Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I have to say, after all the fear of having a lonely Christmas, it might have been the best one I've every had. Who knew? I went to a movie with a friend Christmas Eve (Avatar, pretty good), had breakfast with a buddy Christmas morning, and then went to a big Christmas party that afternoon. Saw a ton of friends and realized that I wasn't the only one who didn't see family on Christmas. Once Miss M showed up, we had SO much fun. Roller skates, a princess castle, and a new tent (in the form of a castle) were her big presents. We barely left the apartment for the next two days! The excitment on her face was priceless and I actually forgot that it wasn't the actual Christmas Day.
Feeling really grateful and realizing that while this isn't the life I pictured, it's a pretty good one.
Happy New Year to everyone. Looking forward to hearing about all your lives in 2010.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Happy to report that after dreading Christmas without my little girl, the last three days have not been that bad. Spent a lot of time with friends, saw a movie (Avatar: pretty good. Cool graphics) and went to a great Christmas party this afternoon.
Cool thing is, I didn't feel lonely and while I missed my little one, the three days were fine. Talked to her a couple times a day. She was SO excited to have had Santa come and is excited to have him come again to Daddy's House.
There is an upside to divorce...TWO CHRISTMAS'S!!!
So she's back with me tomorrow at noon until Monday night. We're going to open presents, build a gingerbread house, and play with our new toys! I'm excited.
I think the key is, don't try to do it alone. Enjoy the off time with friends and family and know that the little one will be back, even if it's not the actual day. Thanks for the encouragement and well wishes everyone. Enjoy the weekend!!!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Since so many of us are having trouble getting into the spirit this year, I thought over the next couple days I'd share some of my favorite Christmas funnies. Enjoy!
Monday, December 21, 2009
The holidays are having a disturbing effect on my this year. It's my first year without Miss M on Christmas Day, although I get her the following day for 3 days. Still, I think I'm feeling the culmination of a lot of things...
Over on Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy, BLW posted yesterday about not feeling balanced because of an inability to do things for herself. I totally relate to that. On the days I have Miss M, besides going to work, I only spend time with her. This also goes for the weekends when I have her. True, we do playdates with other parents, but there's no time for me alone. On the nights when I don't have Miss M, I make time for Hot Girl. She above anyone understands the necessity of "me" time, but I feel guilty taking it instead of spending time with her as I know she misses me. Throw work into the mix and there's very little for me.
I see a shrink every other Friday. He's been great at helping me work through the anger of my Ex's affair, given me great suggestions on how to communicate with her to get what's necessary out of the co-parenting relationship, and is helping me work on my "picker" in romantic relationships. He truly is amazing. By far the most effective therapist I've ever had. Last Friday, he suggested that my life is out of balance. I'm either all on at work, with Miss M, or with Hot Girl. No where in there is time for me to go to the gym, do significant meditation or spiritual work, or explore what I want out of life.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of this. Thing is, when I'm not with Miss M, I'm thinking about the next time I will be. Being a father to her is the most satisfying thing I've ever done, no exception. I feel stretched though and often tired. Shrink thinks I'm sad. I think he's right. About what, though, I'm not sure.
Is it possible that I'm still mourning over the loss of the marriage? Probably. Not the lose of the Ex, but maybe over the loss of what the Ex was supposed to be and represent. I'm certainly stressed about money. Times are tight. While she rarely says so, I know Hot Girl is frustrated that she is essentially the "Tuesday night and every other weekend girl." Unavoidable at this point and she understands it, but she has a valid reason to feel that way. I feel guilty even though no one has told me I should be.
Shrink suggested that I get a baby sitter on Saturdays for a couple hours when I have Miss M. That way I can go to the gym, see a friend or two, or just get some general "me" time. I'm considering it, but I know I'd be thinking about what funny thing Miss M might be saying that I'd miss or the spontaneous hugs that she runs over to give me. I get it, I really do...if I do things for myself, even a little bit, I most likely will be able to feel more whole, less tired, and to get better quality time with both Miss M and Hot Girl. So why am I hesitant to do it?
Maybe because this is the norm for me. I've been so conditioned to "do for other in order to get back" that I feel selfish taking time away. It's a catch 22, right?
What do you other single parents do to recharge your batteries and feel more whole? Balancing the child, work, significant other, and health (spiritual, physical, and emotional) is tough. For me right now, that last one is getting ignored. Suggestions welcome :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
I was feeling like I'm sure most of us do who share custody. I value every moment and want to make the best of the time I have with her. We play games, hug on the couch while we watch her favorite shows, and read books. Interactive things that make for good "Daddy and Me" time. Last night Miss M told her nanny that whe wanted to wait until Daddy got home from work so that we could eat dinner together...sweet right??!!! So I was excited to spend the evening. We made dinner which she didn't like so much. She was "all done" quickly and then began asking for donuts. Hmmm...
Now, I'm not a hard liner when it comes to having treats (her mother is). As long as she's eaten healthy during the day, a treat after dinner seems appropriate to me. There were some donut holes left that the nanny had gotten her and she knew it. Problem is, the remaining ones didn't have sprinkles on them. Miss M LOVES sprinkles. When she saw the selection, she, in her tired state, immediately began crying and jumping up and down, demanding sprinkles. She then begain demanding chocolate milk. No please, not asking nicely, but "I want!!!" in that 3 year old demanding tone, complete with teary eyes (poor baby, I knew she was just tired). I calmly explained that she wasn't asking politely (she does know how) and to please use her manners. With that, off came the Princess clip on earrings she was wearing. She flung them across the floor, ran to the couch, threw herself on it, and began to cry. Quite the little drama queen, right? That's her mother's side...
