Mission Accomplished

So we had the meeting between HG and Ex on Wednesday with the Child Therapist there to mediate. First thing I can say in this whole process that went exactly the way I would have scripted it. Prior to the appointment, I sent an email the CT and outlined what we'd like covered and what would be appropriate and what was off limits:

Appropriate

• HG's experience with kids;


• Ground rules for communication and/or conflict resolution


• How the other is discussed when talking to M

OFF Limits

• HG's and my relationship


• HG's personal life away from M

I also mentioned that if Ex demonstrated an ability to stay within boundaries over time then maybe we could broaden the relationship, but until then we'd like to keep the discussion M focused to avoid any conflict. CT agreed to mention this as well.

So, CT brought up each topic, Ex pontificated about her greatness as a Mommy and spouted a lot of crap about how she was totally an agreeable, honest person and only wished us the best. HG and I occasionally nodded or gave a SHORT response but mostly we let CT guide the process. Ex talked for most of the time, as expected. Whatever. All I heard was the Charlie Brown teacher voice. Remember that? "Wah, wah-wah, wah, waaaaaah..."

Important in all of this was CT being very adamant that Ex and I are the parents and any conflict, communication, decisions are to stay with us. There should be no contact between HG and Ex unless I am first informed. HG will get a say with me because I trust her, but the two of them shouldn't discuss/fight about any issues. Of course, HG has ZERO desire to have a direct line of communication so that's totally cool with me. Why should both of us suffer needlessly?

The point of this meeting was so Ex would have been given the courtesy to meet the woman who is going to spend significant time with her child...TOTALLY legit. Of course, it accomplished a second point: after we got out, HG called me and asked "How in the world did you stay married to that woman for so long? She never shuts up and only talks about herself. Is it always about her?" BINGO!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Sad thing, besides us having to share a child of course, is that when I met her she wasn't like that. Not sure what caused the complete narcissistic delusional break from reality, but it gets worse and worse as time goes on.

My big fear was a total cat fight. I wouldn't expect HG to participate...she has way too much grace and poise for that, but Ex has no "off switch" and pushes people past places they never thought they'd go. I assured HG that I'd step in (or CT would) if this happened, but she just didn't want to deal. Who can blame her? Don't get me wrong, she's no wilting flower and can run intellectual circles around Ex, but no one can handle the craziness. Fortunately we didn't have to go there.

In all seriousness, I'd recommend a meeting of this sort for any shared custody co-parents who are introducing a significant other to their child. It established firm ground rules for communication, gave Ex the courtesy of meeting someone who appears to be headed toward being a significant figure in her child's life, and set the precedent that that type of behavior should be reciprocated. It's SO hard to take the high road when your Ex is such a douche bag, but you know, it helps to defuse some of the douche baggery before it even starts, which can only benefit Miss M.

All right kids. Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Yes, I'm Alive

Hey kids. Long time no talk. Between all that I had going on the last few weeks with finding Miss M a school, the Ex's financial hi jinx, re-establishing things with Hot Girl (that's going exceptionally well), and my job, I've been either too tired, too busy, or just too plain lazy to write. So, in honor of "I'm Alive," a picture of Baby Alive. Nothing like a doll that sh*ts all over your house. Who thinks of stuff like that?

Anyhow, here's the latest:

We've enrolled Miss M in school. One of the more expensive ones unfortunately, but for what she needs (strong language focus), the proximity to my apartment (literally, a 300 yard walk), and the fact that Ex agreed to foot half the bill, it was the best decision given the options that were available to us. What tipped it over the edge for me was that Ex also agreed to pay her own nanny care going forward. Saves me a TON of money and given that she offered it, I have to say I'm appreciative.

I'm not sure if Ex offered this because she knows I'm on to her and her finances or just to be nice, but given that it's a big step in the right direction, I figured I'd not look a gift horse in the mouth. Baby steps, right? We sat in front of the child therapist and discussed all the school options, including costs, so this gave me an opportunity to lay out my whole financial picture. I decided not to get into "accusing" Ex of anything and to just focus on my side of the street. Seems she heard me and is giving me breaks here and there. Yup, guess there's a person in there somewhere.

