Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'm So Angry I Could Puke


OK kids. Today's post is going to be nothing but venting. Ex has done some F'd up things but this takes the cake. Why I'm surprised I have not idea. Given her track record, I should have seen it coming.
I posted the other day that I was going to have to renegotiate our support agreement due to my decrease in income. I'm down 35% from the year we drew up our agreement, so legally I'm entitled. I've suspected for a long time that Ex was doing significantly better than she was letting on. Today, I found out how much. See, she moved into a new apartment last week. She told me she had found the incredible deal and that it would give M much more room and would be a better environment. Great! I really am glad for the both of them. What got under my skin though, was when I saw the apartment. By Manhattan standards, it's ginormous. Given what Ex tells me she's making and what I'm paying in support, I just couldn't see how she could afford it. Turns out that she can't.
See, in Manhattan, you need to earn about 40x your monthly rent in order to qualify for a rental. Sick, I know. That's why people live in such small places and a lot of the times can't afford to buy. Total scam. So, I was wondering how Ex could pay for this...so I Googled the building. A realtor has the exact same apartment listed in her building for...get this...$5,200 per month! Not per year, per month! At that rate, Ex would have to be earning over $200,000 per year to qualify. She tells me, as recently as yesterday, that she's earning $60,000. NOT POSSIBLE! How the hell does she think she's going to get away with this and how stupid does she think I am? So, not only am I due a decrease due to my income dropping a huge amount, hers apparently has more than tripled without a word from her. I'm going broke and she continues to collect a ridiculous amount of money from me each month. I'm thoroughly disgusted with her.
On top of this, the private school thing continues. Miss M so far has been rejected by two schools (who could reject my baby? grrrrr....), accepted by two, and we're waiting to hear from 3. The two she was accepted to: $14,000 per year and $20,000 per year!!!! I can't afford it, I really can't. The deadline to accept offers is next Tuesday and I hadn't heard from the other 3 so I decided to call. One of the schools, which Ex seems to be really against because it's Catholic, told me that they left two messages for her last week for us to come in for the final phase. Ex conveniently never let me know about this. This school costs $6,000 per year. That I can swing.
In an argument I had with Ex yesterday over money (of course), she failed not only to tell me about her new found financial success but also didn't mention at all that the school had called her. Even worse, she got pissy with me when I told her that I can't afford the $20,000 a year school which is, of course, her first choice. With the short time, the Catholic school can't get us in until next Wednesday...one day AFTER the other schools have to hear and take a none refundable deposit of $5,000. So, do I bet on the Catholic school or do I pay money for a school I know I can't afford? SO shitty on all levels...
My daughter lives with me half the time. Ex and I have equal shared custody. Per our agreement, neither parent is considered the "custodial parent" except in that I pay support. All decisions have to be mutual and consensual. This is a TOTAL breach of all of this. What's worse, Ex apparently doesn't care that I can't afford to care for her daughter as long as she gets to live in her palatial apartment and spend gobs of money.
Trust me, I'll be the first to congratulate Ex if her business takes off and she makes a ton of dough. It's her lifelong dream and can only make my daughter's life more comfortable when she's with her mother. To do it at my expense, regardless of the financial straights it puts me in, however, is irresponsible, dishonest, and disgusting. I really feel like I'm going to throw up.
We have an appointment with the therapist next week to discuss all of this. I'm going to try and remain calm but it's going to be really hard. Wish me luck friends and most of all, wish me calmness and composure. I'm going to need all the help I can get. Thanks.

17 comments:

This Daddy said...

Man, I am so happy that I am not in your shoes, man I would be in jail by now. Just breathe. I can't tell you how to handle this stuff since I have nevver been through it, but to relieve the anger, you could do any number of things.
1. Make mad crazy love to the hot girlfriend
2. Batting cage
3. Get some lotion and a sock
4. Gym
5. Just realize that you are a better person than she is and later in life it will all come back around.

maddismomma said...

wow... that is unbelievable...the word GREEDY comes to mind.. remind her that since your daughter is with you half of the time... while she is making a comfortable life for her daughter when she is with her... she is taking away from the other half of her life during the time she lives with you... I honestly couldn't even imagine doing that to the DONKEY!!! There has to be a way to resovle this..I would imagine that there is no way she would be able to hide her income when you go to re negotiate payments... greedy greedy greedy woman! I hope there is some resolve in your meeting... thinking calm composed thoughts for you...

