On the Band Wagon

What the hell. Everyone else is talking about it, and I've answered enough blogs about it, so why not join the party? Tiger, like it or not, has awakened the world to the topic of marriage infidelity. Is he guilty? Obviously. Was he wrong for doing what he did? That remains unclear.

For me, infidelity in a marriage is unforgivable. I have first hand experience at this as my Ex had an affair with a married man. That affair continues to this day and to my knowledge the married man's wife does not know. She may though. I know who they are and while we don't run in the same social circle, we're only one step removed. Ex refuses to admit her infidelity during our marriage but it has been confirmed to me by two of her friends who were disgusted with her behavior and thought I should know. Should I do the same for this woman? I'm honestly not sure. For now, I choose to stay in my world where most likely I belong.

Here's the thing...in my marriage, infidelity by me or by Ex was wrong because we decided together that it was so. We discussed it and while she did grow up in France where such indiscretions are many times overlooked, we talked about it at length both prior to marriage and during and both agreed that it was off limits. Period. No concept of open marriage, no "just once is okay." Never, not once, completely unforgivable. Our reasoning for this was simple: if I respect my spouse as my life partner and best friend, crossing that line destroys every bit of trust and respect that had been built. My personal reasoning is that I wouldn't be able to do it and live with mysefl and therefore expect that same from my partner. She knew this, did it anyway, and thus, end of story and marriage. For those of you who are wondering, I can't answer the question of if it was only once would I have forgiven it because that's not the way it happened. It was over the course of several months and has continued almost two years later.

With Tiger, we don't know what kinds of boundaries were decided in his marriage. In my eyes using my morals and values, he's an A-hole and she should take him for everything he's worth. Thing is, my morals and values matter squat in this case. It is highly possible that they had an open marriage, even if it was just only Tiger who was allowed to "cheat." We'll never know.

What I can say definitively is that the carelessness with which he did what he did is astounding to me. How was this not revealed sooner? People on the Tour had to know, which implies that this is a widespread thing that is simply accepted. People with that kind of money and power many times have different standards for their behavior. I don't agree with this, but maybe that's why I'm not one of them. :)

I'm no "hitter" by any stretch, but I do work in investment banking in New York: home to the biggest (many times underserving) egos on the planet. I can tell you that I know if several (not a ton but several) instances where the husband cheats and the wife goes along because of the bankroll. Makes me want to puke and while I can't avoid doing business with many of these guys, my motto has always been "if he can't be trusted not to cheat on his wife, he can't be trusted in a business deal either." I tell this to the guys who work for me as well. Doesn't mean I don't do deals with these guys; I have to. I make sure, however, to take everything they say with a grain of salt, compromise very little and smile the whole way while I'm trying to take his shirt (without being dishonest).

My point is this: Tiger is not the only one to do this nor will he be that last. The sad thing is that he has tarnished his legacy, put a blight on the golf and the institution of marriage, and disappointed millions who wanted to believe he was a stand up family man who had his priorities straight. Whether or not he violated the vows of his marriage, however, is beteween Elin and him. No one else. Personally, I'll most likely never be able to root for the guy again. Not because he made a mistake, but because of the seeming entitlement with which he did it. The Ego is a funny thing: it can drive people to huge success and if not well managed, can drive them even faster into ruin.

For their kids' sake, I hope Tiger and Elin manage this well. They are the most unfortunate victims of this whole mess.