Hot Girl and I have also been getting on extremely well. After my post The Dilemma a few weeks ago, I decided to take a brutally honest path and just tell her EVERYTHING I was thinking. Have to say, she took it like a trooper and what transpired was a couple weeks of very long talks. The result though: we both feel like the other is the best friend and our communication is more open than ever. Honestly, I've never had this in a relationship before. Ex and I were never best friends. Huge step for both HG and me. While we have some differences, we have mostly the same values when it comes to family and kids, we're willing to sacrifice personal things for those values, we laugh a lot, and the sex is still phenomenal. Can't ask for much more than that, right?

So, after more discussions with her, my parents, my friends, and my shrink, I decided it was time...to reintroduce M to Hot Girl this past weekend. We did it at the playground with tons of other kids and parents around just to keep it low key. They got along great (as expected) and after I said, "M, we have to go upstairs and get dinner" she looked at Hot Girl and said "You want come to my house for dinner?" How could we refuse that? The next morning, M woke up, came into my room and said "Daddy, [Hot Girl] go to zoo with us today?" Can't say no again.

So, with that, we've decided it's also time to introduce HG to Ex. One of the things we agreed to in child therapy was that when the relationship got serious enough that the new boyfriend/girlfriend would be spending significant time with M, we'd arrange a meeting. Just to keep it neutral, I requested we do it at the therapist's office, so tomorrow at 1 PM is the big intro! I'm a little nervous as Ex has a propensity for saying inappropriate things at just the right moment and for being confrontational. HG and I have decided that if this occurs, she'll just defer to me and I'll take care of it. Seem the best way to handle things, right?

So, overall things are pretty good. Have a little financial relief which was drastically needed, M has a new school, and HG is in the picture for the foreseeable future. Next up...I need to get to the gym. Daddy is getting a bit pudgy. One thing at a time, right?

Talk soon everyone!

I'm So Angry I Could Puke

OK kids. Today's post is going to be nothing but venting. Ex has done some F'd up things but this takes the cake. Why I'm surprised I have not idea. Given her track record, I should have seen it coming.

I posted the other day that I was going to have to renegotiate our support agreement due to my decrease in income. I'm down 35% from the year we drew up our agreement, so legally I'm entitled. I've suspected for a long time that Ex was doing significantly better than she was letting on. Today, I found out how much. See, she moved into a new apartment last week. She told me she had found the incredible deal and that it would give M much more room and would be a better environment. Great! I really am glad for the both of them. What got under my skin though, was when I saw the apartment. By Manhattan standards, it's ginormous. Given what Ex tells me she's making and what I'm paying in support, I just couldn't see how she could afford it. Turns out that she can't.

See, in Manhattan, you need to earn about 40x your monthly rent in order to qualify for a rental. Sick, I know. That's why people live in such small places and a lot of the times can't afford to buy. Total scam. So, I was wondering how Ex could pay for this...so I Googled the building. A realtor has the exact same apartment listed in her building for...get this...$5,200 per month! Not per year, per month! At that rate, Ex would have to be earning over $200,000 per year to qualify. She tells me, as recently as yesterday, that she's earning $60,000. NOT POSSIBLE! How the hell does she think she's going to get away with this and how stupid does she think I am? So, not only am I due a decrease due to my income dropping a huge amount, hers apparently has more than tripled without a word from her. I'm going broke and she continues to collect a ridiculous amount of money from me each month. I'm thoroughly disgusted with her.

