That's pretty much what it looks like most of the time. M was with her mother this weekend, which means Friday morning until Sunday at 5 PM. As you all know, it's a good and a bad thing. The good: Having some time to myself gives me a chance to decompress, clean up without the mess starting over immediately, see some friends, choose not to go to the gym, and go on a date or two. The bad: After about 3 hours I miss my girl and I'm ready to have her back.
I'm not much of a "planner" so I usually go into these weekends with a general outline but few specific plans. I like to take my personal life as it comes. This weekend wasn't much different. Friday night I hung with few of my boys for dinner. We went to this authentic Mexican restaurant in East Harlem. My buddy Paul grew up in Mexico so he was able to bridge the language gap for us. The conversation started off pretty normal and quickly deteriorated into dating exploits. I'll spare you the details but let's just say we were the loudest table in the place and out buddy Blain, funny as he is, may need to do some work on his volume control as well as his "concepts" of a healthy relationship with women. Enough said, right? Funny, funny guy.
Saturday day was errands, cleaning, & college football. I grew up in South Carolina right near Clemson (and my sister went there). I went to Virginia Tech, so Saturdays in the fall (unless I have M) are for football...period. Lucky for me, the woman I've been seeing (code name Hot Girl because she giggles when I call her that) LOVES college football. How lucky am I, right? We lounged, used the couch, and cheered the Hokies on to a win over NC State. Perfect "off weekend" afternoon. We then went to a pretty good barbeque place downtown with friends and ate too much. Good day, right?
So with the introduction of Hot Girl, here's the scoop: we've been seeing eachother since October of last year and used to work together at a previous job. I always thought she was cute (she really is) and that she seemed nice, but I'm not one to fish off the company pier, nor is she, and I left that job right after Ex and I got married. The week I was moving out last summer, I was in a home store looking for new single dad furniture, turned around, and there she was. We talked for about 30 minutes while my friend Stu patiently occupied himself. Hot Girl and I decided to get together for lunch a few weeks later to discuss job prospects for her as she was getting laid off in a month. No romantic aspirations whatsoever.
At lunch we didn't talk about jobs at all and she seemed TOTALLY different than her reputation. At the office she had a reputation for being standoffish and a bit high strung. Then again, as an attractive single woman working in a Wall Street firm, you better have your guard up because most of the guys are sharks. At lunch though, she was funny and sweet and we really got along. I got that "thing" in my stomach, but being separated only a few weeks, just wasn't ready to go there.
We hung out platonically a few more times until mid October when I just felt the need to have that talk. You know that one: I really like you but I'm just not ready for anything and want to be up front with you. She was completely understanding. That lasted a week! The couch was calling :) Things escalated quickly and by spring we were starting to discuss long term. We also were having occasional blow ups, mostly as it related to Ex's parenting style (or lack there of) and about how to deal with Ex. In hindsight, too much too fast. Mid summer we decided to call it off, which was disappointing for me and M. They had been introduced in late March. Hot Girl was incredible with her...everything my Ex was not.
The pressure of a new divorce wore on us and eventually wore us out. After taking a few months off, we started talking again in September. We both took responsibility for our parts in the difficult times (again, something Ex was never able to do and something that's extremely important for me). The spark was still there and we decided (after some very, very long and open discussions) to start seeing eachother again. This time though, while we're committed to seeing only eachother, we're keeping the marriage discussion out of it...for now. I've yet to reintroduce her to M simply because I want to make sure it's going to stick this time. M misses her and asks about her sometimes but I explain that Hot Girl is still our friend but can't see us right now.
Here's the rub: Hot Girl is 37, no kids, never married. Red flag? Maybe. She has her trust issues and is pretty guarded. I'm not, AT ALL and like an emotionally open relationship. The more I let her in though, the less I see those issues. And we discuss this quite a bit. I trust first and wait to be disproved. She distrusts first and SLOWLY lets people in. I want more kids and she really, really wants to be married and have kids also with the right person. I just feel that I need to take my time and make sure this is right before taking that step. Great, great girl. I'm just trying to see if I can deal with her coping style in stressful situations versus mine as well as the differences in our "spiritual" sides. We're coming from different in both aspects there, which isn't necessarily bad, but the sides may not be compatible. Yet to be determined. Other than that we line up on just about everything. Those two things, though, are HUGE for me and were missing in my marriage. I don't want to get stuck in a situation again were there's no way to discuss differences and no spiritual connection. Time will tell I guess.
For now, I have two lives with a 3 foot girlfriend half the week and a 5' 7" girlfriend the other half. We see how it goes.
Happy Monday everyone! It's a short week. :)
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12 comments:
Hmmm.... love Saturday afternoons with couch sex and college football. That sounds SOOOO nice.
Secondly, do you know what you're *must haves* & *deal breakers* are when it comes to relationships? It is definitely much easier to decide these things when you're not already involved with someone, believe me. However, you do sound like some things are very important to you as they were missing in your last relationship.
