Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
- HG's experience with kids;
- Ground rules for communication and/or conflict resolution
- How the other is discussed when talking to M
- HG's and my relationship
- HG's personal life away from M
I also mentioned that if Ex demonstrated an ability to stay within boundaries over time then maybe we could broaden the relationship, but until then we'd like to keep the discussion M focused to avoid any conflict. CT agreed to mention this as well.
So, CT brought up each topic, Ex pontificated about her greatness as a Mommy and spouted a lot of crap about how she was totally an agreeable, honest person and only wished us the best. HG and I occasionally nodded or gave a SHORT response but mostly we let CT guide the process. Ex talked for most of the time, as expected. Whatever. All I heard was the Charlie Brown teacher voice. Remember that? "Wah, wah-wah, wah, waaaaaah..."
Important in all of this was CT being very adamant that Ex and I are the parents and any conflict, communication, decisions are to stay with us. There should be no contact between HG and Ex unless I am first informed. HG will get a say with me because I trust her, but the two of them shouldn't discuss/fight about any issues. Of course, HG has ZERO desire to have a direct line of communication so that's totally cool with me. Why should both of us suffer needlessly?
The point of this meeting was so Ex would have been given the courtesy to meet the woman who is going to spend significant time with her child...TOTALLY legit. Of course, it accomplished a second point: after we got out, HG called me and asked "How in the world did you stay married to that woman for so long? She never shuts up and only talks about herself. Is it always about her?" BINGO!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Sad thing, besides us having to share a child of course, is that when I met her she wasn't like that. Not sure what caused the complete narcissistic delusional break from reality, but it gets worse and worse as time goes on.
My big fear was a total cat fight. I wouldn't expect HG to participate...she has way too much grace and poise for that, but Ex has no "off switch" and pushes people past places they never thought they'd go. I assured HG that I'd step in (or CT would) if this happened, but she just didn't want to deal. Who can blame her? Don't get me wrong, she's no wilting flower and can run intellectual circles around Ex, but no one can handle the craziness. Fortunately we didn't have to go there.
In all seriousness, I'd recommend a meeting of this sort for any shared custody co-parents who are introducing a significant other to their child. It established firm ground rules for communication, gave Ex the courtesy of meeting someone who appears to be headed toward being a significant figure in her child's life, and set the precedent that that type of behavior should be reciprocated. It's SO hard to take the high road when your Ex is such a douche bag, but you know, it helps to defuse some of the douche baggery before it even starts, which can only benefit Miss M.
All right kids. Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Anyhow, here's the latest:
We've enrolled Miss M in school. One of the more expensive ones unfortunately, but for what she needs (strong language focus), the proximity to my apartment (literally, a 300 yard walk), and the fact that Ex agreed to foot half the bill, it was the best decision given the options that were available to us. What tipped it over the edge for me was that Ex also agreed to pay her own nanny care going forward. Saves me a TON of money and given that she offered it, I have to say I'm appreciative.
I'm not sure if Ex offered this because she knows I'm on to her and her finances or just to be nice, but given that it's a big step in the right direction, I figured I'd not look a gift horse in the mouth. Baby steps, right? We sat in front of the child therapist and discussed all the school options, including costs, so this gave me an opportunity to lay out my whole financial picture. I decided not to get into "accusing" Ex of anything and to just focus on my side of the street. Seems she heard me and is giving me breaks here and there. Yup, guess there's a person in there somewhere.
Hot Girl and I have also been getting on extremely well. After my post The Dilemma a few weeks ago, I decided to take a brutally honest path and just tell her EVERYTHING I was thinking. Have to say, she took it like a trooper and what transpired was a couple weeks of very long talks. The result though: we both feel like the other is the best friend and our communication is more open than ever. Honestly, I've never had this in a relationship before. Ex and I were never best friends. Huge step for both HG and me. While we have some differences, we have mostly the same values when it comes to family and kids, we're willing to sacrifice personal things for those values, we laugh a lot, and the sex is still phenomenal. Can't ask for much more than that, right?
So, after more discussions with her, my parents, my friends, and my shrink, I decided it was time...to reintroduce M to Hot Girl this past weekend. We did it at the playground with tons of other kids and parents around just to keep it low key. They got along great (as expected) and after I said, "M, we have to go upstairs and get dinner" she looked at Hot Girl and said "You want come to my house for dinner?" How could we refuse that? The next morning, M woke up, came into my room and said "Daddy, [Hot Girl] go to zoo with us today?" Can't say no again.
So, with that, we've decided it's also time to introduce HG to Ex. One of the things we agreed to in child therapy was that when the relationship got serious enough that the new boyfriend/girlfriend would be spending significant time with M, we'd arrange a meeting. Just to keep it neutral, I requested we do it at the therapist's office, so tomorrow at 1 PM is the big intro! I'm a little nervous as Ex has a propensity for saying inappropriate things at just the right moment and for being confrontational. HG and I have decided that if this occurs, she'll just defer to me and I'll take care of it. Seem the best way to handle things, right?
So, overall things are pretty good. Have a little financial relief which was drastically needed, M has a new school, and HG is in the picture for the foreseeable future. Next up...I need to get to the gym. Daddy is getting a bit pudgy. One thing at a time, right?
Talk soon everyone!