On top of this, the private school thing continues. Miss M so far has been rejected by two schools (who could reject my baby? grrrrr....), accepted by two, and we're waiting to hear from 3. The two she was accepted to: $14,000 per year and $20,000 per year!!!! I can't afford it, I really can't. The deadline to accept offers is next Tuesday and I hadn't heard from the other 3 so I decided to call. One of the schools, which Ex seems to be really against because it's Catholic, told me that they left two messages for her last week for us to come in for the final phase. Ex conveniently never let me know about this. This school costs $6,000 per year. That I can swing.

In an argument I had with Ex yesterday over money (of course), she failed not only to tell me about her new found financial success but also didn't mention at all that the school had called her. Even worse, she got pissy with me when I told her that I can't afford the $20,000 a year school which is, of course, her first choice. With the short time, the Catholic school can't get us in until next Wednesday...one day AFTER the other schools have to hear and take a none refundable deposit of $5,000. So, do I bet on the Catholic school or do I pay money for a school I know I can't afford? SO shitty on all levels...

My daughter lives with me half the time. Ex and I have equal shared custody. Per our agreement, neither parent is considered the "custodial parent" except in that I pay support. All decisions have to be mutual and consensual. This is a TOTAL breach of all of this. What's worse, Ex apparently doesn't care that I can't afford to care for her daughter as long as she gets to live in her palatial apartment and spend gobs of money.

Trust me, I'll be the first to congratulate Ex if her business takes off and she makes a ton of dough. It's her lifelong dream and can only make my daughter's life more comfortable when she's with her mother. To do it at my expense, regardless of the financial straights it puts me in, however, is irresponsible, dishonest, and disgusting. I really feel like I'm going to throw up.

We have an appointment with the therapist next week to discuss all of this. I'm going to try and remain calm but it's going to be really hard. Wish me luck friends and most of all, wish me calmness and composure. I'm going to need all the help I can get. Thanks.

Coming Up for Air

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been absent for almost two weeks. Needless to say there's been a lot going on and I've been too tired to write.

The school search for Miss M continues. Ex and I have been getting along pretty well during this process. A small blow up happened in front of M which made her cry though. Of course, it was about finances and the cost of schools. We haven't resolved it yet, but once M started to cry we both backed off and gave the little one a hug. Sucked. Poor baby has no idea what's going on and our behavior didn't help. Still, she's doing well all things considered.

We've visited 7 schools and like a few. M has to get accepted of course, which isn't an easy feat in NYC. It's very competitive. We tried to pick schools that didn't have that type of selection process or competitive atmosphere (we're talking 4 year old kindergarten after all), but each did want to meet M and have her play with the current kids there for an hour or so. She did great with her outgoing personality and seemed to really have fun. Now we're just waiting to hear back. Keep you fingers crossed.

The second thing going in is finances, which of course is related. When Ex and I put together our financial arrangement, I was making about 40% more than I am now, so the child support and alimony is set up to fit that. Now, with the economy, the demise of my sector of finance, and my company slowly going out of business, I've burned through most of my savings and can't afford to pay that for much longer. I've tried to discuss this with Ex but she's not hearing me. At the same time, her financial situation has gotten a lot better. She picked up a business partner who's putting private equity into her company and it looks like things are taking off. She's since moved into a more expensive apartment, made several big ticket purchases, and done quite a bit of traveling. I, on the other hand, am up to my eyeballs in debt.

So, she's making more money, I'm making way less. Just over 18 months into our agreement, it seems to make sense to readjust things before I go broke. I've discussed this with my therapist who's agreed to try and mediate something so that we don't end up in court. Looks like that's coming to a head next week. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck there because I'm really going to need it. I have not doubt that if we go to court that there will be a reduction in what I pay, but why pay lawyers to get this done? Hopefully she'll be reasonable. One can hope, right?

That's the latest folks. Keep an eye on me. I could use the help.

Today's Beautiful Blogger Awards Go To...

So, after being gifted with the Beautiful Blogger Award by Scott at This Daddy's Blog, I revealed seven things about myself that you all didn't know. The next step is to bestow this award to some of our cyber friends. Here are a few newer ones I've stumbled on that I really like:

1. Brittney at Unexpected Surprises - She amazes me as a young 20's single Mommy doing this whole thing by herself. Her ability to stay true to her ideals and trust in God I find incredibly inspiring.