At 7:00 PM with Miss M in her jammies, it being below freezing outside, and Daddy desparately wanting quality time with her before she left this morning, I had a dilemma. Do I 1) get her dressed and walk half a block (literally 100 yards) with her to Dunkin Donuts while she drank her chocolate milk, or 2) calmly insist that she pick up the earrings she threw, apologize for the tantrum, and ask nicely for what she wants, all the while knowing that this could take a LONG time? Miss M can be quite stubborn when she's in this state.
Option 1 was SO much more attractive and the path of least resistance. I gave it serious thought. Thing is, I knew that if I did it, I'd be setting a bad precedent for later. Daddy, who's OBVIOUSLY wrapped around her little finger (and she knows it) would be set up for more trouble later. Crap! So much for fun, right?
It took a good 30 minutes to get her to pick up those earrings. The first one came at about 10 minutes. The second was much tougher. Everyone's discipline style is different. Mine is to remain calm, start with "I love you" and explain that her behavior is unacceptable and turn off TV and allow no other activities until she does what's needed. Usually that results in an on the floor crying fit to which I respond again, "I love you and I'll be right here on the couch. As soon as you do "X" we can have some fun." She is stubborn, though. It usually takes a while.
We got through it and had a nice rest of the night and fun morning. I'll see Miss a couple times for lunch before Christmas. Ex has been gracious about that (I know it pains her but I'm appreciative). In the meantime, maybe I'll go buy some sprinkles to keep around the house.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
I'm not a big pro sports fan. College, well, that's another issue. It's a product of growing up in an area where there were no pro teams of any kind less than a three hour drive. In my part of the country, college sports is king. Last night though, I have to say was really fun. Most of that was being with my buddy Dave (nicknamed Captain Good Times). He's one of those guys who knows everyone within 30 feet of you in the first 5 minutes. Never a dull moment when that guy is in the vicinity.
The game was particularly important for Giants fans because it was against Philadelphia. For those of you who don't follow, Philly is geographically the closest big city to NYC, thus a huge rival, but also a division opponent. The Giants needed to win this game for playoff purposes. Needless to say, there's a lot of bad blood between the teams and fans, and the games can get pretty heated. So can things in the stands. This game had an added bonus: apparently, a Sunday night game brings out the crazies. Kids usually stay home since the game starts late, so if you're there, you're serious about being there. The fact that it was in the 30's last night and raining meant only die hards (or those like me who felt they couldn't bail on their buddies) made it out. Tons of Philly fans made the trek since they are only a 90 minute drive away. They have the reputation for being the rowdiest fans in the league. One year, they were caught on TV throwing snowballs at Santa at halftime!!! And in the old Veterens' stadium, there used to be a jail in the basement out of necessity. Unreal, right?
Most times though, it's all about fun. There was a lot of good natured talking in the stands and given that the game was close with a few lead changes, a lot to talk back and forth about. While I was having fun watching the game, I became particuarly focused on a Dad and his two sons a few rows below us. The boys couldn't have been older than 10. Dressed in their Giants jerseys, it was cool to see that the three of them were excited to be on a Dudes' Night Out up way past their bedtime on a school night (the game didn't end until almost midnight). What a great thing for those boys and their dad. It made me wonder what type of events Miss M and I will share when she's older. Not sure football will be her thing, but hey, you never know.
As the game went on and remained close, the beers in the stands continued to flow, things started getting a bit rowdy. Fans yelling back and forth in fun turned a bit more serious, a girl behind us drank too much and got sick everywhere (so gross), and the Eagles and Giants fans began throwing things at eachother, namely, their beers. Stupid right? Eight bucks a beer and you throw it at someone. Total waste if you ask me. As it got worse, I started feeling sorry for the guy with his kids: with the amount of F-bombs flying, as well as cups of beer, it was easy to see he was getting uncomfortable. A couple times he looked back as if to say "come on guys, I'm with my kids here." To no avail though not long inot the third quarter, a Philly fan stood up to celebrate a play and a Giants fan hit him with a beer from several rows away. Problem for the Dad and his boys...they were caught in between. The Philly guy and his buddies immediately started making a b-line for the Giants guys, a fight broke out and security had to be called. Of course, this made more beers fly. Crazy.
I'm no prude by any stretch but as I'm watching this I'm thinking, how do you shield your kids from this kind of thing? It got cleaned up and some of the fans got tossed out, but you could tell that Dad was rightfully pissed and the boys, while in total awe of what was going on, were a little scared. What could have been a tremendous game to watch turned out to most likely be a civility lesson for the boys instead. Early in the fourth quarter they ended up leaving early as things began to get rowdy again, missing a down to the wire finish. I felt really bad for the guy.
