Trust is a huge issue for all of us. Our ability (or lack thereof) to trust that our needs will be taken care of is something that is formed at an early age. How well we felt our parents or caregivers provided for us in those years probably has a lot to do with how needy we are in relationships in adulthood. Among many definitions that I've read over the last couple days, one that struck me is the most"the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed."
For those of us who share custody, there needs to be a certain amount of trust in the other parent. Unless we can believe that our co-parent has our child's physical and emotional well being at heart, we're going to be unsettled most of the time. Lack of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse of course is a must. Feeding, clothing, proper discipline, and sharing of love as well. All of these I believe my Ex provides for my daughter. The responsibility of a single parent has been imposed on her. The State of NY, as well as I, have to have confidence that she will do her best to care for our daughter. But what about the rest of it?
I've mentioned here before that I believe my Ex is a pathological liar, and a very good one at that. It took me a while to see it, but her lack of deep long lasting relationships on any level should have been my first clue. Now, besides her infidelity, there are and have been so many contradictions to stories she tells, exaggerations of situations, and flat out misinterpretations of the truth that I lose sleep many nights wondering just what is really going on. From how much time Miss M spends with babysitters, to Ex's real financial situation, to Ex filing a false child abuse claim soon after our separation, to her infidelity and continued relationship with Married Guy (and my daugther's exposure to this), I'm so upside down most times that I wonder is it better for me to have no contact with her besides on drop offs. It stresses me out to no end.
I bring this up because the other day I had a separate conversation with the Child Therapist we see together because there were clear lies that were going on during our therapy sessions. Most had to do with Married Guy and his exposure to my daughter. Once I explained to Therapist that the story had changed multiple times and the one of Ex's closest friends had told me in confidence that the infidelity had occured, Therapist understood my lack of trust. Her suggestion was that we both "trust but verify" Ex's stories going forward and keep track of the stories that are told. Frustrating beyond belief.
Here's my question though: Does it really matter? The "war" part of our divorce seems to have passed. As long as we each go by the rules of our custody agreement, I pay support on time, and Miss M is well cared for, what's the problem? I already know that Ex is a Hot Mess. Shouldn't I just be able to leave it at that and move on with my life? Does whatever "story of the day" that Ex decides to tell to make herself look like the good guy and me the bad guy matter?
I suppose the High Road is the place to go with this, but I could use some help. What do you all think? Am I needlessly getting stressed over trivial things since I do know that Miss M is well cared for or should I try to get to the bottom of most situations so that I can to the best of my ability protect Miss M from Ex's emotional and moral instability ? It's a tough one. Let the feedback begin...