2. Swati at The Single Mother Chronicles - Incredibly insightful, smart, and always positive, she always gives me something to think about and includes touching stories about her little girl.


3. That One Mom at Only Parent Chronicles - She is a widowed mother of two who has some really funny and touching things to say. If you haven't read it, her post 100 Random Questions Answered By Me... do, it is really great.


4. The Divorced Guy at The Diary of a Divorced Guy - Dude, all I can say is I totally relate


5. That Darn Girl at, well, That Darn Girl - A witty, smart, and definitely sexy nurse who also gives us the occasional boob shot. THANK YOU.


6. Sarah at That's What She Said! - She's a worker at a juvenile detention center in the Midwest. Proof that not all of us are in it for the buck.


7. The Girl Next Door at Next Door 2 My Ex - Because, just from the title she deserves an award!!! You've GOT to be kidding!


8. Lauren at My Life, Incomplete - She's a leader in the Single Parent CyberWorld who provides great advice and support for us all.


9. MaddisMomma at Little Miss Maddie Moo - Moo is a such a cutie pie! Right in the middle of the custody/visitation battle (still), MaddisMomma really reminds me of how hard that process was and how to handle it with grace.


10. Mon at Holistic Mama - She does it the natural way. For a guy living in the Big City, I find that completely fascinating.

So, new awardees, if you choose to accept this, the typical way is to post the above award in your blog, tell us seven things about yourself we don't know, and then bestow this award on 10 new blogs you've stumbled across that you find interesting and worthy of such an honor, and inform them!

Best of luck!

I'm a Sugar Doll! And Ten Things You Don't Know About Me

Well, it looks like I'm a lucky boy again! Our friend D. A. Wolf over at Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy has bestowed on me the

As D.A. describes it, the Sugar Doll is bestowed for delightful and thought-provoking writing. Nice to know my griping has had a positive effect on someone! What started out as a place to vent has turned into so much more.

Nothing comes for free however, Apparently I'm supposed to start a list of Ten Things You Don’t Know About Me, because, after all, aren't we trying to get acquainted? And then I need to find one or more other writers to share the pleasure of receiving the Sugar Doll Award. I'll do that in a post later this week. Mucho research to do!

So, without further to do, here's me in a nutshell. They are different form when Scott over at This Daddy's Blog gifted me with the Beautiful Blogger Award. Thought you kids could use some new material:

1. I don't drink alcohol at all. Not one drop for many years. Suffice it to say, I had enough to last a lifetime and my life, as well as everyone else's around me, just goes better that way.
2. My father is the guy in the world I admire the most. Not because he was hugly successful in life, monetarily at least. It's because he's a guy who has always done the right thing by people and his family, regardless of the personal impact. If I'm lucky, I'll be half as good a man. We're best friends and I'm so grateful for that;
3. I rarely read books, newspapers, etc. but if I do read , it's online. For some reason, reading the printed page puts me to sleep but the computer does not. If I have a lot of work reading to do and I can't get the document online, I many times will do it standing up or pacing around my office. Drives my co-workers crazy;
4. For a guy who lives in THE most densely populated zip code in the country (10021, look it up) I hate crowds. WTF? Put me in the woods with a lake and no people and I am at peace.
5. I can drive a fork lift and can weld, seriously. Not bad for a white collar geek. In all honesty, I'd rather be working with my hands;
6. I never believed in the Easter Bunny...NEVER. How the hell is a little bunny supposed to carry all those baskets around the world in one night, especially since no one said he was magic? And what the hell do bunnies have to do with eggs anyway? Even at 4 I thought this was stupid. An Easter Chicken maybe, if it were magic and could fly super fast, but a bunny? Come on...;
7. I was engaged prior to Ex, about 11 years ago. V, my then fiance, broke it off 5 months before the wedding. Broke my heart and took YEARS to heal. I still consider her the one that got away.
8. Accents on women drive me CRAZY in a good way: British, French, Southern, Russian, whatever...just TALK!
9. My freshman year in college, after much philandering, I was CONVINCED I had a serious STD (yes, sexually transmitted disease). I went to the team physician and showed him my business. He was a very old, crusty country doctor who had been the team physician for all the Virginia Tech athletes for 25 years. He looked at me over the top of his glasses, squenched up his face and said "Boy...you always wear them tightie whities? Cause you got the worst case of jock itch I ever seen! You gotta let your boy breathe!" To this day, I'm strictly a boxer guy.
10. When I was four, my Dad took me to K-Mart for Big Boy Day. We'd spend Saturdays looking at the sporting goods and would maybe buy a toy. Afterward, we'd go to Burger King and get burgers. One of my fondest childhood memories. One particular Saturday, I ordered a Whopper Junior because Dad got the Whopper. I felt like such a man. Half way through chewing the first bite I tasted the most disgusting thing I ever had in my mouth. We opened the bun and in it was a half rotten slice of tomato. To this day, I can't eat raw tomatoes. Ketchup, marinara, salsa, yes, but never just a plain sliced tomato. Makes me gag.

