Thursday, February 18, 2010

Do I Say Something?

That picture has nothing to do with today's topic. Guess guys just like monkeys. We identify, you know?

Last Friday night, Ex and I switched nights. Earlier in the week, she told me that she had a work trip to go on and wouldn't be able to take her usual Friday with Miss M. She asked for the following Thursday (tonight) in exchange for last Friday. No problema I thought: means I get so see Miss M 3 nights in a row (Wed, Thurs, Fri) on a week when I usually wouldn't have her for the weekend and only miss out on a Thursday when I get home from work late anyway.

I had a couple things to switch out though to make it work: I have a standing every other Friday night appointment with my personal therapist. LOVE this guy. He understood and changed the appt for me. Also, since it was Valentines weekend, Hot Girl and I were going to get together Friday night after my appt and spend the weekend together. She understood, as always, and we caught up Saturday around lunch time for the rest of the weekend. The plan was that I drop of Miss M at her mothers at 9 AM Saturday morning.

So, we arrive at Ex's place Ex. I asked the doorman if he had seen her that morning (he starts his shift at 7 AM) and he said no. Strange. I'm just about to call Ex when she comes running in the front door. "Oh, sorry I'm late." Funny thing is, she's wearing jeans, obviously hadn't slept all night (I was with the woman for 6 years, you get to know these things), and she was carrying a sweatshirt that said "xxxxx Athletics" with the xxx standing for the college where Married Guy she's having the affair with went to (same guy she cheated with while we where married). I'm pissed, seriously, but didn't say anything.

She asked if we could come upstairs so that she could give me some paperwork for Miss M's school. We did. I was totally silent except with Miss M. When we got there, M ran into her room and Ex asked, "Is something wrong? You seem tense."


I kept my composure, said nothing was wrong, hugged Miss M, and left.

Here's my issue: switches WILL happen, I get that. I was TOTALLY accommodating on juggling the schedule a few weeks ago when Ex's father died. Why wouldn't I be? Here though, she blatantly lied about a work trip so that she could see Married Guy. Set aside for a minute that he's the guy she cheated with...I juggled my schedule, my therapist's, and Hot Girl's FOR THAT?

Should I say something? I really feel I need to.

Here's the thing: we're getting along really well right now...not buddy buddy, but the private school application thing is going as smooth as I could possibly want. I really don't want to rock that boat. At the same time, she needs to respect my time and tell me the truth when it comes to reasons for switches. She KNOWS that I'll jump at any chance to see M more, but switches involve other people as well, who also deserve respect.

What do you think people? Do I say something and if so, how do I approach it?


Mass Hole Mommy said...

I don't know if it would even do any good to say anything. It was clearly more important to her to get laid and ya will probably happen again.

The Pipster said...

Let it go. It's a good thing that you are getting along really well right now, especially for Miss M. Even if you need to right letter after scathing letter on this blog. I will read it, your followers will read it. Just let it pass. Just my two cents. -Pippi

ShellSpann said...

In my experience, it doesn't do any good to say anything. If I were you, I'd just bite my tongue.

Anonymous said...

I think you would have to confirm your suspicions before/if you say anything. Ask her how the trip went, where it was. Whether she brought anything back for Miss M. Hell, ask her to send Miss M postcards from her work trips or fridge magnets from the place she's been.

Mess with her head. It's cheap entertainment.

MindyMom said...

I agree with the others and LOVE badmummy's idea too. Be as sincere as you can when you mess with her head but save it for next time cuz the moment has passed on this one. ;)

Senorita said...

Honestly, you're dealing with private schools in New York. If that is going smoothly and things work out for Miss M, that is all you could want, right ? Confronting her at this point isn't going to do any good. It's not like she's going to change.

Your ex is always going to lie, do you plan to get into it every time she does ?

I think you're going to have to let it go. After all, you divorced her for a reason.

And all I have to say for her banging Married Guy is that karma is about to bite her in the ass anyday now !

Sarah said...

this is a tough one. it sucks if she IS lying about work trips because then when she REALLY does have one, how will you know. you don't want your daughter to suffer because her mom is a liar. i would just ask for proof next time without being obvious. asking questions about her work trip and asking her to bring M something should be able to tell then if she is lying again. if it happens again I would say something. I HATE CHEATERS! EWWWWW!

BigLittleWolf said...

I like the idea of asking about the trip. (Good thinking, badmummy!) But if you can confirm what you suspect (and perhaps, even if you cannot), I'm going to take an opposing viewpoint.

I am coming at this from the perspective of not speaking up throughout a long-term marriage, and not speaking up when my ex would disregard pretty much whatever he chose to (still does), and for many years, in the interest of keeping peace, I said nothing. Big mistake.

Your situation is not mine. But you have many years ahead of you that you will be sharing the raising of your daughter. I suggest at least attempting a very measured, calm, unemotional conversation on the subject of when "schedule switches" are reasonable, and when they are not. The key here is to keep the emotion out of it (not easy).

Only you know if this is a lost cause, or if she's someone who, as the saying goes, "you give them an inch and they take a mile."

Or, you simply make a decision to never be accommodating again. Short of death, and proof thereof.

As for all the comments about Karma, I don't happen to believe it. If you hold some power (and you do), you are going to have to make your own Karma. I do believe in putting Miss M's interests first. And while getting along well with her mother (for now) is a very good thing, being slowly taken advantage of (and building resentment) is not. And eventually, that will affect your daughter.

My two cents, to add to the pot.

T said...

Do you speak up?