There are always going to be A-holes around, but most of these people around us last night probably had their own kids as well. How do you act like that and then go home to you children and tell them to behave? Maybe I'm too preachy, maybe it's that I'm over protective with my little girl, but I just wonder, what kind of example do we set for our kids (or other people's kids) with behavior like that. Look, not a huge deal and those boys have some stories to tell at school today that will make them the most popular kids in class, but if they were my boys, I'd much rather they talk about a game where there were 5 touchdowns of over 60+ yards and a ton of points than a puking drunk lady, several fights, and obnoxious grown ups throwing beers at eachother all night.
Get a grip people, the economy sucks, the world is in chaos, we need healthcare reform...this is just a football game! Maybe I'll take my kids to watch a golf tournament. Nothing controversial happens there, right???? Well, maybe not...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
For me, infidelity in a marriage is unforgivable. I have first hand experience at this as my Ex had an affair with a married man. That affair continues to this day and to my knowledge the married man's wife does not know. She may though. I know who they are and while we don't run in the same social circle, we're only one step removed. Ex refuses to admit her infidelity during our marriage but it has been confirmed to me by two of her friends who were disgusted with her behavior and thought I should know. Should I do the same for this woman? I'm honestly not sure. For now, I choose to stay in my world where most likely I belong.
Here's the thing...in my marriage, infidelity by me or by Ex was wrong because we decided together that it was so. We discussed it and while she did grow up in France where such indiscretions are many times overlooked, we talked about it at length both prior to marriage and during and both agreed that it was off limits. Period. No concept of open marriage, no "just once is okay." Never, not once, completely unforgivable. Our reasoning for this was simple: if I respect my spouse as my life partner and best friend, crossing that line destroys every bit of trust and respect that had been built. My personal reasoning is that I wouldn't be able to do it and live with mysefl and therefore expect that same from my partner. She knew this, did it anyway, and thus, end of story and marriage. For those of you who are wondering, I can't answer the question of if it was only once would I have forgiven it because that's not the way it happened. It was over the course of several months and has continued almost two years later.
With Tiger, we don't know what kinds of boundaries were decided in his marriage. In my eyes using my morals and values, he's an A-hole and she should take him for everything he's worth. Thing is, my morals and values matter squat in this case. It is highly possible that they had an open marriage, even if it was just only Tiger who was allowed to "cheat." We'll never know.
What I can say definitively is that the carelessness with which he did what he did is astounding to me. How was this not revealed sooner? People on the Tour had to know, which implies that this is a widespread thing that is simply accepted. People with that kind of money and power many times have different standards for their behavior. I don't agree with this, but maybe that's why I'm not one of them. :)
I'm no "hitter" by any stretch, but I do work in investment banking in New York: home to the biggest (many times underserving) egos on the planet. I can tell you that I know if several (not a ton but several) instances where the husband cheats and the wife goes along because of the bankroll. Makes me want to puke and while I can't avoid doing business with many of these guys, my motto has always been "if he can't be trusted not to cheat on his wife, he can't be trusted in a business deal either." I tell this to the guys who work for me as well. Doesn't mean I don't do deals with these guys; I have to. I make sure, however, to take everything they say with a grain of salt, compromise very little and smile the whole way while I'm trying to take his shirt (without being dishonest).
My point is this: Tiger is not the only one to do this nor will he be that last. The sad thing is that he has tarnished his legacy, put a blight on the golf and the institution of marriage, and disappointed millions who wanted to believe he was a stand up family man who had his priorities straight. Whether or not he violated the vows of his marriage, however, is beteween Elin and him. No one else. Personally, I'll most likely never be able to root for the guy again. Not because he made a mistake, but because of the seeming entitlement with which he did it. The Ego is a funny thing: it can drive people to huge success and if not well managed, can drive them even faster into ruin.
For their kids' sake, I hope Tiger and Elin manage this well. They are the most unfortunate victims of this whole mess.
Monday, December 7, 2009
This part was SO MUCH fun for her. Disney rented the Roseland Ballroom (around the corner from the theater) and had every princess Disney has ever created there in person for the kids to meet and get their pictures with. She was in AWE and her little mouth was wide open as she met Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, and the gang. Was very cool and we got lost of pics.
Daddy had to get in on the action as well. Some of those princesses were pretty damn cute! I'm proud to say that the cutest one in my opinion looked nothing like Barbie as I've discussed in a previous post. Pocahontas won the Hot Princess Award and it was for more than her loin cloth. Beautiful long black hair, olive skin, brown eyes...everything Barbie is not. Who knows folks, maybe I'm growing! :) I didn't ask her for the number to her teepee though. Still seeing Hot Girl so kept my admiration to myself.
After that we jumped in a cab and went to see Santa at Macy's. Again, mouth open, total awe. Being three, she "gets" Christmas now...at least, that she's going to "get" on Christmas. Every morning she wakes up and runs to the tree looking for presents! Funny.
Overall, we had a terrific week and a half together. She's really taken with my family which I'm so happy about. Her mother's family is such a mess and mostly overseas. Having my family show her how families love and support eachother is important to me. It's one of the reasons I decided to divorce her mother: I didn't want Miss M to think that what was going on in our house was how things are supposed to be.
She talked about family all week and has been asking a ton of questions. It did bring up the "why aren't Mommy and Daddy together" subject. Not directly, but at drop off at her mother's she said "Daddy stay here!" and did the same last night when her mother dropped her off. Makes me sad but I guess that's the choice we've made. Lesser of two evils for sure.