Ok kids. Be on the lookout for my list of Sugar Dolls, coming up soon!

Do I Say Something?

That picture has nothing to do with today's topic. Guess guys just like monkeys. We identify, you know?

Last Friday night, Ex and I switched nights. Earlier in the week, she told me that she had a work trip to go on and wouldn't be able to take her usual Friday with Miss M. She asked for the following Thursday (tonight) in exchange for last Friday. No problema I thought: means I get so see Miss M 3 nights in a row (Wed, Thurs, Fri) on a week when I usually wouldn't have her for the weekend and only miss out on a Thursday when I get home from work late anyway.

I had a couple things to switch out though to make it work: I have a standing every other Friday night appointment with my personal therapist. LOVE this guy. He understood and changed the appt for me. Also, since it was Valentines weekend, Hot Girl and I were going to get together Friday night after my appt and spend the weekend together. She understood, as always, and we caught up Saturday around lunch time for the rest of the weekend. The plan was that I drop of Miss M at her mothers at 9 AM Saturday morning.

So, we arrive at Ex's place and...no Ex. I asked the doorman if he had seen her that morning (he starts his shift at 7 AM) and he said no. Strange. I'm just about to call Ex when she comes running in the front door. "Oh, sorry I'm late." Funny thing is, she's wearing jeans, obviously hadn't slept all night (I was with the woman for 6 years, you get to know these things), and she was carrying a sweatshirt that said "xxxxx Athletics" with the xxx standing for the college where Married Guy she's having the affair with went to (same guy she cheated with while we where married). I'm pissed, seriously, but didn't say anything.

She asked if we could come upstairs so that she could give me some paperwork for Miss M's school. We did. I was totally silent except with Miss M. When we got there, M ran into her room and Ex asked, "Is something wrong? You seem tense."

DUH!

I kept my composure, said nothing was wrong, hugged Miss M, and left.

Here's my issue: switches WILL happen, I get that. I was TOTALLY accommodating on juggling the schedule a few weeks ago when Ex's father died. Why wouldn't I be? Here though, she blatantly lied about a work trip so that she could see Married Guy. Set aside for a minute that he's the guy she cheated with...I juggled my schedule, my therapist's, and Hot Girl's FOR THAT?

Should I say something? I really feel I need to.

Here's the thing: we're getting along really well right now...not buddy buddy, but the private school application thing is going as smooth as I could possibly want. I really don't want to rock that boat. At the same time, she needs to respect my time and tell me the truth when it comes to reasons for switches. She KNOWS that I'll jump at any chance to see M more, but switches involve other people as well, who also deserve respect.

What do you think people? Do I say something and if so, how do I approach it?