Well, are you absolutely positive about your suspicion? Can you actually speak honestly and openly to her instead of playing a mind game? She may be depending on passive-aggressive behavior from you. That behavior may be enabling her to continue lying and having her way.

If you wish to no longer allow her to do that - since we do teach people how to treat us - then I say definitely ask the questions...

Did you go on a work trip or did you see your bf?

If you saw your bf, I would appreciate your honesty in the matter. I may or may not be able to accommodate you but I will respect your honesty to me. Can you give me that much please?

It may make her defensive and uncomfortable, especially if you can approach this calmly, confidently and without anger. Remember, she is used to another type of behavior, more than likely.

I say yes. Say what you feel without blaming.

This Daddy said...

Hard to say man since I don't know what it is like to deal with an ex. Sometimes I think it is easier to avoid a headache then to get rid of one.

The problem is that you are now getting along and that is key to the relationship with Miss M


Ask her if she is now doing business with the boyfriend.

Does she have a car. If so I will repo it for you.

Big City Dad said...

Dude, that answer made my day!!!

Danielle said...

I think the point is that you got to spend time with Ms.M. You already knew she was a cheat and a liar. Take her for what she is and enjoy your daughter.

Anonymous said...

I like T's answer here. I would go that route with a twist - as in, you don't have to specifically ask her what she did, just make a point of letting her know that you're not stupid/oblivious, and you won't let yourself be treated as such... something along the lines of "look... I have no problem compromising on our schedule when either of us have issues or plans. But there have been times that I felt you were being dishonest with me, specifically this last weekend. It doesn't matter at this point where you were or what you did, but I would appreciate your honesty in the future."

Just my thoughts.

jenn said...

Since I don't have to deal with custody issues with my ex (thank God!), I don't know the best way to handle this. But it's been interesting reading everyone's suggestions. Both sides have some good points. I definitely wouldn't allow her to continue to do this, without saying something. Whether or not you should say something this time, I don't know...

Nicki said...

Gotta tell you, there's some good advice here. (Aren't you lucky to have such a wise and wonderful blog family?)

Sometimes you have to asses the relationship with the ex and wonder if things are going well because you are being a doormat while she walks all over you, or if she is genuinely trying to meet you halfway. It's a challenge. I hate fighting with the ex. There's no real reason for it anymore and I avoid it as much as possible, but when I know I'm being walked on, taken advantage of, and lied to...I generally confront him...calmly and rationally.

Eventually you will get to a point where Miss M is older and sees what's happening. She'll know if you are being generous or disrespected. And you don't want it to change her views of you.

Best of luck mucking through this challenging situation. No envy here.

Tom Wall said...

There is a time and a place for everything. It becomes less of a question about if you should say something, but rather when. Maybe wait until after the private school thing is settled.

L.A. Single Mama said...

My ex would go ballistic and make all our lives miserable if I confronted him on something like this. In order to keep the peace, I don't question too much -- especially if I need something from him for our child (like his cooperation for getting into school). I'd ask a million questions about the trip too -- so that he would know that I knew he didn't go on a trip. At least with my ex, he'd be more conservative about pulling that crap again. Gotta work the system that works for you (and your child) if you have a nutcase ex.

AngryDad said...

Hey man, just stumbled across your blog, good stuff. I'd just bite my tongue until other matters are settled. At least YOUR Ex showed up with clothes on after a night out, long story. I'd like to add you to my blogroll if you don't mind and if you get a chance hop on over to

Arizona Mamma said...

This is my first time here, and I am digging the Daddy bloggers for a change of pace!

In answer to your question, I first have a question. Are you more pissed about the fact that she was with the guy or that you had to change up your schedule? I ask because I think the natural reaction would be to be upset over who she was with, and you would want to lash out over it. One way to look at it though, is you got more time with your child. Does it matter so much why? BUT, if you are just angry about who she was with because it still stings, then I would say something. I would tell her it's not cool to rub it in your face that way, especially after lying about where she had actually been.

In the end though, before you really decide...ask yourself if any good will come of it. I say that from my own experience. My husband has a crazy ex-wife, and a lot of times he wants to say something to her, and I talk him out of it....simply because I know she has the resaoning skills of a five year old.

Anonymous said...

This is a tough one and there are pros and cons to speaking up and/or staying silent. Since, I'm late to the game, you've likely already decided on this one so my input won't matter. I'm going to share it anyway, because what I did worked for me and I totally do not get jerked around by my ex. It might be something for you to think about if this continues to be a problem.
Early on, I could see that he was going to try this same switching around thing and for my ex it was going to be last minute always. "Oh the family is in from out of town, etc., etc. and we'd like to have the daughter for our big fun time we are having." Then the whammy, he'd actually tell the daughter it was all going down at a time when she was scheduled to be with me and thus create a big conflict and putting me in the place of being the Bad Mom, when I said no.
So, this is what I did. I told him that he had the parenting time schedule for a year in advance and that I would absolutely not give up any of my time or adjust my schedule for surprise visits from family. I then followed this up with if you want to adjust the schedule that's fine, I will keep daughter and you lose the time, I won't play make up with you. I also agreed to the same format when I had to be out of town. Of course, I was much more diplomatic to him than I am conveying here, and it was all business and no emotion. I also put it in writing. I've really had no problems since then and it has been almost four years now. It's not an easy call ever. I do feel for you and Miss M.

P.S. Your "venting" is earning you yet another award over at my blog. Look for it! Thanks for keeping it real here. I love that!

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