It's nice to be back in the Blogworld. Ma and Pa Big City Dad have such an old computer that it was impossible for me to post or even read emails. I'm looking forward to seeing what my cyber friends have been up to.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
We had a great time playing spending time with family. It makes me sad sometimes that Miss M won't grow up seeing my parents or my sister and her kids regularly. It's so much fun watching them all together and it's really obvious now the Miss M understands the difference between family and "other people." She was so comfortable with her grandparents and is completely enamored with her older cousins. They were so good with her as well. She was in awe watching my oldest nephew skateboard on the halfpipe in his driveway. Got some fantastic video of it too.
Miss M was with me the whole time and will be through the end of the week. We got tickets to the premiere of The Princess and the Frog. One of the perks of living in NYC I guess. We're seeing it tomorrow morning followed by a real live Princess Ball. Miss M is SO excited. Daddy too. I'll post a review of the movie tomorrow night.
For now, Daddy is tired. Off to bed. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Boy did I stir things up yesterday. My comments both here and on Singlemommyhood.com on what I felt may be a red flag in relationships for me got me in all kinds of trouble. I truly meant no offense to anyone and was just trying to give my point of view as well as that of other men I've spoken with about this subject. Still, after rereading my posts, I can see how things could be taken out of context or misinterpreted. For that, I truly apologize.
In 1984 Robert McCloskey, the author and illustrator of childrens' books including "Make Way for Ducklings", felt he had been misunderstood in some remarks he made about the Vietnam War. His response was as follows:
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant".
That my friends is how I feel today. Don't get me wrong...I love it when people disagree with me here or give me a point of view I haven't thought of. If I didn't get that, I'd never grow or learn new things. That said, I thought I'd attempt to better explain what I meant by a woman (or man) who may be in their late 30's or early 40's, never married, with no kids is a Red Flag does and does not mean to me. Here goes:
What I Did NOT Mean by Yesterday's Comments:
- That women (or men) that fit this category have nothing to offer and should be considered broken and steered clear of. Everyone has something to offer. What isn't a fit for one person may be a perfect fit for another;
- That I have no issues and am perfect. SO NOT TRUE. We all have them. How we deal with them makes all the difference;
- That I would never date a single mother. OH MY GOD NO!!! Single mom's who are good parents (subjective but we all know the basic difference) have it all going on. They get the kid thing, they've experienced life, and they are super women in how they run their lives;
- That long term relationships that didn't result in marriage don't count as significant relationships, even when that relationship has resulted in a child. Again, that would be silly. While most people who have kids have been married at some point, not all have. Those relationships count just the same;
- That women who don't have kids and fit this category should have no right to consider donors or adopting to experience the magic of parenthood. Couldn't disagree with this more. As a matter of fact, my plan if I had hit 40, was single, and had no kids was to try and adopt. Not ever having been married doesn't mean I'm not qualified to be a good father. Same with prospective single mommies; and
- That women or men who have been married and are divorced are better than the people who've chosen not to make the commitment for the wrong reason. NO WAY. Good for those people who didn't feel the pressure to commit when it didn't feel right. In hindsight (while I am grateful to my Ex for my daughter and don't regret that AT ALL), I should have had the courage to say "I just don't think this is right." That is a brave decision that should be respected.
- That Hot Girl, having fit into this category, is more "broken" than my Ex just because my Ex has been married and is a mother. NO F' ING WAY!!! Enough said there.
What I DID Mean by My Comment:
- That a person (man or woman) who has never been married nor has had a significant long term relationship in their lives by this age most likely has never made it a priority. FOR ME, that is a concern because I consider past behavior to be a decent predictor of future behavior. If someone hasn't ever committed to a person by this age (marriage or long term relationship), why would I expect them see me as any different? ;
- I would (and am dating someone in this category). That doesn't mean the category itself doesn't give me pause. The key is that Hot Girl and I talk about it A LOT. We also talk about my issues, of which there are a ton.
- That if a woman has put career so far out in front that family wasn't her priority by this age, she may be great for someone, but that's not what I want. Doesn't mean I think those people who do this are bad. I have several friends, especially in New York, who are like this. MY first priority over everything is family however, and I've thus want a partner who feels the same way.
What I Hadn't Thought About But Was Pointed Out To Me Are Exeptions (and with Which I Agree):
- Some people may have stayed in a relationship for a long time, chosen not to get married, tried to have kids but couldn't, and then broke up. What was left is a person in their 30's or 40's never married with no kids.
- A woman may have had a child outside of marriage earlier in life and has put that child as a priority (as she should). Thus, her dating life has been sparse and she now finds herself at that age having never been married nor in a long term relationship.
- That someone who had "other priorities" earlier in life can change their view later and be WONDERFUL spouses and parents.
- That my experience with women in this category has shaped my opinion but someone else may have a completely different experience. That is valid and worth noting.
- That a better term for this "pause" when meeting someone who is in this category might be "yellow warning sign" meaning proceed cautiously, versus "red flag" which means stop and run the other way.
Again, hopefully this sheds more light on what I was trying to say, even if I didn't make myself clear initially. I do believe that anyone who is capable and who has the love to give has the right to experience the magic of parenthood, regardless of how that comes about or if they have a partner. And for those single, parents or otherwise, we all have something to offer. Committing or not is a choice, but better to alone than to commit when it's not right. What right for one isn't necessarily right for another. Hopefully, there's a "nut" for every "bolt" out there. :)
Have a great day everyone.