Mass Hole Mommy said...

Wow, why do you guys live there if it costs so much? Damn. And is it preschool for your daughter? Even $6000 is off the charts high by MA standards. Maybe you guys should move to Boston.

badmummynocookie said...

That's just bizarre. Why are you paying support at all? As far as I know in Ontario (Canada), if the child is with the 'other' parent at least 40% of the time, no support is paid at all. Why are you in the position of having to support your ex's lifestyle if she doesn't have M any more than you do. Hell...you should be able to get support from her!

Sarah said...

I don't understand how a person can be so comfortable with lying and ripping people off. It is cases like this that make me HOPE TO GOD that karma is real. I know you have the school to decide on soon but would it be possible to request a court date to re-negotiate your support AND talk about expenses for school? If it IS possible, I would call the Catholic school and ask them for a short statement about trying to get ahold of Ex. I would then ask that Ex be ordered to provide salary information and THEN I would ask that Ex be responsible to pay for M's school costs. Actually, I would ask that Ex be ordered to pay YOU support. This is so sad, maddening, and disgusting. You have every right to be VERY irate but please do try to be calm, it seems like the calmer someone is, the better things turn out in the end for them. It is the people that lose their heads that end up with the short end of the stick. I would really be pushing for a court date if possible. YUCK!

MindyMom said...

I feel for you, I really do. I have also had my ex gain at my expense - significantly. And he does it with no regard for the kids.

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

The Pipster said...

Some lotion and a sock? Why do you need a sock? Sorry to digress. I wish you all the calm and composure that you can handle. Best, Pippi

Senorita said...

Good luck, I feel so bad for you. You don't deserve this.

Brittany said...

I am sending you BIG hugs and prayers! What a frusterating situation! I hope things go well, and that you two can get things figured out. I really hope that she can be honest with you. It isn't fair to you or M. She is just causing you to be hostile towards her. No amount of money is worth the peace between you. Hopefuly she'll figure that out!

Praying for you!

Tom Wall said...

WOW. I am not sure what to say bro, other than - coffee?

Danielle said...

You definitely need to go back to court and get stuff changed quickly. Wishing you luck with it all!

BigLittleWolf said...

Having been on the other side of this coin for many years, and unable to fight successfully - I say fight now. While you can, but smartly.

jenn said...

Wow. Hate that you're having to deal with all this. No advice, but good luck, I hope it works out.

mommasunshine said...

Ugh. Sorry that you're going through this right now. I've got nothing useful to offer you at the moment, just lots of positive vibes. *hugs*

Swati said...

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear all of this. Our ex's are definitely related.

My 2 cents: Don't commit to a school you cannot afford - no judge will make you do it and you can tell her that. Plus yanking your daughter out in a year will be bad for her - an abrupt change. Unless...your ex agrees to take over all school payments, in writing. I believe you ask for a full financial statement from her as part of the renegotiation of child support.

Regular negotiation tactics don't work on this kind of personality. Making boundaries black and white is the only thing that has come close to working for me - but as you know, nothing ever feels like a victory with this stuff. When you are the reasonable one who truly cares about your child, mustering up the energy to deal with the ex's is exhausting.

To note, a single dad pal of mine who has a 21 year old and 15 year old now sees something wonderful - both girls see how their mom has used child support and alimony to try to cripple him; both see how generous he's been; both are disgusted by their mom. So - I bet your daughter will know who the real parent is one day.

Good luck - I wish you well-
Swati

dadshouse said...

That sucks if she's making a ton more money and didn't say a word. My ex and I stay as far away from financial fights as possible. We do get into problems sometimes when she makes decisions without consulting me, but those have really gotten few and far between. Ten years of divorce will do that. Time heals.

Hope things go better for you soon.

Just telling it like it is said...

Gosh I feel so bad for you...Ummm I need to visit NYC...I don't care how much money you have...and she would be blessed to go to a private school all together...I'm so not liking the Ex..

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