mommy OLD!!!"

I love her :)

In The Beginning...

And the blogging begins...

Here they are. Man and woman starting out on life's adventure together. Hope springs eternal, plans are made, excitement and fun are their future. At least, that was the plan...

After four years of marriage, a BEAUTIFUL baby girl (Miss M), and a ton of marriage counseling, endless arguing, painful misunderstanding, and continual hurt feelings, our dreams diverged. We realized that no longer could we try to fit a square peg in a round hole. We were VERY different parents & partners who view(ed) family in incompatible ways that just couldn't be resolved. Everyone has their way of looking at life and that has to be respected (unless it's harmful to others), but sometimes different points of view just can't coexist.

You'll learn from my postings over time that time with family is my number one priority. It's how I was raised and I don't know any different. Give me the winning lottery ticket or more time with Miss M, I'll take my little one every time. My Ex, however, views family as important, but values her freedom and individuality above all. Given her childhood, which I won't go into, I understand why but that didn't change the fact that I was spending evenings and weekends alone with my daughter. A single daddy even before divorce. Love Miss M as I may, I longed for the togetherness of all three of us. The battle ensued and while there was some compromise, it became apparent over time that neither of us willing to compromise to the point that would make the other comfortable. With anger, resentment, some sadness, and lots of fear, I set in motion the wheels of divorce.

Now a year later, with more ugly battles under my belt than I care to admit, I've come to the realization that this is my life. It can be a battle of frustration and wills, lasting pain and anger, tit for tat, or it can become something more: a lesson for spiritual growth and acceptance, forgiveness (but not necessarily approval), and an opportunity to create the family dynamic I've always wanted, even if it's just Miss M and me. The blogs of some of you other single parents have helped me get there for which I'm immensely grateful.

In reading this, maybe you've been through this process and are thinking "Great! That's the place my life changed. Good for you!!!" Or maybe you're just starting this process and thinking "How in the world do I forgive that a-hole I divorced for all the things they did to me and for ruining my dream?" I will tell you that I vacilate between the two every day. It takes WORK EVERY DAY. Every morning I have to reset my head through prayer and meditation. I now realize that I have a choice in life and I'm much more comfortable in my skin when I focus on MY stuff, I keep MY side of the street clean, and I do my best to create MY version of the life I want both when I have and when I don't have Miss M. Notice in that sentence that there's no mention of HER (the EX). Regardless of my desire for her to have been a) a more attentive mother b) faithful to me during our marriage c) a person with conflict resolution skills that I understand, and d) a person who can accept responsibility for her own actions without blaming others, those things are COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL. I couldn't control those things while we were married so what makes me think I can do it now?

None of this means that I agree with how the Ex lives her life, many of the decisions she makes both with and without regard to Miss M, or that I wouldn't make things different IF I could. But I can't. So if I focus on the good I have now, I know I'll view those past problems (or any future ones) as bumps in the road, not mountains.

So here's the question of the day for all of us: What have I done today to help me work toward fogiving the past and living in the present? It's a goal to strive for in the marathon of life, right? You will surly hear me have bad days here, but if I can't share it with the people who understand this the most, where can I share it with right? We're in it together.