Monday, November 23, 2009
That's pretty much what it looks like most of the time. M was with her mother this weekend, which means Friday morning until Sunday at 5 PM. As you all know, it's a good and a bad thing. The good: Having some time to myself gives me a chance to decompress, clean up without the mess starting over immediately, see some friends, choose not to go to the gym, and go on a date or two. The bad: After about 3 hours I miss my girl and I'm ready to have her back.
I'm not much of a "planner" so I usually go into these weekends with a general outline but few specific plans. I like to take my personal life as it comes. This weekend wasn't much different. Friday night I hung with few of my boys for dinner. We went to this authentic Mexican restaurant in East Harlem. My buddy Paul grew up in Mexico so he was able to bridge the language gap for us. The conversation started off pretty normal and quickly deteriorated into dating exploits. I'll spare you the details but let's just say we were the loudest table in the place and out buddy Blain, funny as he is, may need to do some work on his volume control as well as his "concepts" of a healthy relationship with women. Enough said, right? Funny, funny guy.
Saturday day was errands, cleaning, & college football. I grew up in South Carolina right near Clemson (and my sister went there). I went to Virginia Tech, so Saturdays in the fall (unless I have M) are for football...period. Lucky for me, the woman I've been seeing (code name Hot Girl because she giggles when I call her that) LOVES college football. How lucky am I, right? We lounged, used the couch, and cheered the Hokies on to a win over NC State. Perfect "off weekend" afternoon. We then went to a pretty good barbeque place downtown with friends and ate too much. Good day, right?
So with the introduction of Hot Girl, here's the scoop: we've been seeing eachother since October of last year and used to work together at a previous job. I always thought she was cute (she really is) and that she seemed nice, but I'm not one to fish off the company pier, nor is she, and I left that job right after Ex and I got married. The week I was moving out last summer, I was in a home store looking for new single dad furniture, turned around, and there she was. We talked for about 30 minutes while my friend Stu patiently occupied himself. Hot Girl and I decided to get together for lunch a few weeks later to discuss job prospects for her as she was getting laid off in a month. No romantic aspirations whatsoever.
At lunch we didn't talk about jobs at all and she seemed TOTALLY different than her reputation. At the office she had a reputation for being standoffish and a bit high strung. Then again, as an attractive single woman working in a Wall Street firm, you better have your guard up because most of the guys are sharks. At lunch though, she was funny and sweet and we really got along. I got that "thing" in my stomach, but being separated only a few weeks, just wasn't ready to go there.
We hung out platonically a few more times until mid October when I just felt the need to have that talk. You know that one: I really like you but I'm just not ready for anything and want to be up front with you. She was completely understanding. That lasted a week! The couch was calling :) Things escalated quickly and by spring we were starting to discuss long term. We also were having occasional blow ups, mostly as it related to Ex's parenting style (or lack there of) and about how to deal with Ex. In hindsight, too much too fast. Mid summer we decided to call it off, which was disappointing for me and M. They had been introduced in late March. Hot Girl was incredible with her...everything my Ex was not.
The pressure of a new divorce wore on us and eventually wore us out. After taking a few months off, we started talking again in September. We both took responsibility for our parts in the difficult times (again, something Ex was never able to do and something that's extremely important for me). The spark was still there and we decided (after some very, very long and open discussions) to start seeing eachother again. This time though, while we're committed to seeing only eachother, we're keeping the marriage discussion out of it...for now. I've yet to reintroduce her to M simply because I want to make sure it's going to stick this time. M misses her and asks about her sometimes but I explain that Hot Girl is still our friend but can't see us right now.
Here's the rub: Hot Girl is 37, no kids, never married. Red flag? Maybe. She has her trust issues and is pretty guarded. I'm not, AT ALL and like an emotionally open relationship. The more I let her in though, the less I see those issues. And we discuss this quite a bit. I trust first and wait to be disproved. She distrusts first and SLOWLY lets people in. I want more kids and she really, really wants to be married and have kids also with the right person. I just feel that I need to take my time and make sure this is right before taking that step. Great, great girl. I'm just trying to see if I can deal with her coping style in stressful situations versus mine as well as the differences in our "spiritual" sides. We're coming from different in both aspects there, which isn't necessarily bad, but the sides may not be compatible. Yet to be determined. Other than that we line up on just about everything. Those two things, though, are HUGE for me and were missing in my marriage. I don't want to get stuck in a situation again were there's no way to discuss differences and no spiritual connection. Time will tell I guess.
For now, I have two lives with a 3 foot girlfriend half the week and a 5' 7" girlfriend the other half. We see how it goes.
Happy Monday everyone! It's a short week. :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
- We love to play Princess. Thing is, Daddy is the Princess. Miss M puts the pink jeweled crown and earrings on Daddy and shrieks with joy "Daddy, you so boootiful!!!" I can thank my parents for those gifts.
- Daddy can recite virtually every line in the movies "Tinkerbell," and "Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses." What man can say that???