I also know that just because you're different (believe me, Rascal and I are different in MANY ways), doesn't mean it can't work. Perhaps you just agree to disagree?
Sounds like a nice weekend and a really great girl. Looking forward to reading more about her!
Great post. This line cracked me up:
"I'm not one to fish off the company pier..."
Yes, a guy who's in his 40s and has NEVER been married has also been a huge red flag for me. I hear you. But she's not 40 yet. And having lived a long time in NYC, waiting until your late 30s to get married seems to be the norm.
Hahaha, you crack me up.
My friends and I are the loudest in restaurants, as we will usually laugh about our dating exploits and talk about other stuff like girl issues.
Just because Ms. Hotty is 37 and never been married isn't necessarily a red flag. You are in New York for Gods sake, I hear that dating is way harder than other states.Especially in the financial district. How do you expect her to find a serious relationship in a busy environment like that ? Maybe she really never found the right man and stuck to her guns and never settled.
I am in her position, even though I am younger. (I've only had one relationship) I fear that men will judge me the way they probably judge her and not even really give me a chance, and just spend their time looking for what is wrong with me. Just because I don't have old relationship trophies such as a divorce and children.
It is possible she never wanted children until a couple of years ago and is just discovering what she's been missing.
I just hope you give her a chance while keeping an eye out for those red flags.
37, female, and still single? In today's world? Absolutely not a red flag. And I'm sure you'll be taking some heat for your "red flag" remark over at singlemommyhood, too - because BigCityDad, it remains extraordinarily difficult if you are a woman to find a man who is "suitable," much less, someone you could love, who loves you back.
And it is much harder for women precisely because the age prejudice which is so culturally ingrained puts enormous pressure on women to marry when perhaps they shouldn't.
Add in the fact of schooling, working on one's career, and being in the Big Apple or vicinity?
No red flag. If she had told you she was 32, would you even think twice? No.
So stow that prejudice, Good Man. It's a non-event, as long as you see no other signs that worry you relative to how the two of you interact, or she is/was with M.
Meanwhile, do remember that transitional relationships are called "transitional" for a reason. If you two are really good together - take it nice and easy. It all sounds quite lovely.
BLW
Well said BLW. I should note that if a girlfriend of mine was dating a man who was the same age and never married, I'd also tell her that's a Red Flag. Just my opinion but if someone isn't willing to dip their toe into the commitment water by late 30's, I begin to wonder why. So for me, that applies to men and women. Maybe I should clarify in my next post. I have several guy friends in their early 40's and never married. LOVE those guys and they are tremendous friends. I would NEVER, however, set them up with a girl friend or my sister.
I agree that 37 y/o female who is still single and never married is absolutely NOT a red flag. I do however, think a man who is 40+ with the same criteria IS a red flag. Why? Just like you said, you yourself wouldn't set them up with a friend or sister. Gender does make a difference here.
Timing is EVERYTHING in a relationship. I think it's great that you two can give it another chance and respect the situation for what it is now. Rushing into something before the ink is dry on a divorce never seems to work out well.
Good luck, dude.
37, never married, no kids? - No problem. There are tons of women like that in Silicon Valley. Women put their careers first these days.
My only caution is meeting someone while your processing a divorce. That is a lot to go through, and sometimes that person is more our support system at the moment than our long term partner. Sounds like you two have gone through some together and apart time, and keep getting back together. Enjoy it.
Hey there - I'm a new reader, just commenting for the first time.
I'm currently working through a situation similar to what you are describing. Being newly separated has it's challenges in the dating department. Now that things are more settled for you, the relationship can progress much more naturally.
Timing IS everything, and it sounds like you are navigating the waters very much aware of the challenges but open to the possibilities!
Great post.
enjoyed your post!! Thanks for stopping by my site...I loved your 'about me'. YOU spoke to my heart...my journey!! look forward to reading more!
I'm not saying that not being married is a red flag, but I understand why you might consider it one. That's something I worry about with men also. Again, not saying I should, or that you should, but I understand where you're coming from.
I look forward to hearing more about her.
I would say that being divorced is more of a red flag than Never have been married. Just saying.
Sounds like she is a great girl with a lot of the same goals, etc as you. Plus if her and your daughter love each other, that is a huge plus.
Good luck
Would you prefer she'd been divorced twice and had three kids of her own? :D
I don't know...37 is still young and maybe back in the day it might have been a red flag. My take? I would consider it a red flag only if there were other indicators of an inability to connect, commit or be reliable and authentic in relationship. That doesn't sound like what is happening here. These days I think many people, not just women, are waiting much later to marry for all sorts of reasons. Education, careers, not wanting to make the wrong choice, are just a few.
My vibe simply from reading your post and knowing nothing about you at all except for the posts I've read here...you might just be onto a good thing here.
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