- If it will help Miss M stay in her seat while riding a crowded NY City Bus on the way to school, Daddy will sing out loud "The Wheels on the Bus" for as long as Miss M wants. Daddy has a REALLY bad singing voice and sings for no one.
- Miss M has started taking ballet and tap dance and loves to practice in the living room. Of course, Daddy is required to follow along and can do a plié or get into fifth position on command. The fact that I know what those are is just scary.
- Last night, Daddy gave a somersault show in the living room, just because it made us laugh. Thought I was going to throw up.
- Our new favorite game: Horsie. Now, for you traditional manly men like myself, this isn't the bouncing knee game or even riding on Daddy's back like a horse (although that is a small component). Miss M has decided that Daddy is her pet horsie, to be led around the apartment and the apartment building (yes, I said building) to perform tricks and whinny on command. She LOVES this one.
I know you Daddies out there understand. What ever makes them giggle and be happy.
Any fun games that you have to share? I could always add to the arsenal.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
As I've told you, Ex and I continue to see the Child Therapist to lay the ground rules for good co-parenting. Each session is contentious, but so far we've both taken CT's decisions to heart and have agreed to abide by the plan. That has not been easy, let me tell you. Still, we both feel that establishing healthy patterns now is better than trial and error.
That said, one of the most contentious issues that will ever come up in co-parenting is when to introduce your child to a new significant other. It is widely thought that children, especially at a young age, can become attached quickly, so the potential for another "father or mother figure" to appear, then disappear in their lives is cause for concern.
Everything I've read points to erring on the side of conservative on this one. If you're not sure, wait. Being a rules guy, however, I decided to ask CT to lay some guidelines for Ex and me to follow. Have to admit, they are pretty hardcore. CT explained that in an ideal world, this is the way to do things if you have your child's emotional best interest at heart. It means some sacrifice and compromise on your part as well as your new partner, but in the long run, CT claims that children adjust best if the following guidelines are used:
- The relationship should be important with the possibility of long term; if so, 6 months of waiting is an appropriate amount of time to date before introductions;
- After 6 months of dating, it is then acceptable to ask the other parent to meet your new significant other before this new person is allowed to spend ANY amount of alone time with your child. Keep in mind this meeting is out of courtesy only. You don't get a say in your Ex's dating life unless your child is in harm's way;
- The title for these significant others should be as such: Special Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, etc. There is no substitute Mother or Father;
- There are to be no sleep overs dates when your child is with you until the significant other has actually moved into the specific parent's apartment. (This one is aimed at us because we have 50/50 custody and have plenty of time to do sleep overs on our off time. Extreme, yes, but again, is what CT thinks is healthiest for the child);
- The significant other should be "available" for a committed relationship (i.e. the relationship is monogamous; significant other is not involved with someone else in any way);
- In regard to how the significant other treats your child, either parent may offer feedback for the two biological parents to work out any glitches in the relationship to the child's benefit;
- It is important to note that many biological parents are jealous of new partners in an Ex's life and particularly jealous of their involvement in their child's life. There are natural emotions to be dealt with and understood (individually and never in front of the child) but not to be catered to.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Now the hard part: if you have ANY residual feelings of anger, resentment, or sadness over the break up of your marriage, it is SO hard not to have that spill over into your co-parenting relationship. In the worst instance, the other parent's time with the children can be compromised or denied, support payments with held, or one parent may bad mouth the other to the children. Let me tell you, sometimes it's all I can do to just bite my lip and not say something when I feel I'm being provoked by my Ex. I'm sure she'd tell you the same. At times we're both unsuccessful in keeping things civil. We really struggle to get along. It doesn't help that neither of us are wilting flowers.
Recently, we decided to see a Child Psychologist. There were several issues regarding the other that we just couldn't come to agreement on, so we thought it best to have a "professional referee" in the room to give us strong guidance, with the emphasis on strong. A bit humbling to be put in your place, but as the therapist continues to remind us, she's only there for our daughter's best interest. Follow what she says and Miss M will be the big winner.
Since the Ex and I are still in the conflict phase (although thankfully we've never fought in front of my daughter since our separation), our therapist thought it best for her to establish some ground rules for Ex and me to follow in our co-parenting relationship. I thought I'd share them with my new friends:
- The past is no longer relevant to current decision making and discussions. Leave the past out. Discuss only the issue of today. (man is that one hard!)
- Do not insult each other in emails or in person. Vow never to insult the parent of your child. You can discuss without insults. If you have residual post marital issues to work out, save them for a safe therapy session (either joint child therapy when the child is not present, or with your individual therapist).
- The Spirit of Sharing the joy of parenting your child is the guide to all discussions. Therfore, any time sharing which needs to be discussed, especially Holiday time, will be discussed understanding both parents' desire to be with their child with the goal of finding ways to make this work for everyone, especially the child.
- Be respectful of the other parent. You child is watching and learning how he/she will be treated and who he/she will select for a mate.
- STAY GRATEFUL on a daily basis that you are fighting for more time with your beloved child. This is a great fight (discussion) to have!
I will tell you from experience that this is SO much harder than it looks. Progress not perfection though. I've stumbled way more than I care to admit, but the best thing I can do is just dust myself off and get right back in there. Miss M is the one who will benefit the most!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Ok, I admit it. As a little boy I had a crush on Barbie. Look at her, she's hot right? I forget what her proportions would be in real life, but I do remember it's something completely ridiculous, meaning there's little chance she'd be able to walk upright. My kind of girl.
To my Mom's chagrin, ALL of my girlfriends, including the Ex, have resembled either Barbie or Jessica Rabbit. Not a brunette in sight. Not that there's ANYTHING unattractive about brunettes, redheads, black women, Asian women, or green women for that matter. I love women, have dated every type and find ALL kinds attractive. For some reason, however, I always end up with the skinny but curvy blond as the long term relationship. Obviously that's worked out really well for me, right? Might be some to be done work with my therapist on that one. Ya think? Help me dude...please?
Growing up, my parents did a pretty good job encouraging my sister and me to play with "gender neutral" things. We each had our toys but I don't remember ever being told "Don't play with that. That's a girl's toy." I swore as a parent that I would do the same. I'm all for girls being as tomboyish as they want or as girly as they want. I really didn't plan on having a pink apartment complete with pink toys, pink curtains, and little dresses everywhere. Miss M is as girly as they come. It's a rare day when we don't have a meltdown when Daddy dresses us in pants. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having a little girl. Nothing better than Daddy's Little Girl and Miss M is certainly that. I can't get out of eyesight without her hunting me down and I LOVE THAT.
Miss M is napping after a great play date this morning with her little friend Jason. First nap she's taken in I don't know how long. Little guy wore her out. All boy that one (right T?) On our way home, we stopped at the toy store to pick up a replacement Cinderella that we lost last week, and some Barbie clothes. So here I am, the little one napping, putting out her new Barbie clothes so we can play with them after her nap...and feeling kind of creepy. Sort of like when I was a little boy and had to check out Barbie naked when no one was looking. Come on guys, you KNOW you did it too. How could you not? Unless of course you were into Ken, not that there's anything wrong with that :)
After Miss M wakes up, we'll commence to dress Barbie in her new sundresses, dance around the apartment wearing princess crowns, and watch some Princess movies. Most likely Miss M will put the fancy clip on earrings on me and shriek with joy "Daddy!!! You so boootiful!!!" and I'll love every minute of it. This will be my first "date" with Barbie, however, in a very, very long time, at least, the Barbie doll that is...
Little girls rock. Barbie (of all kinds) and I, however, are going to have to come to an understanding....
Friday, November 13, 2009
Nothing like a couple hours with Miss M to make it all go away. Was stuck in my head most of the day but after getting some time with her it all seems trivial. We read some books, did our business on the potty (she JUST got that in the last couple weeks, so exciting!), and played marching band. LOVE that game. She grabs one of my pots and a wooden spoon, daddy gets the harmonica and a tambourine, and we march around the apartment playing to our imaginary crowd. Comes complete with a bow and an Elvis "Thankyouverymuch." Sure the neighbors love when we do that! Part of living in the big city...you get to hear all of your neighbors' business. After that we watched part of her favorite Princess movie and then off to bed. Ten minutes of meditation to top it off and Daddy feels like a new man. Thanks everyone for all the well wishes after a tough day. Tonight is what it's all about.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
First, I'd like to apologize to everyone who had trouble with my blog yesterday. I'm still tinkering with the format so it was up and down at times. I picked my host, blogspot, for the only reason that it came up first when I did my search. Being totally inexperienced at this, it seemed good enough to me so I went with it. Little did I know that some of you (QT ???) think b-spot SUX! Alas, unless any major issues come up, I'm here to stay. I hope you can endure the truly painful experience of dealing with my format. :-)
On to the business of the day. Since this blog is about my experience as a single daddy with Miss M, I thought it would be good to give you a sample of our every day conversations (both with and about Miss M) so that you can get a good idea of her amazingly HUGE personality:
#1: Daddy with one of Miss M's daycare teachers on during my 1st pick up:
BCD: "Hi, I'm ****. I'm here to pick up my daughter."
Cutie Teacher: "Nice to meet you. Which one is yours?"
BCD: " *****. I think she's wearing a pink dress today" (is there any other kind?)
Cutie Teacher: "Oh! The crazy one! We LOVE her! Boy does she make class fun!"
I'm in for a lot of parent teacher conferences....
#2: Nicknames - I have many nicknames for Miss M. She's apparently partial to some:
BCD: "Come on Sweet Pea, it's time to go to school."
Miss M (picture furrowed brow, very serious face): "Daddy, I not Sweet Pea. I Boo Boo Head!"
Well, excuse me.
#3 Middle of the Night Negotiation - Miss M frequently shows up at my bedside in the middle of the night wanting to crawl in. I usually acquiesce being too lazy to go through the late night negotiation. This night, however, was right after her birthday and took some special thinking on her part...
Miss M (bedside with Doggie after softly stroking Daddy's hair until he wakes up): "Happy birthday Daddy! I Love You."
Think she got in my bed that night? Enough said, right?
#4: Dinner Menu - It's always an adventure
BCD: "Boo Boo, do you want hot dogs and ketchup for dinner?" (her favorite)
Miss M: "Nooooo"
BCD: "Do you want dinosour chicken?" (Perdue baked breaded dinosour shapes, awesome.)
Miss M: "Nooooo"
BCD: "Do you want hamburgers and green beans?"
Miss M: "Nooooo"
BCD (running out of quick options): "Well baby, what do you want for dinner?"
Miss M: "I want OCTOPUS!"
We had just been to the NY Acquarium the weekend before...
#5: I LOVE THIS ONE - On her birthday
BCD: "Boo Boo, how old are you today?"
Miss M (picture chubby little fingers doing their best): "I tree! How old Daddy?"
BCD: "How old do you think Daddy is?"
Miss M (pensive): "Hmmmm....Daddy five! How old Mommy?"
BCD (holding back a multitude of smarmy thoughts): "How old do you think Mommy is?"
Miss M (furrowed brow, then hugely excited): "Mmmmmm....Mommy OLD!!!"
I love her :)
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Yes, it's my favorite day of the week. Not Saturday, not Friday, and certainly not Monday. You see, Wednesday is the day I get Miss M back after not seeing her or a couple days. Her mother's nanny (not her mother, but we'll let that one go) brings her to me at 8 AM and we spend an hour or so in the morning cuddling, playing with Barbies, doing the princess thing (yes, I wear the crown), or watching tv while eating breakfast. That hug, when she first jumps into my arms is the best thing I get all week. Doesn't matter what is going on in my life, that one HUGE hug and "Hi Daddy!!!" makes it all melt away.
The Ex and I have a pretty good custody schedule if I do say so myself. Then again, I'm the one who drew it up. Funny how that works. Here it is:
Monday & Tuesday - With the Ex
Wednesday & Thursday - With Daddy
Weekends - Alternate
Sunday nights - to the parent who didn't have the weekend
Having that alternating Sunday night is key. That way I never go more than 2 days without seeing her. During the very contentious early days, that was huge because we angry parents had trouble looking past our own stuff to allow some access on "not your days." Right now we're past that. Hope we keep that up.
This is my weekend so I have her from this morning through Sunday night! I LOVE THIS LONG STRETCH WITH HER!!! We have lots of plans: A Friday night dinner date (we sit at the counter at the local diner and try to talk Daddy and the man in to letting us have chocolate cake for dinner), Saturday a playdate with Gabriel and the gang at the playground behind our building, this Sunday...the Big Apple Circus at Lincoln Center!!! I may be more excited than her.
What is everyone else up to this weekend???
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
And the blogging begins...
Here they are. Man and woman starting out on life's adventure together. Hope springs eternal, plans are made, excitement and fun are their future. At least, that was the plan...
After four years of marriage, a BEAUTIFUL baby girl (Miss M), and a ton of marriage counseling, endless arguing, painful misunderstanding, and continual hurt feelings, our dreams diverged. We realized that no longer could we try to fit a square peg in a round hole. We were VERY different parents & partners who view(ed) family in incompatible ways that just couldn't be resolved. Everyone has their way of looking at life and that has to be respected (unless it's harmful to others), but sometimes different points of view just can't coexist.
You'll learn from my postings over time that time with family is my number one priority. It's how I was raised and I don't know any different. Give me the winning lottery ticket or more time with Miss M, I'll take my little one every time. My Ex, however, views family as important, but values her freedom and individuality above all. Given her childhood, which I won't go into, I understand why but that didn't change the fact that I was spending evenings and weekends alone with my daughter. A single daddy even before divorce. Love Miss M as I may, I longed for the togetherness of all three of us. The battle ensued and while there was some compromise, it became apparent over time that neither of us willing to compromise to the point that would make the other comfortable. With anger, resentment, some sadness, and lots of fear, I set in motion the wheels of divorce.
Now a year later, with more ugly battles under my belt than I care to admit, I've come to the realization that this is my life. It can be a battle of frustration and wills, lasting pain and anger, tit for tat, or it can become something more: a lesson for spiritual growth and acceptance, forgiveness (but not necessarily approval), and an opportunity to create the family dynamic I've always wanted, even if it's just Miss M and me. The blogs of some of you other single parents have helped me get there for which I'm immensely grateful.
In reading this, maybe you've been through this process and are thinking "Great! That's the place my life changed. Good for you!!!" Or maybe you're just starting this process and thinking "How in the world do I forgive that a-hole I divorced for all the things they did to me and for ruining my dream?" I will tell you that I vacilate between the two every day. It takes WORK EVERY DAY. Every morning I have to reset my head through prayer and meditation. I now realize that I have a choice in life and I'm much more comfortable in my skin when I focus on MY stuff, I keep MY side of the street clean, and I do my best to create MY version of the life I want both when I have and when I don't have Miss M. Notice in that sentence that there's no mention of HER (the EX). Regardless of my desire for her to have been a) a more attentive mother b) faithful to me during our marriage c) a person with conflict resolution skills that I understand, and d) a person who can accept responsibility for her own actions without blaming others, those things are COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL. I couldn't control those things while we were married so what makes me think I can do it now?
None of this means that I agree with how the Ex lives her life, many of the decisions she makes both with and without regard to Miss M, or that I wouldn't make things different IF I could. But I can't. So if I focus on the good I have now, I know I'll view those past problems (or any future ones) as bumps in the road, not mountains.
So here's the question of the day for all of us: What have I done today to help me work toward fogiving the past and living in the present? It's a goal to strive for in the marathon of life, right? You will surly hear me have bad days here, but if I can't share it with the people who understand this the most, where can I share it with right? We're in it together.